Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #6 I realize I'm the fixer (rescuer) in my marriage. How Do I Stop Without Feeling Guilty?

"Hi OEV, I just read your newsletter on co-dependency, and it hit home for me. I’ve realized I’ve been the ‘fixer’ (rescuer) in my marriage for years. How do I start get out of this role without causing tension or feeling guilty, especially when my husband is so used to me stepping in to solve everything?"

Context

I’ve been married for 10 years, and over time, I’ve fallen into the role of fixing everything from financial issues, household tasks, and especially emotional support. My husband often comes home and unloads all his stress from work, family, or life in general onto me. He’ll vent for hours about how hard things are or what’s not going right, and I try to listen and offer solutions, but it’s exhausting. The worst part is, he rarely asks how I’m feeling or checks in on me emotionally. It’s like my needs aren’t even part of the equation. I don’t think he realizes how much this dynamic has taken a toll on me. I’m emotionally drained all the time. It feels like I’m carrying the weight of both our emotions, plus the weight of our family responsibilities. I manage the household, handle the kids’ schedules, and even help with his career decisions. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like I don’t have anything left for myself. I know he isn’t doing this on purpose. He’s just used to me being the strong one, the problem solver. But I’m starting to feel resentment building up, and I don’t want that to damage our marriage. The problem is, when I think about stepping back or setting boundaries, I feel so guilty. I worry that if I stop being the ‘rescuer’ he’ll feel unsupported, and it will cause conflict between us. How do I start shifting out of this role without making him feel like I’m abandoning him or creating more tension in our marriage?

Hey Love,

Thank you for sharing your heart with me. I can tell how much you care about your marriage and your husband, and that speaks volumes about the kind of woman you are. This is not just close to home for me but at home for me, so let me start by saying this: you cannot pour from an empty cup. What you’re describing…taking on the role of fixer (the rescuer), being the emotional dumping ground, and the family problem solver, is something I know all too well because I’ve lived it but this is not it for you and any woman for that matter.

In my own marriage, I was the rescuer. I carried the emotional weight of my household, solved problems that weren’t mine to solve, and tried to be everything to everyone, including my husband. At first, I thought I was doing the “right” thing by holding it all together. But over time, I realized this dynamic was draining me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I too struggled with the thought of “without making him feel,” but you have to let go of this mindset. These four words will eat you alive and keep you bound. Let me ask you, when he emotionally dumps on you (as you said), even if he’s unaware or doesn’t mean to, is he doing so “without making you feel..”? Did you not say, “…he rarely asks how I’m feeling or checks in on me emotionally”? I want you to understand this is what rescuers do; they avoid emotionally dumping on others because “…they don’t want to make them feel” but, they allow others to dump on them. And those who dump on them rarely, if ever, consider, “I don’t want to make them feel”.

I will be sharing more on this on Sunday but let me tell you, dependents are so dependent they will dump on you even when they know you’re struggling and at your worse. And it’s not inherently that they don’t care, they’re just not emotionally mature enough to read the room. I will share deeply on this soon. But let me get your question answered.

1. Recognize the Co-Dependent Patterns

What you’re experiencing is a classic co-dependent pattern: over-functioning while your husband under-functions. You’ve become the go-to problem solver, taking on emotional and practical responsibilities that aren’t fully yours to bear.

Here’s the hard truth I had to face: when you constantly step in to fix and rescue, you’re not helping your husband grow. You’re enabling his dependency. And while your intentions are pure, the result is that you’re left emotionally drained while he stays in his comfort zone. And this is where resentment will subtly start to creep in.

Recognizing this pattern is the first step toward change, and I’d love to help you explore how to shift this in a way that feels natural and empowering.

2. Recognize Being a Rescuer/Fixer is an Illusion of Control

Rescuers often believe they need to manage situations, emotions, or outcomes to maintain balance or avoid conflict. They may feel responsible for solving others' problems, keeping the peace, or ensuring everyone is happy (all me). This stems from the idea that if they don’t step in, things will fall apart or people will suffer, leading to guilt or anxiety.

Control is often a symptom of the rescuer’s lack of trust. I want you to understand, somewhere you don’t trust your husband enough to do some things so you feel you must do them in order for things to work or go smoothly. Once you recognize this about yourself, you will begin to see why you need to fall back in several areas.

3. Release the Guilt

Guilt is one of the biggest hurdles when stepping back from the “fixer” role. You might worry, If I don’t do it, who will? But let me remind you of something important: prioritizing your own emotional and mental health isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.

Stepping back doesn’t mean you’re abandoning your husband. It means you’re allowing him the space to step up and take responsibility, which is ultimately better for both of you. Letting go of guilt can be a process. It’s definitely one I’ve had to work through in order to get to the freedom I have in this today.

4. Stop Over-Functioning

When your husband begins emotionally dumping, resist the urge to jump in and solve everything for him. Instead, gently redirect the conversation. You might say something like:

"I hear you, and I know that must be stressful. What do you think you could do to handle it?"

This shifts the responsibility back to him, where it belongs, and shows that you trust him to work through his own challenges. Even tho I was separated when I started doing this, I do love that when I did, my husband understood that if he wanted that situation dealt with, it was gon’ have to be him to do it. If redirecting feels difficult, don’t worry, keep reading my newsletter during the series on co-dependency as I share more and also, if you ever want to work on this one-on-one, make your appointment for a session here.

5. Set Boundaries with Love

Boundaries aren’t about shutting someone out; they’re about creating healthier dynamics. For example, you could say:

"I’ve been feeling really emotionally drained lately, and I realize it’s because I’ve been taking on more than I can handle. I love you and want to be here for you, but I need us to work together to create more balance in our marriage”. This approach communicates your needs lovingly while inviting collaboration.

6. Focus on Your Own Healing

The most powerful lesson I learned in my journey was that I couldn’t change anyone but myself. When I stopped rescuing and started focusing on my own growth, everything shifted. I began prioritizing my peace, setting boundaries, and letting go of the need to control every outcome. I’m also having to make sure I’m aware of all of this in the parental relationship with my children. Because often we just move this rescuer identity from one relationship dynamic to another. So getting this together in your marriage is helpful in getting in together in any of your relational dynamics.

Make time for yourself, whether through therapy, journaling, or simply carving out moments of stillness, to focus on you. When you invest in your own healing, you’re better equipped to navigate your marriage from a place of strength and clarity.

Final Thoughts

You’re not abandoning your husband by stepping back; you’re giving him the opportunity to step up. And you’re giving yourself the space to recharge and show up as the best version of yourself.

Remember, love isn’t about doing everything for someone; it’s about walking alongside them as equals. You deserve a marriage where you feel supported, valued, and at peace…not drained.

I hope this answers you and helps you as well. But if you feel you need to dive deeper into these shifts and create a healthier dynamic, I’d love to work with you in helping you to create that. Hit me up for a Help Me in ‘Ships n Sex Life 1-on-1 session today and let’s map out a plan that empowers you and brings balance to your relationship. Book your session here.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

P.S. Want your question answered during Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV? Don’t hesitate to ask! Make sure to include any background info and context to help me better understand your situation; this allows me to answer effectively and give you the insight you need. A huge thank you to all my previous question askers; you’ve done an amazing job of including thoughtful context that makes these Q&A sessions so rich and engaging. I can’t wait to hear from you! Send your questions my way today! ~ OEV