20 Things I've Learned in 20 Years of Marriage!

As I shared in Part 1 of these 20 things I’ve learned, I’m able to write this list from a separated state wearing my whole heart on my sleeve instead of what probably would have been a forced state to try and make a list just to post on my actual anniversary of May 6th. So let me finish up sharing those 20 Things I’ve Learned and if you read to the end, I have a bonus for you.

11. Love/Marriage isn’t really supposed to look like sacrifice. Sometimes, love is choosing yourself first, setting boundaries and/or walking away. This is what the Happily Separated Series was all about. Tho I shared so much of why I separated, the ending results is that all this sacrifice talk in marriage has to stop. Besides, you can only sacrifice so much before you become a marriage martyr that we were never meant to be nor become. And where in the hell did it say we were ever to sacrifice for a man/marriage/union? If you look up the word sacrifice, one of the first things it says is, ‘to suffer loss of'…’ Who out here waits all this time to marry just to #1 suffer and then on top of that, suffer loss? This is where we have gotten it wrong. Sacrifice means to suffer loss of, give up, renounce, injure, or destroy especially for an ideal, belief, or end. I don’t want this. Do you? I thought that was apart of being a help meet. To sacrifice, but I nor you were ever called to this. A help meet is to help build what he’s already building. If we take on building what he hasn’t already begun building, then we are sacrificing (suffering loss, taking L’s) on what being a helpmeet really is. This is why so much mental exhaustion, anxiety and panic attacks ended up being my portion after so many years of this. These are my results of self sacrificing for a marriage that had become such an idol. Therefore I chose me and walked (drove) away.

12. Shared dreams don't guarantee shared effort. You can have the same vision, but if one partner isn't willing to work for it, the dream remains stagnant. We both shared dreams of building a ministry together and actually did that but I carried the main load. We both shared dreams of building businesses together, aside from the physical labor of things which he definitely would do, I carried everything else which was just way too much. We both shared dreams of building a nation with our marriage and children. In a sense, we did that but who carried the bulk of that? Ok let me break this down. In every dream we shared, the work may not have been equal and I was OK with that, but not everything or most of those things needed to be done by me. I made those choices to do those things I did when I saw what he could would do and what was left to be done. I would always do the rest and then try and get him to do more. Even when it came to writing posts for our Truly Faithful ministry, I still would have to tell him that his posts needed to be written and I would either edit them heavily then post, not post them at all and ghost write the post and then factor in his answers to my questions to give some of his version. The point was we shared this dream but we didn’t share the effort to manifest this dream. I hated having to remind him to go answer someone on a post as they asked for him or to write his posts to keep things even or fair. I would wonder, “Why doesn’t he do these things automatically? Without me telling him”? It felt burdensome and that is why I actually did understand when he didn’t want to do it anymore and he said I was controlling. I couldn’t lie on that, I was controlling. At the same time, I was doing most of the work in a dream that we both shared. I was working day and night to keep it going, getting people uplifted and encouraged and I didn’t mind doing my part and even more as for me, it was like breathing. Everyday I got enlightened and inspired on what to write on, record on and share next. But he didn’t. We were different and that was fine but it could never be fair if you only want to show up when the work was done, topics chosen, posts written, comments answered, notes completed for the livestream/video and now we recording or going live based on the work I did. What a thorn causing all that tension. But as I always say, when you remove the thorn then you can see where the tension is coming from. It only takes a few seconds to go over all of our social media accounts and see who has never stopped writing or even doing livestreams and videos on the topics of ‘Ships and Sex even with breaks in between from life happening, to who has. And this is really not a slight to him because it’s actually fine that he did stop in this as his heart was and had been elsewhere. The only issue here is it never should have been a shared dream. Off rip, he should have done his thing and I should have done mine.

13. Emotional labor often goes unnoticed. Listen, we can talk about physical labor all day which when it came to him, he did that, ok? No matter the job losses, one thing he always did so much of was work physically and he would work long hours too. And he would help at home as well. Anything that was physically laborious, that was his thing. So working all day and then cutting grass on the weekends or fixing things in the house and even cooking meals were not an issue for him especially when I was having our children. But it was the invisible work of managing a household and relationships that weighed heavily on me and it was not shared. What is emotional labor? The work of managing emotions and attending to the needs of others, often at the expense of one's own comfort. If I’m doing all or damn near most of the research on maintaining and bettering our marriage, our sex life, our finances, setting up the many counseling sessions we’d do as recent as October 2023, all of our children’s emotions on a daily because you work long hours and doing a ministry that I’m doing most of the work in but you’re getting the credit and so much more, how can I even manage my own emotions? This is why I said in my last LOEV Letter to you when I shared my email response to him where I was like (summarizing here), “Hey if it’s gon be an issue with sending the amount stated, I can just bring them to you” because I am dealing with the mental health of all of us and 6 of us on a daily basis. He doesn’t see nor talk to them everyday, I do. When our 9 year old asking a million questions and physically notices I am annoyed, he then gets annoyed and I either have to get us both together and then listen to his a millionth question then also answer it, or just let him walk off to save my own sanity at that time knowing I’m still gon’ have to deal with this later. There’s no way around dealing with it. Now imagine having to do this with 4 other people and then deal with their father a few times a week. THAT’s emotional labor and we as women who run our households married/separated/divorced or not, have to labor every single day. And now you know even more on why I was so triggered with him having a day off when there is no day off for me especially in the emotional labor department. This has been a 20 year thing. Which leads me to…

14. Self-care isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. Taking care of your emotional, physical, and mental well-being is essential, especially in marriage. Even tho the last few months I put this on the back burner, I will be making a conscious effort to put this right back where it belongs…a part of my life. Because even tho I am currently separated, it’s been proven that self-care helps you tolerate uncomfortable feelings while maintaining your self-respect and needs This was very important in the marriage and why I was actually able to enjoy yet tolerate a whole helluva lot during these 20 years.

15. Resentment builds in silence. I’ve learned that unspoken feelings and unmet needs can poison a marriage over time. By the time my Mom had passed, the resentment that had been building up had started manifesting. Even tho we had argued about money in the past, it was getting to a point where I was adding insults to the arguments. Now, instead of just asking why’s and when’s as it pertains to our finances, I was saying things like ‘broke’ and ‘lack’ as it pertained to him. He was never one to just let me say what I wanted so that meant there were words he would fire back as well. But one argument led me to say something he only said, “Wow”, to. I knew it was below the belt and I make no excuses as it was premeditated as like resentment builds up over time, so does those inner arguments I was already having with him before we actually did argue. After the usual text argument began that actually never started as an argument, I said, “And this is why I didn’t get to see my Mom when she asked me to come see her while she was still coherent. Because of you. And is the reason she didn’t want me to marry you“. I knew that hit. Normally there’s always a response with him and he’ll get the last word in before walking out or ending the convo but this time and this only time, he was like, “Wow”. While what I said was wrong, it wasn’t untrue, at least not on what I felt and what me and my Mom had talked about in the past. Know that I always defended my estranged husband when my Mom or anyone said anything about him constantly losing jobs. It was embarrassing but I still did it. And just know, my Mom was actually a big fan of The Estranged especially after we started having her only grandbabies, but because she had to bail us out several times in my marriage, she did feel it gave her a right to have a say. Neither of us liked that but what can you do when someone is paying your bills that you can’t pay? So yeah, the things she worried about concerning him before we married, were manifesting in my marriage. She never worried about the way he would treat me but she knew him before I did and she knew he struggled with finances and earning income and I just didn’t listen to her on that. I felt a hard worker can get the job done. Her biggest fear, I learned later on, was that I would create a marriage similar to the one she had with my Dad. Because when you remove the physical and verbal abuse from my parents marriage of almost 23 years, you get PAV & OEV. I did not even realize this until after I separated this year. My Dad lost every job known to man…jus as my estranged husband did. Yes I was resentful because I expected him to keep a damn job but I was also upset with myself for creating the life my Mother never wanted for me. But I will never take away from the beautiful fact that I have 5 beautiful souls that came out of this messy creation. So tho I would address our financial issues and did counseling with The Estranged on this, resentment silently built up when things weren’t really changing. So when I couldn’t be there when my Mom really needed me, that resentment manifested in full fashion shortly after her death. Why? Because if issues are never solved, resentment builds. This is something I’ve learned fu sho.

16. Financial compatibility is as important as emotional compatibility. As I’ve been sharing so much of already, money issues can erode trust and stability, no matter how much love is in the relationship. And it’s one of the main reasons I am where I am in life right now. Emotional Compatibility is defined as when two people are attuned to each other’s feelings and are on similar emotional wavelengths. Financial Compatibility is defined as when two people have a shared understanding of money, including their values, goals and attitude towards it. It's more than just agreeing on spending habits and budgeting, and it can have a significant impact on the quality and longevity of a relationship. And the things is, we talked about money before we married and I thought we were in agreement. Neither of us had perfect history, especially me. And I even messed up parts of his credit while dating as we moved somewhat too fast in obtaining things we shouldn’t have, but I had gotten all that straighten up before we married. We entered into marriage with an almost clean slate and we both had signed up for Crown Ministries via our church. But I was the only one to complete it which was actually a sign of things to come. So now I stress to single women and also my children that finances, financial literacy and stability is just that important before and after marriage. I hate that my children are having to learn this even more during this time, yet at the same time, when problems arise, the best time to learn from your parents is when they’re in the middle of the storm as they are riding in the storm too. Just know I learned connecting emotionally wasn’t enough, as connecting financially is equally important as I spelled out in my book 9 Things Women Should Ask A Man Before Giving Him Sex.

17. Boundaries are necessary, even in marriage. 📍 📍 📍 I put three pins here because this is something I will be addressing more and more coming up especially in my private group for women in marriage and those wanting to marry. Boundaries aren’t talked about enough as it pertains to marriage. It’s something most of us wives were not taught. We were taught to submit. We were taught to ‘render due benevolence’, we were taught to sacrifice, we were taught to make sure we run the home correctly but we were never taught boundaries. And if you want to know why most divorces are filed by women, this is the reason behind just about every reason women file for divorce. No boundaries. And just as I wrote in my book to single women mentioned above, boundaries are a necessary part of relationships, including the marriage ‘ship. But we seem to throw this out the window once we say, “I Do. Because when a man becomes our husband, especially in the faith, he is seen as Christ like to us (our head) so we are to take on his last name, submit to his authority as unto the Lord and make sure we respect/reverence him no matter what he may do. But the moment we start setting boundaries and even enforcing them, we are considered ‘unsubmissive’ and quite honestly no longer wife material even tho we’re already a wife. Don’t believe me? Queen Vashti ring a bell? She had a boundary she enforced and she was basically banished because she refused to come into the King’s presence when she was called and that was considered as dishonoring him. But did you know why she refused? She did not want to appear before her husband and his friends to show off her body and at his request. Can you believe a man/king had that kinda power that he could call his wife/queen to come before his guests who all had been drinking, to appear before them unclothed? (stick a 📍 here as I have written on this and will share more in my upcoming private group for women). There’s so much we as women have been conditioned to submit to and agree to all because we’re a wife. But I’ve learned that even in marriage, healthy boundaries are necessary and allow both partners to retain their sense of self and personal space. This is one thing that had been missing in my marriage until within the last so many years.

18. Marriage requires continuous growth as staying stagnant in personal development can lead to disconnection. This also played a big part in our disconnection over the years. I remember when The Estranged asked me in October 2023 to start going back live with him but on his personal Facebook page. I side eyed him and then asked why did he suddenly want to go live with me? He shared that since we had reconciled, we should share with others and encourage them. While this all sounded fine and good, I read between the lines and I saw words he didn’t say that I jus wasn’t with. One, he started taking all these pics of me and him and adding some extra to it right before he snapped it. I would always ask him why the extra? He would only smile. Two, tho he was excited about the reconciliation as was I, we weren’t really done reconciling and he was ready to start going live. We had only been to one counseling session at this point and had several more to go (that we never went to btw) and he was ready to jump up and go live together. Which leads me to three, no preparation just like before, which meant I would be the one preparing us for the live and I had been there, done that and was just done with that. So I declined and continued to concentrate more on the reconciliation (notice, this was a boundary I enforced).

19. Not all marital advice is for you. What worked for someone else’s marriage may not work for yours. Every relationship is unique so when I look back at all the submitting counsel I received and ‘supporting him during his job losses’ counsel instead of him being held accountable for financial abuse/instability, I realized much of that advice just wasn’t for us. I do wish I could go back and get the more appropriate advice for our situation tho. And as much as I love my mentors, not many of them held him accountable either. They basically held me accountable on my reactions toward him on the financial issues and rightfully told me to create my own way to have finances which I actually did. I had one friend who told me why she always had a secret side stash in her own marriage and that advice I began to take. That didn’t necessarily fix our finances but it sure as hell helped bail us out of financial catastrophes that kept coming up. So today I no longer just take advice/counsel if it doesn’t truly align with me. Back in June when I told my therapist I was planning to leave The Estranged, she said to me, “You don’t kick a man when he’s down. I don’t think you should separate from him right now”. I was silent for some seconds as I processed quickly what she said and I finally responded with questions, “And what about when I’m down because of things he’s been doing; decisions he’s been deciding? What if he’s down because of the decisions he’s been making that’s negatively affecting us all? Then what? I’m supposed to just stay and continue to hold him down while me and my children suffer”? While I’ll share more later on how this session finished, my point is, this marital advice was not for me. Maybe another woman continuing to stay when her man was at his lowest was best for her and their marriage, but it was not for me. Needless to say, I left within a week of receiving this advice from her because at the end of the day, the advice didn’t align with me nor did it align with the marriage because it still meant no accountability on his part and me saving him and the marriage on my part. No I was finally done with that.

20. Staying together for the children isn't always noble. One thing I’ve learned is that children sense unhappiness, and sometimes leaving is the best example of strength and self-respect you can set. I covered so much for The Estranged that my children didn’t initially understand why we were living apart from him. They didn’t even know how bad things really were because I made it seem like a Disney Channel TV show problem that would resolve itself by the end of the ‘ongoing’ sitcom. I thought covering him and shielding them were the right things to do. But please know the suffering inside of me had finally become overwhelming from doing all of this. A few friends told me it was time to tell them the truth. That was actually the hardest part in all of this…letting them know that their Daddy and I are actually not good right now. I can only imagine how their whole world changed in that moment. I hurt for them, but I knew going back to that marriage was not an option at that moment of me sharing the truth with them. Even when we were in a truck stop late one night while traveling to another place to stay, my sons were with me and out of the blue my youngest who’s 9 said, “Mommy, I hope you and Daddy not getting a divorce. I hope we’re going back to Texas and all of us stay together again“ and my oldest son who’s 14 added, “I echo those sentiments”. I said nothing as I knew not what to say. This is what I mean by this being the hardest part of all of this…sticking to what I decided even when/if my children say things like this from their hearts. And this is the part of adulting I hate. But I know that living all together again is not an option right now. Nothing’s changed on his end. We’re still being cordial which as I said before I’ve learned how to do since a child (trauma response) but we also just had a(nother) disagreement on money. What’s changed? Only our address and state of living but nothing else. And I’ve learned that THAT I can never go back to…not even for the sake of my children.

And these are the 20 things I’ve learned in the 20 years I’ve been married from a happily separated state. All from my heart and all things I’ve learned to take in no matter how painful it’s been. I appreciate you taking your time to read them all. Respond back and let me know which one resonates with you the most or even surprised you or that you just didn’t roll with. I love reading your responses and replying to you as well.

Now because you’ve read till the end, here’s the bonus of ‘one for the road’ for you.

21. You’ll spend more time unlearning than learning. If you noticed every thing that I’ve shared, it primarily comes form things I was conditioned to believe that I am now unlearning. At this point of my life, I have noticed that no matter how much I’ve learned, I’ve actually spent way more time unlearning things from my childhood to adulthood, to marriage, to parenting to separation. From religion to beliefs to so many different topics I thought I had already learned about in this life. And which one do you think is more important? Unlearning is because unlearning requires change and half of wisdom is learning what to unlearn. I know that can be a mind twister reading but it is true. I’ve looked back at what I learned as a child, what I learned in school, what I learned in church, on jobs etc about this world, marriage, the faith etc and now realize I have spent more time researching things I’ve learned to unlearn than I have just learning. There was a quote by someone that said, “The illiterate of the future are not those who can't read or write but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn”. I’m sure some of the things I’ve written to you or at least one thing I’ve written to you will require you to go back and unlearn to relearn on the topic. And that is actually where growth comes from. #RealTalk

If you’re not on my Facebook page, go here to connect with me as I go live once a week here until I’m back on other platforms as well, then I’ll connect those to these lives. Until then, join me over there so you’ll know when I go live there. This week, I’ll be sharing more on the upcoming group you’ll have a chance to get in early as the early bird always gets the worm. 😉 

Always Much Love,

~ OEV 💋