From Marriage to Separation: How I Remained A Woman of Leisure Even When Life Fell Apart

She’s AWOL: A Life You Don’t Have to Vacation From

When I first started writing about leisure, I was giving women tips on how to add more leisure into their lives, how to make space for self-care and how to indulge in pleasure as a woman of faith. But recently, I realized something…

I don’t want to just give you tips on adding leisure to a life you still need a break from.

That’s not enough.

I want you to create a life you don’t have to vacation from; a life that feels so aligned, fulfilling, and pleasurable that leisure isn’t just something you sprinkle in every now and again, but a foundation that holds you up.

Because leisure isn’t just something I do. It’s who I am.

And that’s why, no matter what life threw at me last year…separation, financial shifts, transitions, I was still doing what I love, still living in alignment, still embracing leisure as my birthright.

Let me explain.

A Woman of Leisure, No Matter What

Before I was ever separated, before the financial catastrophes, before all the shifts, I was already telling women to create a life you don’t have to vacation from. And I meant that.

Even now, I wake up every day doing what I love.

Just last week, I had one of the most intense weeks I’ve had in a while yet I loved it.

I wrote for both my free and premium subscribers, worked on my book ( 📍 tell you about that soon enough), met with men who moved my things from one city to another, drove an hour to get my hair done because I’m now further away from my loctician, and had deeply transformative sessions with my clients, helping them reclaim their sexuality and relationships. And somehow, in the midst of all that, I still made time to connect with new people who are becoming valuable assets in my life.

And when an associate (soon to be upgraded to a friend) called me at nearly midnight on Friday, next thing I know, I’m grabbing a bottle of wine and heading to their place. Could we have just talked over the phone? Sure. But sometimes presence and hugs hit different.

By 3 a.m., I was back home in bed, no stress, no dread about getting up the next day, all because I love my life.

I love what I do.
I love how I move.
I love that I’ve created this life by design.

That’s leisure.

Not something you “get” when you take a break, but something you are…woven into how you live, breathe, and show up in the world.

You Don’t Have to Do It All

Let me give another example.

One night a few weeks back, my youngest son was smelling something from his finger that he had cut a few days prior. So he decided to ask Google about it on his iPad. Yes, these children today ask Google/Alexa/Siri about everything.

He then says to his youngest Big Sister, “Google says I might have a bacterial infection because of the smell.”

I lifted my head from working on my laptop and asked, “Google says who may have a bacterial infection?”

He raised up his cut finger and said, “Me. My finger.”

So I had him come over and show me, but because I have issues with my nose connecting with bad smells 🤢, I asked his oldest Big Sister to do the smelling…something her dad would always do when we all lived together. She did and then said, “It smells like mine did when they had to squeeze all that pus out that time.” Which means, he was right; it was infected.

After becoming slightly queasy as I remembered that episode as I had to call her dad to take over for me in the ER that night, I texted my estranged husband and told him our son needed to go to Quick Care about his finger. After answering a few of his questions, he came and took him.

It was a Monday night, which meant I didn’t see them again until after 1 a.m. the next day because everyone knows ERs and Quick Cares can be packed on Monday nights.

So why didn’t I take him? I was right there and he was with me.

The short answer is: Because I didn't have to. I don’t have to do everything myself, so I don't. He has a father who is both willing and capable. And in my life of leisure, I get to choose how I show up.

I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, but I do get to do everything I want to.

Does that make sense?

Being A Woman of Leisure is about living a life where you don’t "have to" but instead "get to." It’s not about wearing a badge of honor for how hard you work as a wife, mother, or a woman. No, it’s about embracing a life that allows you to choose ease, flow, and leisure as your standard.

Stop Needing a Break and Start Living a Life You Love.

Too many people simply want to escape the stress and mundaneness of their everyday life, so they think more rest or a fancy vacation will fix it.

I’d like to propose another solution.

Stop needing a break and start living a life you love.

When I say create a life you don’t have to vacation from, I’m not saying you have to live like me.

I’m saying: Do what YOU love, so you don’t feel like you need an escape.

💆🏾‍♀️ If you love cooking, make it something that excites you, not something you have to do out of obligation.
💼 If you love your job, build a life where your career doesn’t drain you but energizes you.
✈️ If you love travel, let it be because it expands you, not because it’s the only time you feel free.

Because rest, for most people, is just an escape from a life they feel trapped in.

But real leisure…the kind that transforms you, is about making sure you don’t need an escape.

Because here’s the truth:
Most people don’t need more rest.
They need more purpose.

Most people don’t need a vacation.
They need a new life.

They lack balance; not the middle-of-the-road, lukewarm kind, but true contrast.

🔥 Meaningful work.
😌 Meaningful rest.
🌊 Deep intensity.
✨ Pure leisure.

Instead of floating in a blur of boredom and anxiety, what if you flipped the switch?

What if, instead of needing a break, you designed a life that didn’t drain you?
What if, instead of craving an escape, you built a reality that excited you every single day?

I’m here to tell you:

You can. I did. See…

You don’t have to settle for small moments of pleasure in a life that feels unfulfilling.
You don’t have to keep working just to take “breaks” from the life you’ve built.
You don’t have to wait for retirement to live in ease, flow, and pleasure.

You can create a life you don’t have to vacation from, now.

But I Can Still Give You Tips

Now, I can absolutely still give you tips on leisure. But let me be real with you…these tips will normally do one of two things:

1️⃣ Either they’ll help you create the life of leisure you deserve by making actual shifts in how you move…Or
2️⃣ They’ll be surface-level quick fixes that won’t last because you’ll go right back to a life that drains you.

This is why, when you see things like:
➡️ “3 Tips to Have a Better Sex Life”
➡️ “5 Ways to Bring More Leisure Into Your Day”
➡️ “10 Steps to a Happier Marriage”

You have to ask yourself: Will this actually transform my life, or just give me a momentary boost?

…because I can give you tips and strategies all day, but if you don’t experience a paradigm shift when it comes to leisure, it’ll just be surface level for you. Transformation is the key here. You want to be a Woman of Leisure? Then it’s going to require transformation.

How? It’s not just about adding tips and strategies. If you notice, these tips are based on the life I live with a leisure mindset. You may have a completely different life with a completely different mindset because we all have our own experiences. We live in different places. We’re married to different types of men. We may not be married at all. We may or may not have children. So when I give you tips, they’re general at best because your life isn’t necessarily identical to mine.

That’s why I say create a life you don’t have to vacation from. That means designing a life that is best for you, one that you love and don’t constantly need an escape from.

You might read some of my tips or things I do as a Woman of Leisure and think, “OMG! I could never see myself getting out of bed that late at night unless it was a life or death situation.” And guess what? You don’t have to. You create the life you want because those are things I don’t mind doing.

I know people who love their careers and are truly amazing professionals. And I applaud them because I don’t believe everyone should be an entrepreneur. These people go on vacation not to escape their jobs but because they enjoy life and their work. They return refreshed, not dreading Monday morning. Meanwhile, there are others who come back from vacation already counting down the days until their next break because they hate or barely tolerate their jobs.

The difference? One is living a life they love. The other is enduring a life they constantly need to escape.

So if leisure isn’t a core part of how you live…if your lifestyle isn’t aligned with ease, freedom, and pleasure then no amount of tips will change that.

But if you’re ready to make leisure a lifestyle, not just an escape, here are some things that I do because I am a Woman of Leisure.

For My Wives…

🌍 Travel with AND without your mate. Traveling together strengthens intimacy, builds memories, and keeps the spark alive. But solo or girls’ trips? That’s where you reconnect with yourself. A Woman of Leisure doesn’t wait for or on her man to experience life; she explores, indulges, and enjoys on her own terms. Whether it’s a romantic getaway or a solo retreat, both experiences feed different parts of you. Make sure your life includes them all.

❤️‍🔥 Have more than one honeymoon phase. Keep things spicy. My estranged husband and I had four honeymoon phases in our marriage with the last one being in 2023 while reconciling. And let me tell you…sex was everywhere. In spite of where we stand today, it really did feel like we were Newlyweds all over again…at least for a time.

🛁 Retreats, spa days, and solo escapes. I’ve enjoyed all three of these and have been both a participant and a speaker at retreats. But no matter which it is, I learn something new every time I go. Take retreats for example…one of the last retreats I went on was literally days after my Mom’s funeral and there just happened to be a woman there who helps ladies of faith with grief. When I tell you this connection was divine…honey hush. We had been out doing different things that day and I was holding everything in as to not rain on anyone’s parade. But as soon as we got back to where we were staying and our rooms were assigned, I literally barged in her room, fell into her arms as she sat on the bed and cried my eyes completely out. She said “I saw you holding this in all day. Let it out”. And did. Who knew I was going to have such an unplanned and unscheduled connection like this at a retreat? So always take time to recharge. You never know what The Most High has waiting for you. 🫂 

🔥 Go out and live. One of my favorite things as a wife and mother was going out with my friends, getting lit, then bringing that energy back home to my man. It gave me an entirely different sexual aggression that kept things hot.

💫 Let men flirt with you, even if you’re married. You can smile, be flattered, and still let them know you’re taken. Trust me, it will put a glow on your face knowing that after years of being a wife and mother, you’re still desired by more than just your husband. 😉 

For My Single Ladies…

💆🏾‍♀️ Self-care is a priority, not an afterthought. Stop treating self-care like a reward after burnout. Schedule your massages, spa days, and beauty treatments because you deserve them, not because you’ve “earned” them. It took me a minute but I’m just now getting back to this being a regular thing. And I plan to never allow any delays in this again.

💃🏾 Rotational dating & letting men show up for you. You are not doing the most for men who aren’t doing the most for you. Let men desire you, pursue you, and show up for you. Create a support system that includes men who hold space for you especially when you’re going thru.

✈️ Travel beyond just church and work. Even if it’s a solo trip to a new city, go somewhere different. Let yourself be seen in new environments.

✨ Flirt & be open to admiration. Flirt with someone or a few. Let a man know you see him. Reach out to a man you’re interested in and simply say something to make his day better. “Hey, I just wanted to tell you that you have beautiful energy.” Watch how that lights up a man.

For Both… 

👔 Compliment a man. I was at a restaurant recently and noticed a man who worked there have such a serious look on his face; like he’d been in deep thought his entire shift. I looked at him and said, “You have really pretty eyes.” Instantly his scowl disappeared and a smiled appeared.

After seeing him smile a little I added, “Oh wow, you also have a beautiful smile.” And all those pearly whites came out after that.

He paused and said, “I’ve never had a woman tell me that before.” And then, after a moment of realization, he said, “In fact, nobody’s ever told me that.”

Girl…after chatting with him some more, I found out this man was 45 years old and no one had ever told him that till me. I felt a little sadness coming from him, and as an empath, I picked up on it immediately.

I smiled and said, “Sir, that smile is too pretty for YOU to not tell YOURSELF that every day.”

And let me tell you… that man smiled for the rest of my time at that restaurant. Yes, he asked for my number (as he should have, lol), but you get my point.

Little things like this change people’s energy. And guess what? This doesn’t just apply to men.

🌸 Compliment a woman on her hair or her outfit. I don’t care how she was behaving before you complimented her, nine times out of ten, it will brighten her day and possibly shift her entire mood. 

True story, a woman was just about going off in line at Walmart one night for the long lines but for some reason I wasn’t bothered with the wait. I simply complimented her braids and honey she perked up and started telling me who do her hair, how long it took to get them done and how long she been getting braids.

By the time we looked up, she was next in line and talked to me the entire time she was being checked out. Her entire mood had changed because with just one compliment, it changed her focus from what irritated her to what lit her up.

When you’re A Woman Of Leisure living the life you desire, it doesn’t matter if you’re the most active extrovert, an introvert who tends to shy away from public people interaction or what your birth sign is, you have the energy to light up the world simply because you already light up your own world. 😉

Leisure is About Energy; Leisure is About Choice.

I hope you see that everything I write in my LOEV Letters and share with you always comes back to YOU.

✅ When you love you…
✅ When you take care of you…
✅ When you enjoy you…

It also benefits EVERYONE you come in contact with; whether you know them personally or not.

Because when you’re A Woman Of Leisure, you embrace your freedom to light up your own life in your own way so you’ll light up others’ lives as well.

At the end of the day, leisure isn’t about small moments…it’s about how you design your life.

I don’t cook because I don’t want to.
I don’t do everything myself because I don’t have to.
I don’t operate from obligation…I operate from choice.

So, when I say create a life you don’t have to vacation from, I’m not saying do what I do.

I’m saying: Do what YOU love, so you don’t feel like you need an escape.

Join Me Inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered

This is what we talk about inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered; where I give you the real, raw, behind-the-scenes conversations on what it takes to fully embody leisure as a way of life.

💋 The free She’s AWOL LOEV Letter gives you insights & updates.
🔥 She’s AWOL: Unfiltered (only $4.99/mo) goes deeper, more personal, more intimate, more real.

And I’m dropping an exclusive video soon where I share more about this in-depth, including my journey to buying my home while still embracing leisure.

✨ Join here → She’s AWOL: Unfiltered

You don’t have to keep adding temporary leisure moments into a life that drains you.
You don’t have to keep seeking breaks from the life you’ve built.
You don’t have to escape; you can create a life you actually love.

A life of freedom, choice, and ease.

A life of leisure = A Woman Of Leisure

Your Turn

Take a moment to think about this:

What is one way you can move more towards being A Woman Of Leisure this week?

Let me know. I’d love to hear what you come up with.

And if you’re ready to fully embody what it means to be A Woman of Leisure and create a life you don’t need a break from, join She’s AWOL: Unfiltered for just $4.99 before the price goes up. Inside, you’ll get behind-the-scenes access to my life of love, leisure and pleasure, deeper insights on what it truly means to live freely, and the unfiltered truths that don’t make it to the free She’s AWOL newsletter. This is your space to shift from just adding leisure to becoming a woman who lives it daily, effortlessly and unapologetically. Don't wait. Lock in your membership now.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure