For the Sake of a Man and a Marriage:

Hey Lady!!

Thank you for continuing this ride with me. It means so much to me. So much that I’m noticing in this journey of life, particularly in the context of relationships, there are pivotal moments that force us to reevaluate our paths.

Recently, I came across an enlightening article by a lady named Lisa Merlo-Booth that resonates deeply with my experience of separating after 20 years of marriage. She discusses the “silent exodus” of women who leave their marriages seeking independence, passion, and fulfillment…a narrative that echoes my own.

Merlo-Booth highlights how many women often feel unheard and invisible in their relationships. They voice their feelings and needs, but when these expressions go unacknowledged, a sense of despair tends to set in. This is a familiar feeling for many women who have navigated long-term marriages. I, too, found myself repeatedly communicating my financial desires and frustrations, only to feel as if I were talking to a wall. It’s exhausting to invest so much energy into a relationship that doesn’t reciprocate, leaving us to wonder if our voices even matter. Oh, but they do.

This personal “exodus” began long before any physical departure. The emotional and spiritual cost of staying, slowly losing parts of myself to uphold the marriage, started well before our actual separation.

I realized that staying wasn’t about permanence or keeping the family together (which I really thought it was); it was about the painful, often invisible journey of giving up pieces of myself to remain, even when staying began to subtly feel like a quiet form of leaving.

The word “Exodus” suggests a powerful, often necessary departure from something binding or oppressive; a departure that comes at great personal cost. Many women of faith resonate with this, having felt the weight of choosing faith, family, or commitment over their own well-being.

In several ways, without fully realizing it at the time, I was one of those wives who believed that personal happiness should be sacrificed to build up a marriage and family, especially in times of hardship. I embraced the idea that enduring struggles was a necessary part of marriage, something that was actually to my detriment and something I wrote so much about.

This is why I AWOL’d my life and decided to share more about love, leisure, and pleasure rather than just what wives are “supposed” to do in marriages of faith. Too many act as though The Most High is against these things, equating them with hedonism, forgetting who created humans, marriage, love, sex, and yes, leisure and pleasure as well. Why create women with a clitoris if not for sexual pleasure? We don’t have libidos and sex drives just to restrain them. We don’t enter marriages to build something up, only to have it torn down by financial abuse. Who told us that marriage is to be endured solely for the sake of permanence and keeping the family together? While permanence and unity are ideal as long as they come with health and happiness, they cannot be achieved by one person alone. They cannot be achieved when one person feels unheard.

As I transitioned into this new chapter of my life, I realized that my journey mirrors the experiences of countless women, they’re just not talking about it as much. Why? Because we are often made to feel guilty for wanting more…more connection, more joy, more passion. In her write-up, Merlo-Booth emphasizes the importance of women claiming their needs. In my case, I had to confront the reality that I wasn’t just looking for something external; I was seeking a deeper understanding of myself and what truly fulfilled me.

One takeaway from the article is the need for open communication in relationships. Merlo-Booth encourages women to speak up and urges men to listen actively. While I engaged in this dialogue for years as it pertained to our finances, the lack of genuine response to the dialogue was disheartening. I’ve come to understand that if we want to cultivate healthy relationships, whether romantic, platonic, or familial, we must prioritize honest communication and the willingness to truly hear one another.

But the most profound takeaway from the article was when she said this;

“In the cases where the women have been speaking up, many of the husbands have chosen not to listen.  The women have repeatedly told the men they don’t like the way they are being treated and have frequently asked their husbands to change.  The men have either outright denied poor treatment, justified it, minimized it or just blew off their wives’ complaints.  The men didn’t think their wives would do anything (since they hadn’t before), so they continued doing what they’d always done.  Imagine their surprise, however, when “all of a sudden” their wives chose to leave the marriage”. Chile I could have thrown my shoe and my phone after reading this part.

Even now, when things are cordial between The Estranged and I, it amazes me that he actually told me to “pick up his financial slack” and get a job, all while offering no change in custody. So basically, I’d be the full-time parent and work while he continues to slack on the payments we agreed to, without offering more custodial support... Make this make sense for me, please. What I’ve done for 20 years, (putting out financial fires he caused whenever he left or got fired from jobs) is what he expects me to keep doing, even in separation. Even after we’ve lost everything…

My response was cordial, based solely upon what the state requires, and I left it at that. But if I had responded with emotion, saying what I truly felt, the word “audacity” would have surely been used. Sometimes I truly believe I’m in the twilight zone, with a side of Punk’d, waiting for the Twilight theme music to play and for Ashton Kutcher to come out and tell me I’m being punked.

But then I realize, this is what I’ve created. I’m the one who allowed this disrespect in the name of permanence, keeping the family together, submission, and holding him down “for better or for worse”. I did it so much that the expectation now is that I’ll keep doing it, even in separation. I guess when you get used to someone who’s good at putting out fires and covering for you, you just go with the flow, expecting her to go above and beyond to take up your financial slack as well.

One of my weaknesses in all of this, I admit, is not wanting our children to fully know who their parents really are right now, because no matter what I may say about their father and how true it may be, there’s a mirror right in front of me. A mirror reflecting the woman who allowed all of this, who allowed religion to shape the kind of woman I became for the sake of a man and a marriage.

No matter that I thought what I was doing was right, righteous, healthy, loving, and honoring—the end results are often what people see. So if the marriage doesn’t work out, that’s all they see. They don’t see why it didn’t work; they just see that it didn’t. And the blame is often primarily on who decided to end the marriage especially if the one who decided to end it is the woman. For better or for worse, right?

If you’re in a similar situation, I want to remind you that you are not alone. Each of us deserves to feel seen and heard, to pursue our passions, and to create meaningful connections. We can use our voice not only to advocate for self but also to support one another in our journeys. We are in this together, and our collective strength will empower us to break free from any constraints that hold us back.

As I continue sharing my story and the lessons I’ve learned, I invite you to reflect on your own journey and what you have learned along the way as well. Then together, let’s build a community where we, as women of faith, can openly express our needs, embrace our desires, and celebrate our independence.

Be AWOL is my private community, a safe, supportive space for women to come together, hold each other accountable, and find solutions to real-life challenges in marriage, romantic relationships, and beyond. With a small monthly investment, you’ll gain access to monthly Zoom calls, honest discussions, and a network of like-minded women who are committed to love, leisure, and pleasure without compromising their faith.

I’ll be reopening enrollment soon so we can finish the year strong, lifting each other up as we redefine what it means to be empowered, faithful, and free. Remember, freedom isn’t just a personal journey; it’s a transformative act that inspires others to find their own path. So stay tuned for more on those details!

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia (OEV) 💋

PS I’ve been asked a few times about donations or buying me a cup of coffee and I appreciate that. So I tried to sign up for cup of coffee but the word ‘Sexology’ caused them headaches 😆so they took my page down right after signing up. So instead, I’ve set up a page for you here so that whenever you feel blessed or inspired by something I’ve written, you can give as you so desire by clicking the banner pic below. Don’t forget to reply back to me if this letter resonates with you at all. Talk soon.