Being in Love with Your Husband Doesn't Mean Staying With Your Husband

🎶”…I’d rather lose you than lose my mind…” 🎶. ~ Karyn White

This past week, I saw my estranged husband for the first time since July 3rd. He was stopping by to drop something off for our two youngest children from his parents. He was supposed to meet one of our older children to give to them, but since I was coming back from the store, I told him I’d just get it from him myself. I pulled into my parking spot with a few groceries in the car, not knowing what emotions would surface after nearly four months of not seeing him. Yes, I was nervous. But I also felt empowered. Why empowered? Because this was a decision I made on my own terms, not because anyone suggested it, advised it or pushed it, but because I chose to, and that was enough. I had chosen not to see him all this time and just like that, I had chosen when I would see him again. That was empowering.

Did you know that one definition of empowered is "to make someone stronger and more confident, especially in controlling their life and claiming their rights"? Now, that's powerful…especially for women. To be confident and in control of your life, regardless of your marital status, is a rare, powerful thing it seems. And that’s one of the reasons I’m sharing these LOEV Letters with you. To show that just because we take his last name, have his children, or share a life with him, doesn’t mean we lose ourselves in doing so. Autonomy (self governing) isn’t just for unmarried women or those without children, it’s for all of us, even wives who are also Mothers. It’s not situational…it’s a choice, no matter our status or role.  Autonomy is ours to claim, not to yield.

The pressure on women to yield autonomy runs deep which is why there’s been way too many people trying to tell me to go back for the sake of “keeping the family together” or so that “children can have their/a father in the home”, yet not enough people put that same pressure on men to hold their families together by doing what they signed up to do. Which is why women are fighting for autonomy in the first place...we’ve been allowing too many to run our lives in the ground for the sake of marriage and family all under the guise and conditioning of submission and being a wife.

This mindset can be hard to shake, especially since even in the Bible, women are spoken of as property. Yes, I know some of us have been told it’s for our protection…I’ve been there too. But here’s the truth: if a woman is made in the image of The Most High, how can she not have autonomy? And why does this scare so many people when she does? Why does a woman’s autonomy make so many uncomfortable? Even herself?

True empowerment means making decisions for ourselves, especially when those decisions go against societal norms. Autonomy, (self-government) is for women, too. Gone are the days when a husband gets to make the final decision on everything, and the wife is jus expected to submit…potentially watching things fall apart around her because he chose his ego over her wisdom. This isn’t to say women don’t ever act out of ego, after all, Vice President Kamala Harris likely has some of that driving her run for President. But the point is, men’s decisions, good or bad, often impact us all collectively. And when it comes to our choices, that collective impact is rarely the other way around. All you need to do is look at reproductive rights in this country and ask, who are the primary decision-makers (and benefactors) in that?

This is a reminder that empowerment isn’t situational. It’s a choice…a declaration of autonomy that doesn’t disappear, no matter who we’re with or what society expects.

The issue isn’t who has the authority but who holds the power over our choices. This empowerment extends to deciding how and if we continue relationships that may not serve our well-being, despite still having love for the person.

Here’s my point; in your autonomy, you can actually love a man and be in love with a man, without needing to be with said man. Loving and being in love with someone doesn’t automatically mean we should be together, stay together, or reunite. It simply means you’re human and tho you’re in love, you know you can’t walk together with him because overall y’all don’t agree and that’s fine.

If you must know the obvious, yes, I still love this man from the depths of my soul. Just because I’m being candid about the issues in our marriage doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that I’m not in love with him. What this all means is that I can love him, be in love with him, and even desire him and still have no desire to be back with him, especially in our current state. How so? That word I keep telling you about… boundaries. My autonomy will not allow my boundaries to be crossed…anymore.

And these boundaries are the very thing that keep me grounded. In my book, 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex, I talk about different kinds of boundaries (time, emotional, physical, etc), that help us protect our hearts and minds from getting pulled back into the same cycles that don’t serve us. Many of us, especially women, need these boundaries to keep ourselves from being lured back into relationships that may no longer align with who we are now. Boundaries let us love and be in love without compromising our autonomy because as I said in the book, “…boundaries are what you set for yourself; rules are what others set for you”. Because contrary to popular belief, being in love doesn’t mean you just lose control and let a man take over. I don’t care how patient and kind love is, mankind is still human and human beings will still cross every boundary you allow.

Don’t believe me? Listen, I’ve counseled many wives in setting firm boundaries for themselves during separations only to fold when their husbands show minimal improvement. This happens when boundaries aren’t strong enough to withstand temporary change. If we’re not careful, we can be lured back in without seeing the meaningful growth necessary for a balanced relationship. I know of husbands who literally did everything on the wives’ list in order to get them back, only to go right back to what they were doing before the separation. They had not changed one iota. They simply set a goal to get their wives back and once they accomplished that, they relaxed and went back to the ways the wives separated for in the first place.

See, when we prioritize boundaries, we’re better equipped to love without sacrificing our autonomy. When we do not, we risk losing ourselves in relationships that drain us rather than uplift us, leaving us vulnerable to cycles that blur our identity and disconnect us from our own needs. Prioritizing boundaries, especially for the woman of faith who's in love, is a choice that empowers her to love deeply without losing sight of who she is. And that is how we stay true to ourselves, whether or not we stay with the men we love.

He did look surprised to see me as not only had it been months, it’s also the longest time we hadn’t seen one another in 20 years. He didn’t get my message in time so he had no idea I was the one meeting him. I did give him a hug and he responded that he didn’t think I’d give him a hug. I responded, “Why not? You still my Babies’ Daddy so...” He smiled. Then I asked him to help with the rest of the groceries I couldn’t get in one trip and invited him inside where we’ve been staying. Of course our children practically ran to hug him and he ended up staying for dinner as our oldest son was doing the cooking that night.

If you wanted to know if it felt like old times like when we were altogether in our home, yes and no. On one end yes, because all of us being together again, having a meal, laughing and talking felt very familiar and so missed. I can’t lie on that. But on the other end, no because it also felt like the new struggle that appeared after the loss of our home when we were staying in multiple hotels and airbnb’s not knowing where we would go next. And tho I liked the first feeling, I did not like that last one. But you know why it felt that way? My boundaries. My boundaries reminded me of where I am now vs where I was. In other words, because I've set boundaries with my emotions, physical and mental capacity, it showed me the last feeling was familiar but not one that I liked feeling. Like I know I can only take so much right now to keep anxiety away, panic attacks at bay, and keep my peace and freedom here to stay. So while feeling all warm inside about being altogether as a family again, I also remembered how we ended up here in the first place and that made me realize that that warm feeling, just like his visit, was only temporary.

For me, my boundaries are essential. And since I haven’t seen real, meaningful change that would add value to my life, I must hold these boundaries strong. I can’t let myself get drawn back in by the easy laughter when we’re all together, the children’s joy at seeing their dad, or even the familiar comfort of having a man present who can physically defend and protect me and our children (a presence I sorely miss having in house might I add). My boundaries protect the peace I’ve worked for, ensuring that my well-being isn’t compromised in moments of shared warmth or nostalgia.

So after everything was over, I bid him farewell and rested knowing I was at peace in spite of what I may not have temporarily. The love was there. The memories of our love were also there. But because of the boundaries I’ve set, I didn’t fold just because of the feelings of love and being in love. A day or two passed and he dropped off something else but this time I wasn’t home but our children were. He texted (yes I finally gave him my new number after he asked in what seemed to be a flirtatious kind of way), “I wish I could stay longer”. And I was silent. See, I am very good with words. I’m sure you know this. But I am also very good with silence. So when I received some texts that I felt were very uncomfortable in receiving, my response was silence. Silence as in, “please don’t make me address this”. They can be seen as harmless texts but I know better. These are the kind of texts people who are more than just cordial send. Texts seeking to invoke friendly chatter, to reminisce on old times or even to cause romantic feelings. I’m reaching a bit but I know who he is and I know how we used to text so…maybe not that far of a reach.

So in similar fashion in this situation, my silence speaks volumes when I only respond to texts about our mutual interest: the well being of our children and anything directly or indirectly associated with them. You have to remember, this is a man that I love and have allowed to cross boundaries for years. And yes I must be in contact with him, but I have to know how to be in contact with him as not to fold or to lead him on thinking things are what they are not.

This is challenging but with boundaries, it does not have to be arduous…even when you do love him like crazy. And no one can tell me that isn’t powerfully empowering to be able to do with your autonomy instead of just giving in because you love him or because of his current title in your life of “husband”. No amount of love for him or between us can fix what this marriage broke in me. I know I Am the Writer and creator of “When Love Stands” and I do still stand on that from where I was then. But now, I stand on being happily separated where my peace is highly valued above love standing in order to keep a marriage together or a smile on a man’s face. I’m simply answering what I was called to before I was ever a man’s wife…PEACE.

• Colossians 3:15

  "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace". 

• John 14:27

  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid".

Always Much Love (and peace)

~ OEV 💋 

PS: Don’t forget to get 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex today. Need a one on one session with me? Go here