Happy Birthday to My Estranged Husband...

Happy Birthday to the father of all of my children. I do appreciate that overall, he has been a pretty good Dad. He was always pretty present and involved with them and they are still crazy about him which is good. On their first visit of seeing him after we first came back from Florida, he shared where he had been staying and that he was really sorry about everything that happened. He also told them, (according to them) that I didn’t want to see him and was still upset with him. It was true but such an understatement as it’s a lot more to it than that. But today I want to share why I’m wishing him a happy birthday in spite of everything that’s gone down between us and what’s still going on.

I haven’t missed a birthday so I sent a simple “Happy Birthday” (subject line) “Enjoy yourself” (body) email on yesterday. I made sure the children reached out to him for his birthday as well. And then enjoyed my Saturday for the most part. Then I heard about his birthday post and was like…same ole same ole. I won’t post his post, I will just share my thoughts on it where he admits to being inconsistent over the years.

While I am somewhat happy that he shared he has been inconsistent all these years, did he say what the eff he’s been inconsistent in? Since he decided to post his “overnight transformation” and coming to Jesus moment on his birthday, where the hell was the transparency? Oh I know…everybody not like me. I get it. And no, he doesn’t have to post like me at all. He can share what he wants to share and not share what he does not want to share. My questions are simply based upon what he said to me when he was trying to convince me he had changed and that the 5.0 version of him was loading. OK let me take y’all back a minute.

Before we ever had children and were newlyweds, we would go to church where he was a minister right? So since he was COGIC (Church of God in Christ), they would have testimony time. You may have heard of things like this at some or many churches where you can go up and testify on how good The Most High has been to you or how The Most High brought you out of something etc. So several times during these services, I would be left wondering what in the world kinda testimonies I was listening to. I remember once he went up and his testimony went like this, “First give an honor to God who’s head of my life, my pastor who’s also my Dad ________________________, First Lady who’s also my Mom ___________________________, Deacon ____________________, Deacon ________________ and the church family. Thank you for allowing me to be up here and share what God did for me. I was going thru something at work this past week and that thang was bothering me all week”. (church says their unhuhs’ and speaks’ and take your times’) But on Friday…right before the weekend, God delivered me out of all of it"!” entire church erupts…except for me

When I tell you I was confused and wondering what the hell just happened. Everybody was coming up to him after church saying how his testimony blessed them and then they would come to me and tell me how awesome of a man he was. Now you know me well enough to know I would be bringing this up after church right? So we in the car and I’m like, “Your testimony”? He was like, “Yeah?” I was like, “Was it about what happened with you and your supervisor over your work schedule and hours”? He was like, “Yeah you already know about that”. I responded, “Yes but they don’t. Why didn’t you tell them what really happened? That would have really blessed them and been a testament to what God really did do in your life. Especially since we prayed all week about that”. He looked in thought and was like, “Yeah that’s true”.

But ma’am, I was still sitting there with this look on my face like, “what just happened in the church house”? Reading my face he asked, (because anyone can read when I’m disturbed), “Why that bother you so much”? I was like, “Because I’m tryna understand why everybody was so excited when they don’t even know what happened”. He said, “Well they know God brought me outta something”. 😆Yes I’m lmao about it now but girl, when I tell you I was dumbfounded, confuzzled and discombobulated all in one, I was that and more. Now this is not to make fun of the church and how any testimony service is done. I want to make that plain. But it became clear to me (over the years that is) that just as I did in our marriage, others in his life did as well. We all praised him for the bare minimum.

So just like his testimony from the past and this recent birthday post admitting to “the disease of inconsistency” for the past 35 years (meaning he went back to before we met and I will give him that), once again, unless you know what’s really going on, you don’t know what that post is about. And he will get people applauding that he shared that, when I’m looking like... “But where is your true introspection? Your transparency? And most of all, where is your solution to your inconsistency? Especially when the amount you sent for your children last week was short with a nice icing of extremely on top. As in extremely short, as in slightly above half of the agreed upon amount. So what’s changed about the inconsistency you admitted to? You said you changed but…

Didn’t I tell you I know him well? And to use this as an example, I will tell you how you can change inconsistency as I know what it’s like to be inconsistent. I have been that in my business, writing and posts the last 3 years until recently. So let me tell you a real way to end inconsistency sharing only 3 steps that I’ve actually applied.

First, Apologize and ***Make Amends***

- Own your misses with a sincere apology and offer something of value to compensate. When I miss going live, I apologize but then make amends by going live twice or staying on for longer the next time I go. When I missed getting your book on time, I apologize and gave you something to compensate for my misses. I’m not saying I’m perfect in this, what I am saying is me and anyone else who’s been inconsistent and made up for it, we do our best to stay on our shit to make sure we don’t continue to miss it but instead make it right so that the transformation actually sticks. Apologizing is fine, but it’s the make amends part that too many seem to forget. So I’m asking The Estranged, where are the amends? Not holding my breath because I know you but I am jus asking.

Two, Establish a Routine

- Schedule dedicated writing times each week to help you stay focused. When do you receive a newsletter from me? Every Sunday. Even if something delays me, I get it to you most times by 4 but on Sunday for sure. Some Wednesdays but Sunday is the promised day. I have a routine for that and if you know me, I was never one for routines because they were boring to me. But, in order to KEEP MY WORD to you, I keep a routine to SHOW I am being consistent in getting my LOEV Letter to you and you can expect it and count on me to do so. This is from my heart so change is inevitable from inconsistency to consistency in reaching you when the heart gets involved with a routine and accountability. Which leads me to…

Three, Seek Accountability

- One of the biggest thorns in our marriage has been the lack of accountability on his end yet I stayed being held accountable. Why tho? I’m going to make a general statement but it is backed by some evidence. Men tend to struggle with accountability more than women. There I said it. And also, the divorce rate shows this. When reading my estranged husbands birthday post, where did he say he’s now reaching out for help with his inconsistency? Where did he say he sought mentors? Nowhere, because only TMH can deal with him directly and no one else. Isn’t that how it goes? Men hear directly from God so they don’t need mentors or accountability partners or therapist but we women must have all those. 👀 Recently I ran into a Nigerian pastor as I was going into the library to work and we eventually got to talking as he could feel something divine in our connection as did I. He then began to counsel me on my estranged marriage but I noticed even in this divine connection, he did something most pastors have done when The Estranged and I would go to pastors for marital counseling. He asked, “Why didn’t YOU tell him to get a mentor”? I answered him that I did but I was also immediately aware that I had gotten this question many times before from both men and women in leadership in the church. I’m used to this no matter the culture and I know how to talk and take the meat while leaving any bones, so I could still listen to his words without dismissing him. He then shared some things he felt I should do, I said to myself I’m not doing any of that but I did say to him, “The Most High has told me to get out of the way and that is what I’m doing“. To that he had to stand down. But because I am in a vulnerable state, the tears came when he began to play worship and praise music he created and it was clear this was a connection I was supposed to have as the song ministered to me greatly. He spoke into my spirit and then I departed for home never getting any work done but the point? Even in that moment I listened to be held accountable in spite of him doing what most pastors have done when it comes to my marriage…put it on me. Know that I took responsibility for me but I did not take responsibility for a man who can should do the same. Within the next two days of meeting this man of God, the empty fridge where we had been staying was filled to capacity. I honestly didn’t know how we would get food but I knew we would and that’s what I stuck to. My children were happily overwhelmed that we had to bag up some of the groceries and give it away as we had an overflow of groceries.

My Children’s father was extremely short with the agreed upon money he was supposed to send this past week and no one held him accountable because who knows but me unless I share, right? I tried to hold him accountable on that but when there was no response from him on that, I simply turned it over to The Most High and believed God provides. And wouldn’t you know it? A man of the faith from a different culture, (a culture that has actually had my back over the years in spite our many disagreements lol) stops me while going into the library and our divine connection brought not only a word for me but food for my children. And do NOT miss what’s being said here. Do not focus only on what The Most High did thru a man of God, but ALSO focus on what being accountable does. One thing this man said to me that I’ll never forget, (and I know it was The Spirit), he said, “Your husband knows the person of God, but he does not know the principles of God for if He did, you and your children would never be homeless and in need. The person of God will have a man pray but the principles of God will have a man work and operate consistently in the prosperity that is available to all men and behoof him to take care of his family no matter what”. The tears welled up so hard in my eyes and I kept telling myself “do not cry. But once he played the praise song he created I heard the voice saying, “It’s time to let go”. I did and cried the longest cry I’ve cried in some time. What the pastor said to me is something that could should be said directly to my estranged husband. I can take not only rebuke and accountability but harsh rebuke and accountability. Why can’t he? Oh, right…no mentors. Just him and Jesus in the passenger seat of his work van. BTW, the pastor has mentors…now that was news to hear.

There are actually more steps but these are my 3 main go to’s in staying consistent with sending my LOEV Letter to you and staying in contact with you. And I want you to understand that this is not to put down his birthday post or even put him down. It’s to show you that when a man changes for the better, they’ll be no post. They’ll be action with results. If you remember nothing else about what I’ve written, please remember this. We take steps when we tire of having the same ole tired results. We do the work, we apologize, we make amends, we do things differently than before, we get the help we need and we become accountable. The lady who took me and my children in was a former client turned friend. When I was staying with her, she was mentoring me but also holding me accountable especially for covering for The Estranged and not being truthful with our Children. I was not too proud to have once been the teacher and now be the student. No matter my accolades, titles or accomplishments, all that mattered was I recognized the season I was in and remembered that the type of harvest I received from her during such a time as this, was a direct result of the seed I had planted in her years before. I am and can be accountable because I desire true growth in every area of my life so I can be better. This is what is necessary for people to change for the better…the desire to grow for self improvement, not to show the world or prove something to people. But for yourself. And that is the biggest thing missing from his post. He mentioned me and our children in what he may lose if He doesn’t change. He said that’s what TMH revealed to him. But TMH I know looks for self improvement because of who you are and who’s you are not according to who you are to others. Just my 25 scents.

So as I wish my estranged husband a happy birthday, I also call him out about the results of his “inconsistency to consistency” birthday post…because at this point, that’s all it is…jus a post. I actually feel his post is disingenuous which I admit, frustrated me to see since my children and I are still facing the consequences of his actions. His talk of his new personal journey and so called transformation are very self-centered to me because he has yet to take any consistent concrete actions to support his family in the right now. So his words feel hollow as they aren’t consistently being matched with responsible actions on his part. And what have I always said? “Words must match actions. When they don’t, go by their actions”. It’s funny how the words I wrote to minister to you and uplift you are the same words that’s ministering to me and reminding me not to go back as nothing’s changed with him. Whereas he expressed gratitude for his so called “new beginnings”, the reality is he’s still on the streets and our children and I are still facing significant hardships from his doing even tho we have been supported tremendously via others. Yet, he’s focusing on his “personal growth” but is once again neglecting his word in sending what we agreed to which affects the immediate needs of our children. Not one time in his “confession” on his inconsistency did he mention anything about homelessness or lack of food or financial instability. And this omission in his “confession” feels like a birthday slap in the face and a dismissal of the urgent realities of our situation. It’s like he’s in lala land. Maybe that’s how it feels when you don’t have to wake up and look your own seeds in the face each day. So to me…these are just empty words. And if anyone knows words, it’s me as I use and write them frequently and his words in this post try to convey a level of “self-awareness”, but to me, it comes off as performative at best as it lacks the context of our current struggles. So yes, happy birthday to him…at the same time, I’m a lil frustrated with his post of realizations he decided to share with the world without sharing/showing any corresponding actions to improve the situation for our children. But you know…happy birthday anyhow. 😮‍💨 Moving on…

Thank you for hanging in there with me and please know I am still in the works of getting the group together for you. So I’ll be introducing that to you in a matter of 1-2 weeks, so be on the look out for that info. Promise. Also I have started doing my lives on Sundays right around/before/after I send your LOEV Letter to you. So make sure you’re following me on my secret Facebook page (not really secret but IYKYK lol) to catch me live on Sundays. I’ll see you over there later.

Always Much Love,

~ OEV 💋 

PS Don’t forget to click on the song I shared above. I tell you it blessed me so much, let it bless you too. 🤗