Happily Separated! Part 4

Hey Lady!

Glad to see you’re still ridin’ with me. 😊 

There’s been some recent developments, which is why my LOEV Letter to you is a slightly later than normal today, so even as I write to you, those developments are still developing. I normally like to share those updates along the way as I continue to have eye-opening experiences that I feel sharing can also be beneficial to you in some way but this time, I will have to wait as this one will take more time to breakdown than I realized. But…I will share this Wednesday as I use some Wednesdays to write to you as well.

I’ve gone live on my Facebook page a few times since I’ve been sharing my LOEV Letter with you. They will only be up for 30days and those days have already started counting down. So if you want to see my latest one, click here. But on those lives I often share in raw and unedited form on not only the blow up of my life that finally led to my separation but also recent events happening in the mist of things now. What I’ve been learning is that I had not only been manipulated but that my estranged husband is a master manipulator but he is also a financial abuser. Thing is, I didn’t think he KNEW he was these things. Meaning, I felt he are these things but he’s unaware of it. A few trusted professionals from within my support system have been sharing their insight on this and I’ve been so emotional because the jury’s still out on this part.

Anyway, financial abuse is defined as a form of family violence. Family violence is when one person uses power and control over another. Family violence is a repeated pattern of behaviour, and can occur between partners or other family members. Many people think of family violence as either physical injury or emotional abuse. However, withholding money, controlling the household spending or refusing to include you in financial decisions can be defined as family violence.

He never withheld money…he never controlled the household spending. In fact this was one of the agreements he had to make in order for me to marry him in that I would handle the finances. He agreed to this. He never refused to include me in financial decisions. I handled the money so I was the primary decision maker with the money. So how was I financially abused, right?

Two professionals, one being from the Domestic Violence Hotline, told me that the financial abuse that’s often not talked about is the one where the man who is the financial provider continues to cause financial unrest and disarray in the home because of his inability to keep or maintain stable employment and/or steady income. They said it was covert because it often happens in a manner that is so delicate or precise as to be difficult to analyze or describe. Not one therapist, not one coach, not one ministerial counselor, not one friend that I shared this with ever caught this. Not one. This is not to say any of them are at fault; no this is just to say that that is how subtle it is because I didn’t catch it either. It has taken me over 20 years to realize I was actually in an abusive and toxic marriage. And many will not ‘qualify” me as an abused wife because he was/is a genuinely ‘nice guy’. This is why so many, women especially, is taking up for him because you know what else he was doing that I didn’t know about? That I found out around October 2023? He was giving women money via his inbox. Ahh yes. That plot thickening up like a mug ain’t it?

Yeah so he gave me his phone to watch the videos he recorded of the house we wanted to buy and he fell asleep while I was watching this 20 min long video he had done while we were being shown the house earlier that day. I had to pause for a few mins to do something but came back to finish the video while sitting right next to him and when I went to push play to continue, I mistakenly push a notification that came up on the screen at the same time. See how The Most High was showing me things I would have never known? So his inbox opens and there’s this woman thanking him for the money and agreeing with him that he was right that he couldn’t keep giving her money as she needed to come up with a solution to her own money problems. Now ain’t that about a b*tch? The damn irony.

So I decided to go down a rabbit hole sitting right beside his sleepin ass to find out what in the hell. Please know I didn’t inherently care about him giving women money as people, especially women in general, came to him for financial help for years because he’s in ministry right? Most of these women never came to me first anyway as y’all know how it works in these “churches”. Go to the pastor, not the pastor’s wife. Not that I am a pastor’s wife and never really claimed that title even when he was within the four walls, but that’s just how that’s always been. The disrespect for the wife can be real, but anyway. Years and years ago, he would come to me asking how much can we give and I would either agree to the requested amount or reduce it because umm, I was over here having babies and already putting out financial fires so know that we couldn’t give to everyone. Also please know that most of these requests would hit during tax season too. 😆I’m just sayin.

But this rabbit hole led to several women he had given money to. Mostly single mothers in need. Electric bills, food, water bills..you know..all the shit we were also behind on even in a big house in an affluent neighborhood. So I was hot but not burning hot yet because I really did understand he loved to help people. But there was something about this help that was bothering the hell outta me. He was sending money to these women when we was behind on bills. No nothing sexual or anything like that was going because when I say I went down the rabbit hole, please know I did not come up out that hole until I had read the very beginning of every inbox and message between him and the ladies. They were really in financial need but SO WERE WE. TF?

Again, it wasn’t until within these last 2 months that it hit me that he was wanting to be praised for being a provider. Remember I told you, he wore provider as a badge of honor just like I wore marriage as one and whatever you wear as a badge of honor, you have to continue to feed. Know why? Because a badge of honor is a mark or an expression of pride and one of the definitions of pride is a feeling of deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one's own achievements. You got that? So when you are failing as a provider in your own household and your wife is letting you know that what you do is not enough based upon the agreement y’all married on and the constant bills y’all have with 5 mouths to feed, a man’s male’s gotta find one way or another to feed that badge of honor as a provider. What more of a way to do that than get it from the most credulous people on the planet…women (or children) right? I say that because we really want to believe the best in people and what we see on social media. This man stayed posting about me and our children as another badge of honor so women just swooned over that.

So why not hit up the perfect pastor with the beautiful family and ask him for help? And why not help these women so they can say you helped them? And why tell your wife when you know she would tell you off for giving to others before (or after, it didn’t matter in this case) your own household? But guess what? I never said a word about that to him. Why? Because at that time I really did believe he was just a man with a heart to help women and children…who were also the ones who gave him the most praise.

By the time I discovered these giftings, we were in the middle of reconciling our marriage which is also another reason I didn’t say anything…you know…keeping the peace and keeping the focus on the reconciliation. And we were back to having sex after years of me saying nope. Yes I said years. I had shut it down and of course this would get thrown in my face. To be fair, I understood him having sexual needs. I had them too. But I can tell you first hand when you turned off from a man, you ain’t giving him no sex and I was turned all the way off. Remember when I talked about the 5 Pillars in previous newsletters and the 5 legged stool, well the financial abuse had started to take its toll on me and the leg of finances had become crumbly. Then it started affecting all the legs especially the physical/sexual leg of the stool. I was totally turned off from him in every way but just as I had been cordial with my abusive father for years until his death, I could do the same with him. I was cordial. We could still laugh at things, watch movies together, go on outings, even vacations as long as it was family related. We could also have discussions on things even tho they were no longer stimulating conversations as I had outgrown him in the intellect depart on particular interests we once had.

But sex was always an argument…

Him: “How you gon sexually liberate women but not your own husband”.

Me: “They pay me”.

"Him: “Always about money with you.

Me: “Well when shit keep getting cut off, yes. Whatchu wanna do? F*ck in a shelter”?

Him: “It’s like you only want me for my money”.

Me: “What damn money?

Him: “See”.

Me: “If I only wanted you for your money, I would have been gone long ago.

Him: “Every time I bring up sex, you bring up money”

He was absolutely right. It was avoidance on one end and frustration on the other. He was sexually frustrated and wanted to be sexually liberated and I was financially frustrated and wanted to be financially liberated. We were at an impasse. Now…I could sexually liberate him. The problem was, he couldn’t financially liberate me therefore the impasse remained…for over 5 years. I wasn’t compromising and he couldn’t compromise. But I did do something he would never really do. I reached out for counseling. What kind? On how to get back the desire for a man I was married to but was no longer attracted to. I had become one of those wives who just couldn’t stomach her husband. I had become her and it shocked the hell out of me. Oh I could be a Sexologist and talk about sex, help you get it on in your marriage and I got the receipts to prove it, but I could no longer stomach sex with my own man. I couldn’t even stomach kissing him let alone him flirting with me.

I know this was absolutely heartbreaking for him. I know you reading this and probably feeling for him in this area. I know you possibly looking at me like the fraud I probably was. But I will say this…I may not have been having sex with him but it didn’t take away from what I did. I’m good at what I do and it’s because not only am I one who researches, studies and applies but I also did and had done just about everything I talked about by the time I became a sex coach in 2016 onto a Sexologist in 2019. I taught wives how to have explosive orgasms because I had had explosive orgasms. I taught women how to get what they wanted in the bedroom because I had gotten what I wanted in the bedroom. I taught women how to sexually express themselves in the bedroom by also being sexually vulnerable and letting go because I had been sexually expressive and sexually vulnerable by letting go in the bedroom. I had even helped women on how to overcome sexual trauma and become that sexual goddess in the bedroom unapologetically and snatch his soul because when it came to sex and what I do, I am her. And yes in sex he would always oblige and we pleased each other. But tho I was sexually satisfied for most of my marriage, I wasn’t financially satisfied and this heavily began to affect my sexual performance.

I teach on 3 ways to have sex; pleasurable, performance and obligatory. So I don’t have to go into details of that, you can watch a small clip on this teaching here. So before I went full stop in sex, I had stopped having pleasurable and performative sex (which was my favorite btw) and only obligatory. I’m not really a fan of obligatory sex. Yes I would still cum because this is a skill I have and have taught, but this was not the way I ever wanted to cum or have sex. I know you may be reading this like, “Girl at least you always came”, which is true once I got him all the way together as newlyweds, but cummin was no longer the point for me. Why? Because after sex, there were still bills, and cut off notices and foreclosure sale dates and eviction notices and fires to put out. After sex is supposed to be pillow talking and cuddling and lotsa lovey dovey type shit but my “after sex life” had become me staying wide awake worrying while his ass slept. Yes I put him to sleep but even after me cummin, he could no longer put me to sleep because not even the orgasm could stop me from the “billgasms” that were piling up on my desk.

I would sometimes look over at him after sex where I used to smile at him looking cute sleep and being proud of myself for puttin him to sleep, to lookin at him about to throw up with disgust as to “how the hell can you sleep knowing they coming to disconnect everything in the morning”? I’m up all night researching and praying and crying out and “spreading it before the Lord” after spreading it before his broke sleep ass. But that’s who I married. It’s who I chose. It’s who I procreated with. He’s who I held down and covered for. He’s who I submitted to…in my own way of course…but I never signed up for this. I never chose this. I never married this. I never submitted to this. I never procreated for this. I did not marry as a believer to a believer to be so worried, frustrated, fearful, manipulated, abused and deprived of being provided for when I’m having all your babies and staying home to take care of them in every way. I am doing my part as we both agreed but what about you?

So at the end of September of 2023, I decided after all the counsel I had received to get back to sex in spite of his financial abuse. I applied the counsel and reached out to him one morning before work. I had talked myself into being attracted to him sexually thinking it would help financially. It was brainwork at its finest. (Stick a 📍 here). I basically just told him I wanted us to work on our marriage and that included sex. He was an asshole about it at first because he does have those tendencies in his other version of himself, but I held on and was an asshole right back but we got through it. It was awkward as hell in the beginning, but as I teach, some things can be mechanical at first until they become natural. (Stick a 📍here).

So he said he wanted to take me out on a date and of course I had to plan it. So I chose something we had never done together. Archery. Now, there was something tryna creep up on me during the planning session because when I told him how much it was to reserve a space for us he said, “OK I don’t know if I have that much on me. I can send you this. Can you add the rest”? The rest means from the money set to take care of things. I said fine and ignored that creep up feeling. We had a nice and awkward time out. He flirted with me as he’d always done, I giggled as I’d always done. It was fun. Then the ride home was also awkward. I was def very horny and wanted sex and I knew he did too. So eventually after some more flirting and putting out the children like old times, it happened. I did a few things I had never done before, he did the same shit. We both got ours and I felt I slept in bliss. Things had started to go from mechanical to natural fairly quickly. We were back to having sex daily and I was talking new talk and he was talking the same talk. I mean I can’t help that I’m a Sexologist and I know things, but damn can you put some effort into researching something spicy and applying it too? No? Fine. So I continued to stay with the new created vibe in spite of the familiarity of this unnew found sex life of ours. I mean it was hot and spicy for a min there. Hit em up before work. After work. Asking can we do it in his work van and everywhere I could think of. No that didn’t happen 😆 But then his check came and it wasn’t what it should have been and now I’m like, “Ok, why is this check lower than regular”? Sound familiar? Just keep up with my stories

“You remember…” this can be a trigger for me because when it came to him and money, there are words and phrases that mean, “aw hell here come the bullshit” and ‘you remember’ is one of them “…when I came home early that Wednesday? Well, I only got ___ hours in so…”

And then it just continued on from there. Things had changed sexually with me and he was turned on by that. Things had remained the same sexually for him and I was slowly being turned off by that. He talked the same, sexed the same, came the sex, nothing had changed sexually nor financially for that matter. Then the arguments started.

Him: “We haven’t had sex in two days and I’m burning for you”.

Me: “I know. But it’s hard for me to think about sex when we late on rent”.

Him: ‘That’ll get taken care of honey. Take care of me”.

What I didn’t see then that I see clearly now was that he could also be dismissive when I was being vulnerable about money during this reconciliation. When he shared his sexual needs/concerns, I acknowledged him and then shared why it had been two days. When I shared my financial needs/concerns, I was dismissed and told to just take care of his sexual needs.

And this had become a common theme of this marriage. But notice who was getting counsel and applying the counsel albeit against my own best interest at the time and who wasn’t. He was comfortable. He was getting what he wanted and needed and I was being left with pregnancy test knowing an abortion was coming if the second line of that stick showed up. I make no apologies for this. Never had one but I had already decided if I was pregnant this late in the game, that was the only answer if he keep breaking fkin condoms, takin them off midway or jus not puttin them on. And I wasn’t gon tell him if I had to do that either. I absolutely loathed the position I was being put in just to get back to having sex with my own husband. And then he posted the post that had me all the way effed up. “My pull out game weak”. After a night of good sex actually, this is what he put up? And you may have liked that post and played around with him on it. But when it got back to me I was like, “he aint got no money but he got the damn audacity”.

I felt disgusted, sick, disrespected, angry, sad because I’m in the bathroom peeing on a stick praying the second line don’t come thru and he on social media cheering on his ability to cum up in me but not come up with money for me and what comes from him cummin up in me. breathe 

count 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

Every last one of our children, were born while he was unemployed fired unemployable financially abusing me but getting me pregnant so he can have his quiver full. Every last one…but I’m not supposed to deprive him? Say no? And you seriously still wondering why I left him and his weapon of mass reproduction?

I understand reading these letters do not seem or feel like I am “Happily Separated” but after you’ve lost everything but kept your mind, do you know what it’s like to wake up each day and not have to worry about a grown ass man and his bullshit? Do you know what it’s like to wake up maybe still in your feelings but at the same time able to think about YOU for a change and not him? Do you understand that even tho I may not have a permanent place yet, I get to wake up and just be…without being rushed to put on a cape and go save the day, without grabbing the waterhose and go put out fires, without being pressured for sex with a sexually irresponsible man? Do you know how that feels? To me it feels like the beginning of freedom that I thought I had but am now FINALLY experiencing for the first time in 20 fkn years.

I may be hurt. I may be sad. I may be angry. I may be a nomad. And I’m damn sure emotional and I may be other things too, but in the words of the great Celie with Tasia sangin’ it best, “I’m Here”! Baby I am HERE!

And no man can take that from me. I started a marriage with a home and cars and a little money with hopes and dreams of building a nation. I’m separated now without a home, little money and just my truck, but the nations from my belly are with me because I got them no matter what’s going on outside. And I also have accomplished the things I wanted to while inside this 20 year marriage. In 20 years I’ve

Birthed 5 Babies all by c-section including 3 Preemies

Nursed and tandem nursed 5 Babies

Homeschooled 5 children who have never been to regular school even tho that might change soon

Built a platform of over 200k followers combined

Authored several books

Became a Best Selling Author

Became a Certified Life Coach

Became a Certified Sexologist

Became a Mentor to Thousands of Women

Built a Strong Support System

Built a Solid Relationship with The Most High that no one can put asunder

Met YOU

And more is yet to come. That means no one could stop my purpose and my #1 purpose was to Grow/Evolve and I did that and then some and still got more to do. I’m that Chick for real because of who got me for real.

And this is why I keep telling people, do not pray for this marriage. The Most High is tearing it completely down and what The Most High tears down is either torn down to be rebuilt better or torn down to be rebuilt never. But no matter, it is being torn down and I am not getting in the way tryin to save something that was never meant to be what it has become and you do not get to decide about this. This marriage really is ‘above me now’ and that is why I’m Happily Separated.

See you Wednesday.

Always Much Love,

~ OEV