20 Things I've Learned in 20 Years of Marriage!

On May 6th of this year, I wrote this…

Yes today’s my 20th year Anniversary. It is a big deal yet I’m not making a big deal out of it…today anyway.

I do plan on celebrating something each month of this 20th year for the next 12 months just like I am in celebrating the 8th year of my locs too. More on that soon but not in this letter.

So as I did in year 14 when I wrote 14 Things I learned in 14 Years of Marriage (click here to read that), I want to start off what will be a year long celebration of my 20th year marriage in similar fashion on sharing 20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage.

20 years right? Where the hell does the time go? I woke up today like it was any other day…

And that was all I wrote on that day of May 6th. It’s like I couldn’t write anything else without sharing my real feelings so I didn’t. At the time I originally started writing this, the 7 of us had been living in hotels and airbnbs. In fact we were in a very nice Modern Victorian style Airbnb in an affluent neighborhood in Downtown Dallas (stick a 📍here) when I started writing this. Tho it was nice, it wasn’t our home. I was still feeling the effects of eviction, homelessness and moving around.

That day, The Estranged came back from work late which was normal and handed me $400 in cash and said Happy Anniversary. I said the same and he walked out. While it may seem like we were on bad terms as you read this, we actually weren’t. It was just the way things were at that time. I think we were all still a bit shell shocked after actually living from place to place all in a month and nobody really knew what to do or say.

Now I’m able to write this list from a separated state wearing my whole heart on my sleeve instead of what probably would have been a forced state to try and make a list just to post. And that’s one thing about me…no matter how skilled, gifted or talented I am when it comes to writing, I can’t force it. Which is why I never finished the list…till now. This is why this is my LOEV Letter to you because it’s truly from my heart. So let me share those 20 Things I’ve Learned.

1. No one person can fulfill all your needs nor desires. Now this didn’t take the full 20 years to learn. I learned this back in year 14 actually, but since it’s within the 20 years, I’m sharing it now. You have needs and if you look to one person to fulfill them all, you will be greatly disappointed as that person is not here to fulfill all your needs anyway. Whatever needs you have, it is up to you to get them fulfilled from not only yourself and your spouse but also others who are not your spouse. I have a need to travel, (yes I said need), The Estranged doesn’t have that need, so I traveled alone or with others whenever he didn’t travel. Had I waited on him to have the same desire to travel as I did, I would have only visited the state lines of Louisiana and Texas. Yes I did say to travel with and without your spouse in my year 14 post I mentioned above. And while that is true, he just really didn’t make it a priority to travel or even plan to. If I didn’t plan it for our family, we wouldn’t go anywhere. And that’s fine but I learned this need of mine could not be fulfilled by him as I didn’t always want to plan the trips. But I have people in my circle now who not only plan our trips together but if I say I’m going somewhere alone or even with the family, they will plan my trips for me. I needed that in my life and I knew I couldn’t get that from him. And that’s just one of many examples I could tell you about.

2. Laughing together doesn’t mean you’re happy together. When I wrote the 14 things I’ve learned post 6 years ago, one of the 14 things was “If you can laugh at anything you can make it through anything. #medicine The Estranged and I laughed together a lot in our marriage. And I truly believe we laughed together more than most and yet here we are separated. Why? Ever heard of the saying, “Just because I’m laughing doesn’t mean I’m not depressed”? Well, when you don’t feel safe (even if you don’t recognize that’s what it is), you may laugh at things that are funny, but the body never lies because eventually all that laughter did not stop nor heal the anxiety, panic attacks and stress that had began to show up strong in my body. Laughing together is beautiful but it does not stop nor cure patterns that are literally destroying your life. So I learned not to depend on laughter because it did seem like we were happy when in reality now I realize, I was not. So…I got a therapist because it was weird to me to be laughing when I truly was not happy. I found out it was a coping mechanism I had developed when I was a child when trauma was hitting me all in my face in my household. Please understand experiencing constant financial instability is not only chaotic but traumatic as well.

3. Longevity does not equate to happiness. If I never wrote any of my LOEV Letters to you or shared anything about my separation and simply posted a pic of me and The Estranged on our 20th anniversary, you and many others would have applauded and celebrated our 20 years of staying married and keeping our family together…without knowing what me or my children were currently going through at the time of the anniversary. This is not to pick on you, it’s simply to say this is one of the curses of social media. We all do it, including me. We tend to celebrate longevity and highlights but not personal happiness. Meaning collectively, we honestly do like to celebrate and see people stay together “against all odds” rather than hear of and celebrate people who separate or divorce because of those same odds that have been attacking their lives and mental health and they finally decided to choose themselves over toxic longevity. I learned that just because it’s 20 years of marriage longevity, doesn’t mean it’s 20 years of happiness in longevity. #whewchile

4. Never totally submit to and depend on a Man. Lady, if it’s one thing I’ve learned, you must have your own and be prepared to do your own. I used to teach absolute submission by ways of these bible verses in Eph 5:22-24, “Wives, submit to your husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything”. The “in everything” the way it was taught to me and the way I taught it to many wives was that we as wives are to never stop submitting to our husbands even when our husbands are not submitting unto the Lord like we think they should, because we are to submit to our husbands in everything…no matter what. The bible actually never shows that wives are to ever stop submitting . So that’s what I taught…yes I got some things to clean up honey. So that meant that even when The Estranged would quit jobs or lose them and we were suffering financially, I was still to submit to him not wanting me to work outside the home (stick a📍here for my next series on this) and give him sex in spite of our financial struggles. Even when The Estranged didn’t pay the bills, I still submitted and found ways to get them paid even tho it was his job as provider to get them paid. Had I understood that submission is actually conditional and mutual (and I don’t care who says different), I wouldn’t have kept submitting when he proved early on that he wasn’t financially capable of being the sole financial provider as he said he was.

5. The marriage vows were made for man by man, not women. No matter what anyone says, these vows, which were first created by Thomas Cranmer Archbishop of Canterbury, can often keep women trapped in marriages that do not benefit them. It’s been proven statistically that marriage, even the ones considered mediocre, tend to benefit men way more than women as with women it depends on the quality of a marriage that benefits them or it’s a detriment to them. When you ask a woman why she stayed so long in a marriage that wasn’t a benefit to her, it’s often always to keep the family together or she stayed because God the church “men” hates divorce. Ask a man why he stays and he literally has no reason to leave no matter how mediocre the marriage may be. Why? Because he benefits. When you benefit from marriage do you file for divorce? Who are the primary filers of divorce? What are the top 3 reasons for most divorces which are all filed under irreconcilable differences? Money issues, infidelity and marital conflict which is commonly referred to as unfair household responsibilities between the man and woman. Now who you think complaining of these top 3? And who you think filing for divorce over these top 3? Why would a man file divorce for these 3 if he can do money however he wants, cheat whenever he wants and not do much household chores and still get to keep the woman he married? The primary filers of divorce are women who now file 75% (or more) of all divorces (in America especially). Those ‘for better or worse’, ‘in sickness and in health’ and ‘for richer or poorer’ are for the benefit of men as these words often do not benefit women. You can spin it anyway you like, but you know all I gotta do is go beyond the research and data out there that actually show this and simply poll the internet and I’ll easily prove what I’ve learned on this. Did The Estranged take care of me after every surgery I ever had? Yes. Did he cheat in the marriage? Nope. Did he financially secure me and his children? ………

And what’s the top 3 reasons for divorce? Forget that. What’s the number 1 reason for divorce? And you wonder why I’m happily separated even with all the financial losses I’ve endured the last 20 years? Chile…

6. A Help Meet/Mate is not to help her husband in every way, she is only to help him in what he’s ALREADY DOING. THIS OMG! If I truly understood this years ago, I would not have been putting out so many fires. “The phrase translated as “help meet” comes from two Hebrew words, ezer and kenegdo. Ezer means “help,” but in a distinct way. In English, a “helper” is sometimes thought of as someone in a low position, but ezer describes strength. It suggests that the individual has power to rescue others”. Yes as a woman I have the power to rescue others, but this power is not to continue to rescue a man void of his responsibilities in providing. That’s what I was doing. In the beginning, maybe it was truly help and meeting him where he was at, but after years of this and even decades, it went from helping him to rescuing him because he was still at that same place I started helping rescuing him at. If you have to keep rescuing someone from the same hole they keep walking in, this is no longer helping, this is rescuing and then expecting you to do so knowing you will rescue them time and time again. I did this mainly because it’s what I thought I was supposed to do (submission/help) but also there were children it would affect badly if I didn’t. I felt I had no choice…until I let it all blow up. So when I saw he wasn’t really doing anything effective to get better at finances and providing financially no matter how many financial courses I enrolled us in that only I ended up taking, counseling sessions we went to and videos and articles I sent him, I was no longer to help/rescue him because he wasn’t doing anything already that I could actually help him in. We are to help them meet goals etc, but they have to already be working on those goals that we are to come along and help them meet in. Not do the goals for them. That’s where I was missing the mark. I was doing my and his financial work in the marriage and I was foolishly continuing to allow him to be sole provider when he had shown otherwise. See #4 for reiteration of this.

7. Never down play your gifts or skills for your husband. This is a big one, especially for someone like me. No matter how confident I was and how much I was accomplishing during the marriage, I found myself downplaying those things because I wanted him to shine too. I literally just shared for one of the first times that I was a best selling author…publicly that is. I was waiting until he got the award he wanted so I can share us accomplishing things together. But that didn’t happen and it’s been over a year now since I’ve accomplished this. See…I put him in a position to be something he just wasn’t. That’s how powerful we as women are. We can play the background just as easily as we can play the foreground. 98% of those Truly Faithful posts were written by me. I did the research, put the posts together and responded to 97% of the questions and comments. I’m not saying it was right, I’m just saying it was me. Why? Because I didn’t want it to look like what it really was; that the wife really knew her shit because she studied and had mentors who did the same and her husband only relied on himself and the knowledge he had when he entered the marriage. Yes I ghost wrote posts for him but that was only after I had already written those posts. I had to come back and ask him based upon what I wrote and remembered as it pertained to our relationship. When he did write posts, I wouldn’t post most of them because I promise you they did not go with the flow of the page and they were also exceedingly short with no depth…almost like he rushed them. It was annoying to me to work so much on my posts only for his posts to be so mundane compared to mine. This was proved when he had access to the page and the posts he personally wrote and posted never received the traction or engagement like the ones I did. He would be frustrated with that so I offered to edit his posts instead and show him why his posts weren’t getting the attention he thought they should, or that mine were getting.

I never wanted to outshine him. But people were starting to notice, at least in some kinds of ways because some men preferred talking to me instead of him. He used to say it’s because they were just attracted to me and was intimidated by him, but after their questions stayed the course, it wasn’t that they were attracted to me in that way, it was that I could actually answer their questions biblically, scientifically, socially, culturally and even then some. I loved to study and have discourse. And this is why in debates I would stay till the end and he would leave early on. Yes I applauded him for this because it was like he said what he said and he’s out. That really does appear to be mature and even taking the high road. But I also believe coming and “letting us reason together” was also mature so I stuck with the debates until we had some type of respect and belief even if it sometimes it ended in unfruitfulness. But you could never say I didn’t know my shit because I never entered a dog fight that I didn’t have a dog ready for. I loved doing this because I wanted people to be uplifted, freed and encouraged. But I also did most of his posts because I thought me writing 98% of the posts in my name was equivalent to “praying with my head uncovered”. That men wasn’t supposed to receive instruction for their lives or counsel from me but from him. But the truth was, I was doing it to keep the peace in cultures that tend to frown upon women teaching men. So I wrote in his name. He didn’t really complain all that much when he was receiving the credit and fanfare from my writings. That’s why I was scared when he said he didn’t want to do it anymore. I was afraid of being exposed as being the mastermind behind Truly Faithful (which I was), being labeled a fraud (which yes, I guess I was that too) and not being a submitted wife (nope now that I can’t agree to but ok). Now I had to build my own platform (again) and have my own content separate of him. But because I had already did that with Truly Faithful, it really wasn’t hard to do it again. And that’s why I was able to build my up platforms and he was not. It just not his thing and that’s ok. But it was and is my thing. I know that even if you decide to get out the car with an unsubscribe, it’s easy to pick more up for the next ride because this is me and what I do. I love to “rescue” those who are on the side of the road and just need a lift (not rescue for life tho). It’s a gift, a calling and my purpose. (Stick a 📍 here as I want to speak more on this soon).

8. Never praise a man for the bare minimum publicly or privately. They get addicted to this shit. I’ve learned to not post or praise The Estranged for praying about paying a damn electric bill. Or taking care of the children you made while I work from home or go on workcations. Men take their own Sons on “Boys Day Out” trips and we post it and celebrate how cute it is. That’s fine. But then it goes onto “You’re a real man”, “Wish I had a man like you” and “Wish my Son/s father/s were in their lives like you are in your Sons lives”, and “You’re a wonderful father”. And nobody on the outside even knows what kind of a father he really is. A pic just lulls us into believing the very best of someone just like that? And then you talk down on women who expose those pics for the highlight reel they really are when they say things like, “This the first time he seen his children in 6 months”. Not saying I agree with either. My point is simply when we as women praise men for the bare minimum, they DO the bare minimum and don’t understand why the hell we complain when they not doing all they should be doing. That’s how those arguments go. “You just posted about how good of a man I am and now you on me about this”? Chile when I tell you this used to really piss me off. Me explaining why I’m complaining never made sense because I praised him on a post. But I was the foolish one in this because I praised him and even “rewarded” him sexually for doing the bare minimum, therefore he got comfortable in doing just that. Why do more when you got the woman already and can keep the woman for doing the bare minimum? Shit I was giving participation awards to my own husband. Girl if you don’t get…

9. Stop favoring Christian Counselors/Therapist over secular ones as they are often the absolute worse as they often favor the man and only hold you accountable. The very first time I went to counsel with him before we married, she held us both accountable even tho the therapy was for me and he was there just to support me. We were discussing my anger and how he could get under my skin so easily during arguments. While I was sharing my shortcomings, he was right there agreeing with me. But she caught it and begin to call out his self righteousness and he did not like it one bit. Next thing I know, he had words for her. She kept to the pace and made him accept his part in all of this. I didn’t realize I was being provoked in some of these arguments because I only focused on the results of my anger and me going all the way off not what he was doing. Once that therapy session was over, here I am feeling better and ready to move forward in anger management which I did. But who complained about that woman to no end? He did. I was slightly confused because I thought she helped me specifically, but both of us generally. He didn’t like her at all. Never had that problem again because we never went to a secular counselor together ever again. Only Christians and all loved him. Not saying they didn’t love me, but not one of them held him accountable for leaving and losing jobs like breathing. I was always told to uplift and support him during those times and keep that submission and sex going. I started waking up the more counseling I received down the road from those who were not Christians because they didn’t fall for Eph 5:22-24, 33b or 1 Corinthians 11:1-16 and held not only me but both of us accountable.

10. Friendships with the opposite sex is just as important as friendships of the same sex. At one time in the marriage, religion had both The Estranged and I teaching couples you cannot be married and have healthy relationships with the opposite sex because it “may” lead to sexually inappropriate things. But I have found that in order to have a solid and strong support system, both sexes are needed. For example, my Sons have learned a lot of good things from their father which is great, but the one thing they must learn from a man is financial stability and this is something they will have to learn from another man and that’s ok. Yes I can teach them some of this but it is important that as they grow into young men, they learn from successful men in this area. And I’m so glad I have several financially successful men both married and single in my support system. I recently reached out to one of those financially successful men, who has also given The Estranged money when he asked several times in the past including during this current fiasco, and asked him to include my sons in his teachings on finances as he teaches his own sons. If I had never gotten up off these bogus religious teachings of “no opposite sex friendships when you married” BS, I would have missed out on being fully supported during these current difficult times as these ‘Ships were cultivated at different times during the marriage and have been truly instrumental during this time of hardship (stick a 📍 here as I’m going to share more on this soon).

So we half way there love. And I’ll have the last 10 things for you of this LOEV Letter next Sunday. Let me also apologize as I was supposed to get at you this past Wednesday with a small addition to my Happily Separated Series that actually concluded last Sunday. But I am going to get you that update this coming Wednesday instead as there’s been a lot developed during my crazy busy past week. So hold tight boo. I got you.

Always Much Love,

~ OEV 💋 

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