Happily Separated! Part 3

I said I was gon’ talk about sex in this LOEV Letter but I will have to instead deviate back to some pins from the previous email as in the course of me sharing my heart with you, there’s been some new developments. But don’t worry, I will finish every story I started. That’s why I stick pins everywhere to help me remember to go back.

So let’s get started

2016 had been a pivotal year for me as that’s the year I had to start breaking away from what I had built with The Estranged and build my own. The good thing was I didn’t have to do it alone. I had finally hired interns the previous year who would go onto help me in building my own platform. I was evolving in every way. 

It also was the first time I did my very first paid workshop on my own. To promote it, I would go live by myself on a platform called Periscope which is where we would go live often to help couples and singles. We would spend hours on those lives…well…I would. If you were following me back then, you remember those lengthy sessions we had. And I’m not saying he never stayed on long, I’m just saying he would be out and I would continue on. I never complained about this because aside from videos and written posts, I had found a new love…Live-streaming. And girl did I relish in that. I remember being on for 8 straight hours more than once helping, debating, teaching, chatting etc and not missing a beat. I would nurse our youngest right there on the live and then he would take him when I was done which often meant, he was not returning. lol

After being angry and a lil sad about him leaving the platform we had, because he wanted to do his own thing, I had finally become a bit excited about building a new platform separate of him as I had been evolving. I was also finding myself wanting to be more vulnerable and wanting to share more of that with him. I wanted to give and receive more in the marriage and that included sexually. But I noticed he had not been growing or evolving in the things I was, especially sexually.

Now don’t get me wrong, that was initially ok because he was one who was always down to try new things and change things up but ONLY if I initiated and led the way. 

And that was the thing. I was actually kinda tired of leading the way in spicing things up sexually. Would he oblige? Yep. Every single time. And that should be all that matters right? Nah. I didn’t marry just to be the one who initiated change in just about everything. I’m the one who planned family vacations. No big deal. I’m the one who planned any family photo shoots. No big deal. I’m the one who called the family meetings. Kinda a big deal. I’m the one who reached out to counselors and therapists and planned our sessions if we were having unmanageable marital issues. Somewhat of a big deal but because he always obliged the sessions, I let it ride. I’m the one who always read up on bettering the marriage whether there were issues or not. Big deal that I also let ride because as long as he would read what I sent and we discuss it together, that was fine. But I begin noticing a trend in our marriage as I was mentioning in my previous LOEV Letter to you. I was the one who always did these self improvement things and then send to him, ask him his thoughts, we’d discuss and then…things would remain the same regardless…on his end.

We all have roles in marriage so that’s why some of the things I always did, that he never did, were no big deal. He’s just not going to plan the family vacations. That was my thing and I did it with no complaints. So maybe I should have left that out of the example. At the same time, I’m showing how certain things were no big deal if he didn’t lead the way in them but others definitely were.

See, I got caught up in him doing the work of obliging that I was overlooking that he wasn’t really doing the work of applying. What do I mean? In other words, he was obliging to reading and discussing any article, video or blog post. We would even start reading a book together on something about bettering our marriage that only I would finish. We would discuss up to what he had read and then that was it. Here I was seeing it as that was him applying what he was reading, watching and discussing but in actuality, he was only obliging to reading, watching and discussing and even agreeing to what the research said. He wasn’t necessarily taking action by being transformed by something he read that would cause him to apply it to his role in the marriage. Now does that make sense?

He did the work of engaging with the work but he wasn’t applying the work in order to solve the problem we were having in that area of our marriage. And that is why I was often overlooking these things as I was blinded by or focused more on the fact that he was doing what most wives said their husbands wouldn’t even do. Most of my wife clients would say things like, 

“OEV, I can’t even get him to agree to counsel”. 

Me checking a box that my husband would agree to counsel.

“OEV, even if he says ok to counsel, he never goes”.

Me checking a box that my husband would say ok and go to counsel.

“OEV, I sent him articles that would help us in this area and he just won’t read them”.

Me checking a box that my husband would read the articles in areas that would help our marriage.

And the thing is, me checking the mental boxes was not a mental “one up” to these women, it was simply me trying to understand why was it that my husband would do these things and other husbands would not? So I was looking for solutions to see what I was doing that got my husband to participate that I could share with these ladies to help them to get their husbands to participate. 

But here was the biggest issue in that; the “results” of the marriages where the husbands who never checked the boxes my husband did, were awfully similar to the overall “results” I was getting in my own marriage. Which was “Nothing Changed”. It only looked like it did because he was doing the surface work that checked the boxes.

✅ Discuss the issue

✅ Agree to counsel on the issue

✅ Go to counsel together 

✅ Talk about the counsel in this area 

✅ Discuss the solutions from counsel

✅ ❌ Go to counsel separately (I would, he wouldn’t)

✅❌ Apply the solutions from counsel (I would, he wouldn’t)

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

And this is why even after 20 years of marriage, we still have the same issue when it comes to finances. 20 years. Because it was never dealt with or solved as I just continued to check off boxes, give credit for surface work and put out his fires. And now…here we are.

If you following me on social media, you know I’ve recently been sharing very vulnerable videos in my stories. In one of the last ones, I shared my anger towards The Estranged and it ended with me being checked on and hugged by our youngest son who we still call Baby Man lol. Well…The Estranged finally stuck his head in and saw it and boy did it garner the reaction…but I’m not surprised at the reaction at all. (Stick a 📍 here). Remember I shared we only talk via email and I only respond to what’s necessary to respond to. If I feel it doesn’t garner a response, that email remains read and that’s it. 

Well, of the things The Estranged has perfected during this 20 year union was the art of self punishing. Yes. I have somewhat shared this about him but never in full nor to the degree that I am about to.

Self Punishment, I’m sure you know, can be a coping mechanism for emotional pain or a way to alleviate pain or guilt. But if you up this to another level where it’s done with a religious spin on it, then it’s normally called “self flagellation”. So in Christianity, self flagellation is actually a devotional practice that involves beating oneself with whips or other instruments so you can share in the suffering of Christ and focus on The Most High. There are other forms of this but any type of self punishment with a religious spin on it is done to “show remorse” (stick a 📍 here) for sin or when you effed up big time. The Estranged is a pro at this.

“The Son of Man has no place to lay his head”.

Except it’s never beating himself or using this to self-harm, it’s the way he lives during this time. When I wrote a post called, “When Love Stands”, I shared how we had been separated after one of the many intense arguments we had about his job losses and money and how he would walk out and just leave me hanging and leave me to deal with everything on my own. Even saying it in the way I just said it it’s way more than I said in that post. Where would he go? I’m so glad you asked. 

Now this particular time he went to his parents and I didn’t know it. How I didn’t? Because that’s not what he would normally do. He would normally be for to the streets. No, not those streets…the literal streets. He would become a nomad…homeless if you will and he would literally live like a homeless man. He wouldn’t eat even if he had money to buy food. In fact, if he had a job during one of these times he would walk miles to it because he’d leave the car with me and any children we had at that time. If he had any money, cash or in the bank, he would leave it and the bank card. He would leave with only the clothes on his back, his ID and then vanish.

Of course I’m angry when he leaves but I’m also worried like crazy like, is the father of my children ok? Is he hurt? Is he alive? Dead? A friend I had at the time would come stay with me sometimes when he would do this because I had newborns during each of these times. Let me say this…I’m not saying he shouldn’t have left to cool off because those arguments would become hostile because I was letting his ass have it about the stupid decisions he would make that often led us to financial catastrophe. So I get the need to walk and take a break.

But to leave me with how ever many babies we had during each of his disappearing acts was a coward move to me and I don’t care how nobody else sees it. He would even call himself a coward when he would finally come back home which would quiet me down and cause me to stop blaming him, stop focusing on what he did wrong and begin consoling him instead. Did you get what I just said? Ok let me help you.

He would self punish, go missing, live like a self proclaimed nomad and homeless person, come back a mess, as soon as I’m going off about the fact of him leaving me, leaving us, he would quickly agree, put himself down, cry sometimes especially after I would place his newborn child in his hands who he also walked out on, and then I would stop blaming, screaming and cussing at him to now consoling and encouraging him. That man is good!

Now, I’m making sure that he doesn’t beat himself up. Now, I’m making sure he knows he’s loved. Now, I’m making sure he’s encouraged. Now, I’m making sure he knows he can keep doing this shit because I ain’t going nowhere…that Ima always be right there waiting when you find your way back home to me. So who was consoling me at this time after not knowing where the children of my father was? Who?? Right.

Yes, I held it down when he chose to leave when the hard, intense discussions were being had. No, he couldn’t handle them but I handled everything while he was gone for days and weeks at a time and me not knowing if he was dead or alive. Hating when anyone knocked on my door or rung my doorbell (a trigger I still have to this day) because it was either someone coming to disconnect something, repossess something, serve something or tell me the father of my child/children was found dead somewhere. I’m in absolute tears writing this now as I look over at my two youngest sleeping in the room with me not only remembering how hysterical I would be during those times but also because as I look at his children, I know that their father is out there right now doing what he’s always done…choosing to self punish and live a life of…

Let’s just get to the new development…well new to you but old asf to me.

Remember I stuck a📍 at me not being surprised at his reaction to my stories and remember the other 📍 where I said he’d “show remorse”? Ok. Yes he self punishes and he does admit to being wrong, seemingly taking responsibility for his shortcomings but what I didn’t realize was that it's manipulative and takes the attention off what he did so we can get to a real solution to end the financial catastrophe he caused and instead puts the attention back on him and his feelings to where I become empathetic, sympathetic and encouraging towards him, instead of blaming him and/or holding him accountable. And then I either clean up the mess he made myself or come up with a plan to clean up his mess while also making sure our children good and our house is in some kinda order all while trying to also speak to and help my audience. Chile I been busy these 20 years!

Anyway…here’s the email response to my stories I received from him…

And this is the start of the manipulation. Let me break it down some for you in 3 parts. Ok you saw the screenshot now let’s go over the words.

Part 1: The (Pseudo) Apology

He said, “I just saw your Facebook story. I don't know if you meant for me to see it but I did. I was actually in a trace like state from not seeing you for so long. And to see Baby Man comfort you when, yes, that shoulda been me, was totally heartbreaking. Totally stupid moves I made for 20 years. I worked but it wasn’t ENOUGH or we wouldn't be where we are now. The work that should've been done was work ON ME.

He has always been one to “seemingly” take responsibility for where he’s messed up. Most times when I would first call him out, there would be pushback and he would often just counter and find a way to blame me. But I always stood on business on what I was saying and had receipts, then he would acknowledge what his “mistakes” patterns were. Just when you think he’s fully taken accountability, something else was lurking. Look at what he said, “The work that should’ve been done was work ON ME”. Yes yes, right? This is what we all want; the ability to be called out, be held accountable for where we err, confess/admit to our errors and THEN do the work necessary to make sure we don’t err in this area again. It may take a few more mess ups in this area before there’s evidential change but when you apply the solution to this problem area, change for the better is inevitable, right? This is what used to get me every 👏 single 👏 time. I believed what he said…but here’s what he showed.

Part 2: The Manipulation of the Self Punishing Male

But to say I "have it easy". Sleeping on park benches and sleeping at picnic tables and not having anywhere to lay my head at night and once again waking up with swollen feet is not easy at all. If it wasn't for me having a work van now to get around I don't know what I'd do. Shedding tears between calls daily because I SO HURT from missing my wife and children is not easy. Being reminded daily of what I did to my family is not easy. Living out here..seeing what I've seen and heard at night...NOT easy. I even had stop a guy from stealing the very phone I'm typing on..not easy. (Stick a 📍here).

Notice the But after he apologized right? Oh girl I’m telling you I know him so well. The apology was the set up to get you to calm down and see, “hey at least he’s admitting to what he did”. But this “But” is where he brings it on home because now, he’s about to get you to remove the focus off what he DID to what’s happening with him NOW. When I tell you he smooth with this shit. BayBee! My estranged husband has always self punished when he messes up big time. This is not the first time he has “chosen” homelessness and lived like a nomad as I’ve already told you. In 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010, this man would literally walk out after a huge argument where we were in some kind of financial chaos because he lost another job or “left another job because the Lord told him” 👀 …this man would go live for nights in high school bathrooms (The Pursuit of Happyness), walk 1000 miles to his new employment (Vanessa Carlton Version) because he did the “honorable” thing and left me the car and any money we had at the time and live on the literal streets in sackcloth and ashes gear of the 2000’s (ultimate sacrifice).

Mind you, he’s NEVER once had to be homeless but it’s what he chooses as a sacrifice not unto the Lord, not even unto his family, but unto his damn ego. How so? Because just like this damn email, he always finds a way to put the attention back on him and his made up “chosen” struggle. Because his chosen struggle is harder (“not easy” as he says) as his wife and children being of the homeless that they did not choose but had to and is having to endure, not choose to endure. That my friends is classic manipulation and feeding of the ego.

Manipulation: to control or play upon by artful, unfair, or insidious means especially to one's own advantage

Manipulative Behavior: when someone uses harmful and controlling tactics to avoid responsibility, hide their intentions, or cause confusion and doubt. Examples of manipulative behavior

Gaslighting, 

Exploiting the victim's weaknesses for personal gain

Convincing the victim to give up important people or things in their lives

Withholding the truth 

Blaming the victim without taking responsibility for their actions

Making vague accusations

Constantly judging or ridiculing the victim

Guilt trips

None of those examples fit. That, at least in my eyes, just wasn’t him. But this was

“A manipulator can skew any situation to make themselves the victim”.

Now we getting to the meat.

And

“If someone consistently makes you feel

✅ emotionally drained

✅ anxious(got the prescription to prove it)

✅ fearful or doubtful of your own needs thoughts, and feelings

✅✅ ✅ you may be dealing with emotional manipulation

Now please keep in mind, I’m reading this just like you. I experienced this with him and you didn’t but I am STILL STRUGGLING to define him as this.

Remember, he’s one of the good guys. He’s kind. He’s nice. He’s protective of me and our children. He protects women. He protects children. He was the man women of several races would leave their children unattended around at the park to go run to their cars and take phone calls when he was with our children. 

He was/is TRUSTED. Not a crackhead. Not a physical abuser. Not a verbal abuser. Not a gambler. Not one who misspends the money we did have coming in. Not a womanizer. No. But he is one who gives his last without hesitation. One who’s active with his children. One who’s still so attracted to his wife. One who prays. This is the version I’ve seen of him many times and the one the public and social media sees regularly.

So wtf is the issue? The issue is the version of him you do not see because you did not live with us. And that version of him is a manipulator who feeds his ego and is financially abusive. There…I said it. And that is the version I covered for. I praised and bragged on the version you know of him. I covered for, cussed out and caped for the version of him you didn’t know of. And that is the version who wrote the email response to my stories…well at least parts of that version of him

But remember I told you he’s the exact same man I married, whereas I am not the exact same woman he married.

So now you know he self punishes and I didn't even realize it's manipulative and takes the attention off what he did to cause financial catastrophe and instead puts the attention back on him to where I become empathetic, sympathetic and encouraging towards him, instead of blaming him and/or holding him accountable. And then I either clean up or come up with a plan to clean up his mess

He claims he doesn't have it easy because he's "homeless homeless" yet he CHOOSES to self punish and be homeless to wear it as a badge of honor to be able to say, "I went homeless to provide for my family. I did whatever it took".

He did this in early 2019 when he stayed at a men's homeless shelter for 2mos in Texas while he was the only man there with a brand new car and a high earning job. He told me he was going to encourage men and share his story of being homeless for those 2 months. I had to tell him more ppl would be angry that he took room from a man in real need just because he didn't find at least a room with shower access to stay in while me and the children were still in Louisiana. I've finally come to realize he is underdeveloped and childish in certain areas because who the hell thinks of that? Then again, I always said he was clever even before we married.

Whereas I no longer have parents to go home to, he does and they would easily let him stay as they have before when we were separated years ago for the same shit. He has plenty of family and places he can stay as he doesn't have 5 children to worry about. He literally acts like a big religious baby zealot when he messes up and yet he NEVER once made amends with the jobs he stole from by at the very least, admitting to what he's done, apologizing or even offering to pay back over time what he stole.

Part 3

The Remorse of the Manipulative Man

“If it wasn't for me having a work van now to get around I don't know what I'd do. Shedding tears between calls daily because I SO HURT from missing my wife and children is not easy. Being reminded daily of what I did to my family is not easy. Living out here..seeing what I've seen and heard at night...NOT easy. I even had stop a guy from stealing the very phone I'm typing on..not easy. But no, I didn't know you went to my parents house. But am I upset? Not one bit. No wait...yeah...I am upset. But not at you of course. Because ALL of what you're doing is a DIRECT RESULT of MY ACTIONS. Everything happening right now is a shockwave from the bomb that I detonated. I was my family's insurance that LAPSED SEVERAL TIMES. I'm beyond sorry that I became my family's Judas”.

Each time he self punished and showed remorse, I would praise it, privately and publicly. I would find a way to put it in a post even if the post didn’t share exactly what he was remorseful for. It’s almost like he was remorseful to receive praise for the remorse? 🤔 

20 years of this. 20 years. And you want me to go back to this? How Sway?

I have no doubt he’s remorseful tho. I have no doubt he’s shed some tears. And even tho this email pisses me off, I do feel for him…until I remember the day my children and I were embarrassingly kicked out of the Comfort Inn hotel and were officially homeless and had nowhere to go as they kept my deposit that I gave them in cash and they didn’t refund me for the 2 days I had paid up. And guess who wasn’t there when it happened? Guess who wasn’t there when the electric people would come to the house to disconnect the service and I had to go grab a baby or 2 to go to the door to plead with them not to turn it off on behalf of my babies at the time? Guess who wasn’t there when they came to take our water meter because he was using the tool he borrowed from his dad to keep turning the water back on when the water department would keep turning it off for nonpayment? Guess? Guess who’s CHOOSING HOMELESSNESS instead of being resourceful and/or getting it out the mud and getting a place so he can see his children? Guess who on the other hand reached out to a strong support system when I had NOWHERE ELSE TO GO and couldn’t depend on him and got a place so my children didn’t have to be in a homeless shelter or the streets like their father especially after my therapist, who’s also a licensed clinical social worker, said she would have to report this situation as it’s her job to do so even tho they may take my children from me if I didn’t get into a safe place soon? Guess?

So did I feel something for his tears? Maybe. But do I gaf? Yes and no. I gaf because he’s the sole father of all my children. But I don’t gaf about the way he feels as he’s the cause and cure of his situation. I’m so damn glad I jumped off that sinking ship and gave up mental exhaustion of him playing in my face where he mixes being victim and villain to saying he has it hard when I’m the one with all of our children. I could have chosen homelessness too and let the state take our children and went to live in the damn wilderness like him. 

Or I could have did what I did and reached out and found a way to make sure another boat was available to me after jumping ship. I thank The Most High for blowing up my life, my marriage and opening my eyes to see the pattern I was serving, to see the version of a man I was covering and to see the foolishness I was teaching my children.

We got put out on Independence Day…and that was the day my eyes fully opened and is why his email didn’t reel me back in as it did all those other times. It triggered me but it didn’t reel me back in because I have “heard it all before” Alexa, Siri and Google, play Sunshine Anderson’s Heard It All Before and blast that shit please

There are levels to homelessness and even in his choosing of it, he chose the most extreme level to self flagellate to…living with the trees on park benches with a high tech Android phone, a work van and the clothes on his back. And this is the man I’m supposed to “for better or worse” for? Submit to in everything for? And render due benevolence to? Y’all got me all the way… (Stick all the 📍📍 📍📍 📍 right here dammit).

Breathe in, breathe out woosah

OK..I’m good. I’m safe. exhales 

Look…I’m not apologizing for having to go there today. You decided to go on this ride with me, then you ride with me boo because I’m driving us there. What I’m sharing may sound truly insane which is why I’m happily separated. I may wake up sad at times, pissed at times and in a state of disbelief at times but the one thing I do not wake up as anymore, is a wife putting out her husbands fires. I’ll take this transitional stage over any of that shit any day because transition means there’s a change in the mist!!

And you are riding in the car with me at just the right time to not only see it, but also be apart of it. Congratulations to you seeing it in real time and not “testimonial” time. And trust, The Most High is speaking to you too in my LOEV Letters. On exactly what, I don’t know but I do know it’s like what Morpheus told Neo the first time Neo saw the Oracle in the first Matrix, “What’s for you is for you”.

So yes, sex is finally next and the last part of the series of this LOEV Letter as now I have to do something I’ve been dreading…go back to the area where my life blew up. Look out for that update next. See you Wednesday or Sunday if you can wait that long. 😊 

Always Much Love,

~OEV