Happily Separated 5.0

Hey Love!

So tho my Happily Separated Series concluded Sunday September 1st (go back and read that here), today’s LOEV Letter to you is the update on those developments I shared in my stories and Facebook Live that I said I would share. I entitled it with the 5.0 at the end not only because this would be part 5 of the series but also because that’s the version my estranged husband said he would show up differently and better in a short matter of time. I scoffed when I first read that from him because tho I’ve never heard him say that before, everything he said before that has been on repeat for pretty much 20 years.

Currently he is still self flagellating living on the streets. He’s taken it upon himself to call a particular place home out there. Something happened on September 1st too…he saw our children for the first time since July 3rd. We didn’t arrive in Florida until July 7th, so what was happening between July 3rd and the 6th? (Stick a 📍 here).

Anyway on that day and the day before, we had been arguing via email about what else? Money. My parts of the argument are way more tame today compared to what they were before the separation. During these current times of communication I hold back a lot (which I hate) to get to the bottom line of the agreement quicker (now, that I love). But these particular arguments began after he said he takes off a day each week to unwind to regenerate after I asked why his last two checks had been much shorter. 

I remember when writing him to inquire about these shortages that it felt very familiar and I didn’t like that. I felt like the same woman who had been arguing with her husband about money (and the lack thereof) for 20 years. At that moment, it didn’t feel like the Happily Separated woman I had proclaimed. After several cordial and straight to the point emails I had written to him, this email felt so similar, so low vibrational, so tiring. I was back at that same place I left; wondering why the money was low once again and hearing what I felt were excuses.

When he responded, only one thing stood out to me…that he got a day off. When I say I was the president of the triggered society after reading that… I saw red. Like, “Oh we get a day off now? So we get to unwind now? So we can regenerate for the upcoming week, now? Oh my…I missed the memo and the meeting that we get to have this at “such a time as this”.

Honey I was hotter than 40 hells.

And that is when things got heated. And tho I’ve been holding back a lot during any discourse I have with him, this time I let go a lil and said more than I probably should have. Let me jus tell you, I do not like all of this. Tho I feel very much loved and supported right now, especially from my support system, there’s nothing that can totally stop all the feelings I keep dealing with, confronting and going through during all of this. I still get a lil shell shocked from time to time when it hits me that “This is my current life? How tf did I even get here”? Of course asking those questions do not really help because no answer will soothe me no way, no how. So sharing this with you as I go thru is one of the best ways for me as it’s also very therapeutic as I’ve never been one to hold these things in anyway because all it does is build up and explode in some way shape or form.

Breathe 

So I had to go “back in time” for some help after I sent this one. So ‘Relax, Relate and Release’ is the right advice for me right now. Just in case you don’t know, ‘Relax, Relate and Release’ is from the show A Different World where Whitley’s therapist told her this and it was meant for her to regain mental clarity and realign herself, which is definitely something I’m currently doing. The mantra can be interpreted as:

• Relax: Relax your mind and body, and relax expectations or timelines that don't align with the current situation.

• Relate: Relate to the facts in the present, and (maybe) consider how others are feeling ( 👀 )

• Release: Release fear and anxiety, and release anything you can't control

All the way from the 1990’s and this has been spot on for me as I’m slowly working my way back into the self care I used to do before my life blew up as I put self care on the back burner to make sure my children have what they need. And no matter what you see in these emails with The Estranged, I cannot control a grown man. No matter what I say, he will do what he wants in the end as that’s how it’s always been. No matter the encouragement, submission, uplifting, rewarding, praising or critiquing, he still managed to either walk off jobs knowing we had mouths to feed and/or get fired for unethical reasons. My next series will reveal more on why he really did those things.

So even tho I can’t make him (or anyone for that matter) change or do anything, I will still hold him accountable when it comes to our children. At this point, I don’t give a damn about he and I as The Most High is tearing this idol of a marriage down and I’m letting The Most High do just that. But what I found interesting is how all of my emails to him have been clear as to this not being about us, only our children, but now suddenly he’s saying the same now because I put my foot on his neck financially?! Pish Posh.

So for him to even say he’s only about our children now, was a slow response to me as it’s what I’ve been saying for months. In fact, I started saying that when I was first planning to leave towards the end of June after he turned that job down. But for some reason, I guess he finally realizes that I’m only communicating with him about the lives we birthed not the vows we took. Because if I unleash all I really want to say to him, we would need plenty of people in the room with us for mediation, arbitration, intervention and interposition. And eventually we will have that day, but today ain’t that day because as long as my children do not have a permanent place to live, I’m in no position to unleash this beast as yes he woke up the b*tch in me but I’m not tryna wake up the n*gga in him right now. Please know, if a man can walk off his job so easily or get fired knowing he got 5 mouths to feed, there’s nothing to stop him from holding back either. And that just sounds like a hot mess. So instead, I bide my time and “Relax, Relate, Release” for the benefit of me and my mental health and the benefit of my children. And even for the benefit of him because he is still my children’s father.

So yes, I got the agreement that was necessary (wonder why he didn’t take over full time care for the children and i pay him instead tho? Uhmmmhmmm) and two weeks later he’s been sticking to that agreement and working every day instead of taking a day off. I don’t get a day off but I do find time to to get some time away on some days and then it’s back to reality of living that single mom life (I still haven’t processed this one yet). While it’s great to go out and have some fun, coming back to this new life we’re living definitely has me taking more deep breathes before I enter the place the 6 of us are staying. I want to keep the vibration as high as possible because children tend to deal with things differently than we adults do. So I got 5 personalities and their mental health to deal with along with mine. And that’s something he doesn’t have to deal with on a daily basis or each of their 1000 questions about life now. But…you know how it goes.

So our children were glad to see him and he was glad to see them as he shared below. I was glad to hear him finally be as honest as I also had to be with our children about what really happened as to why we are living like we are now. He told them I was upset with him and didn’t want to see him right now because of what he did. He damn right tho it’s way more than that. But I am glad they all got to just chill for a bit. And during that time, my best friend came over and we watched The Deliverance while they were together across the street from where we’re staying. 🙂 

Since that reunion, my children have seen their father a few times and that’s another discussion that we’ll have in my next series as he was getting a little too comfortable with coming to the area we’re staying without my knowledge. No, there’s no supervised visits required here but there’s a protocol that must be in place for me to be OK with him being anywhere close to me without my knowledge as it shoots my anxiety through the roof. I’ll be meeting with my therapist on this soon and will update you. Until then…

As I said in my latest live, 20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage, I do have a group coming up for ladies who want to talk more on these kinds of things on a regular basis. I will share details on that in the next upcoming LOEV Letter to you. And remember to please watch these lives as soon as you can as they’re only posted for 30 days and it’s already counting down before Facebook deletes them. Once again, thank you for your love and support. Now that the Happily Separated Series is officially over, please respond back and let me know your thoughts, feelings, aha moments, shocks and more now that you’ve finished reading till the very end. I’ll be on standby to respond.

Much Love Always,

~OEV 💋