Loneliness, Horniness and Healing: Surviving the Holidays

Hey Beautiful!

The holidays can bring up all kinds of emotions, can’t they? Yasss Lordt! And Thanksgiving can be especially heavy for me. A year ago, we were all sitting around the same table in our home, sharing food, laughter, and love…enjoying one another to the full even tho I was still feeling some grief. Today, that house is gone, just like the marriage we built within it while some grief still remains on top of more grief actually. And while I’ve made peace with the separation, there’s something about this time of year that makes it all feel fresh again.  

I feel the weight of loss deeply…loss of the life we had, the traditions we shared, and the absence of the presence of my parents, especially my mom, who used to make this season special. Grief doesn’t come in neat packages with a lovely bow on top and the holidays seem to unravel it in ways that can feel overwhelming.  

Then…there’s him. Seeing him show up for our children during this season hits differently. He’s always been a good father so I’m not surprised as he’d always do things with them and and take them out to places like the movies, parks etc. But now, seeing him in my space, in this new dynamic, I feel things I thought were buried beneath the hurt and anger that led up to our separation.  

The truth is, there’s still attraction there. The way he can still make me laugh especially when I’m not expecting it, his voice that lured me in when we first met over the phone, the way our children hover around him when he comes through, all stirs something in me that I’ve worked hard to suppress. It’s confusing because even tho I know why we’re not together, my body doesn’t always get the memo and betrays me. There’s a pull, a longing, even a physical ache at times, and I’ve had to sit with the tension of missing what was, knowing full well it’s not what is.  

And that’s the thing about separation (or even divorce) during the holidays…it’s not just about what’s lost. It’s about what lingers. The memories. The attraction. The unresolved feelings. It’s about seeing him take the children out and remembering the times he did the same when we were all under the same roof. It’s about feeling grateful that he’s finally showing up financially, but still holding onto the boundaries I’ve set because consistency manifested takes time to see.  

One of the hardest part of this is sitting with the loneliness. I’m not used to staying in a home with children without a man. In fact, in my life, I was one who never created a life where I had to. In fact, the other night as I was walking alone down the hall of the building I was in, I saw a creature dash slowly from a beam to crawl out amongst us and I almost lost my damn mind. I didn’t know what to do as this was something my sons or my husband would take care of. But since the children were with him, I panicked like…how will I get passed this? It’s funny when I think about it now but at the time, since this is a phobia, I was tryna run in directions that were nonexistent. And just like that…a man appears from a connecting hallway and was headed in the same direction as I. And being the unapologetic woman that I am, I pointed while I screamed, “Sir, please can you walk with me? I’m tryna get to the lobby and issa bug”! Not only did I love his response of, “Hell yeah, you can walk with me anywhere”😆but he made sure to shield me from the bug as we walked ahead. When it came time to cross by the bug, I screamed, he shielded, then we made it! Chile I was beyond happy, I was relieved. I thanked him profusely and his parting words were, “Hey you more than welcome. Anytime you need shielding again, my apartment # is ###”. I laughed nervously and quickly walked away as I was actually on my way to let my children in the building who were just getting back with their Dad. And you know what I did immediately…told my oldest son but loud enough so his Dad could hear. I know Chile, I’m tryna stay hinged in every way over here, ok?

And of course both of them being the protective male species they are, went out in front of me and my second born who I walked closely with, to go do what “the shielder” was not gon do…kill the threat. And kill the threat they did. Not only did they kill it but they discarded the body…what remained of it and by the time I got to where it was last seen alive, there was no evidence that there had ever been any life of its kind there. And after calming down, I felt safe. And as my heart beats returned to normal, that feeling crept right back in. You know the feeling…

It often creeps in when the children are asleep, when the place is mostly quiet, when I’m alone working and the children are with him like they were that night, sometimes when everyone’s around and I’m happiest but realizing the new normal will return soon or when the memories come rushing back. Loneliness. And it’s tempting to soften, to let him back in emotionally or even physically, just to feel connected and “unlonely” again. But I know that’s not the answer right now as I know me.

The last time we reconciled our marriage (around late September 2023 where we were living cordially as a family, fairly happy despite some issues and without sex before then), we went ham in the sex department. There wasn’t a newlywed in the country that had anything on us as we were THE newlyweds. We were putting out children left and right, turning up smart TVs to cover sounds and dating all over again but like we never had before. It was, as my forever favorite The Great Aaliyah said, “Hot Like Fire”.🔥 

But because the main issues were not getting resolved and our financial situation wasn’t changing no matter how many plans I showed him, that reconciliation only lasted so long before we were right back where we started or never left. And I’m one who’s often said “In marriage, sex can heal almost anything” and I still stand on that. But I’m telling you, it cannot heal everything. Because it was never meant to heal everything. It’s what woke up Zora in the movie Disappearing Acts and Yvette in Baby Boy. (You know I love using movies, sports and music to prove my points 😄)  

Franklin could sex Zora down and she would go back to being docile and letting issues linger. Jody could bring the D respectfully and Yvette would go right back to allowing him to disrespect her. But eventually those ladies woke up and finally came to the realization that no matter how good the sex is, it cannot heal or fix everything. Dickmatization is real even in marriage. And this is why I said earlier I know me. I know this is a boundary I’ve allowed to be broken before and during marriage, even when I originally held on strong to it. And to be honest, it really just made things worse as after all that newlywed sex that did come with new discoveries and new tips and tricks I had given others that I was finally applying with us, so much was lost afterwards that I still haven’t fully recovered from. This is why separating and not being in the same home is best for someone like me. Because setting boundaries is meaningless if you don’t enforce them. Sometimes, enforcing boundaries means ensuring someone isn’t physically within your space.

So with that being said, I want to share with you;

3 Ways to Keep Boundaries During the Holiday Seasons when them Feelings Hit

1. Feel Your Feelings Without Judgment

   Grief, sadness, anger, loneliness; none of these feelings are wrong. They’re part of the process. So allow yourself to feel them but without rushing to fix or suppress them. Journal, cry, scream or pray through them. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step to healing. This has been facts for me. I go ahead and feel everything. I actually cried during one of the outings my children went on with their father. It would seem I should have just been enjoying the break right? While I did keep busy, I cried big fat raindrop tears because I missed doing those things together as a family unit. And also just being real…I felt left out. I tried to keep busy to dismiss those feelings but my feelings said, “We’re right here, right now. Feel us”. And feel my feelings I did. I cried that they were out having fun and I really wanted to go too. I cried because I wanted the family I helped in creating but I also knew he needed that time with them and I needed that time without them but also…this is my new normal. Because tho I want my family, it’s still just a dream if we all don’t play the necessary roles in order for us to all have peace. I just can’t go back to the part of what was that didn’t serve me or this family. So my feelings are valid as you can’t just erase 18 years of family being together in a few months. I was grieving what had been. I was grieving what I miss. I was grieving what no longer currently is.

2. Focus on the Present Moment

   It’s easy to get caught up in the “what was”, “what could have been, the “I wish’s” and the “if onlys”, but grounding yourself in the present can bring so much peace. Practice gratitude for the moments you’re creating now, even if they look different from last year. Trust me on this. Even when I feel left out of the family unit, I still find ways to be grateful for things like, my children having an involved father. I can’t imagine having to explain to each of my children why their father won’t come see them or keep standing them up like I’ve heard other moms have to do. Even when I’m sad, I grateful that he and I are cordial and co-parenting really well thus far. I focus on what is but in a way of a win in that The Most High is tearing some things down and I just have to let that happen because He loves me just that much.

3. Lean on Your Support System 

   Reach out to friends, family, or a trusted mentor or even your therapist or life coach.  Share your feelings and let others hold space for you. Sometimes, simply talking it out can lighten the load. A 📍 in a previous LOEV Letter I said I would share on it as it pertains to adding and adjusting my support system is I’ve made new friends from support groups in my area. Yes, I was really starting to feel very alone in this journey because I felt there was really no one who could fully relate to what I was actually going through. In these support groups, several of the women I connected with have been married as long as me or longer, had as many children as me or more, had children under 18 like I do and had been either financially abused or were fighting over money as I had experienced. One or two of them were also going thru separation/divorce after having lost their own parents as well. So this has been very helpful for me not only making new friends who can relate overall but also surrounding myself with those who truly relate to the experience I’m currently having. But also talking more to those who have made it passed what I’m going thru as well. This has been a game changer for me, especially for my mental health during the holidays.

But let’s go deeper…boundaries aren’t just emotional during this season. The physical attraction I feel when he’s around doesn’t just go away because I want it to. So let me also share how I’m navigating that part of the equation too as I share;

3 Ways to Keep Sexual Boundaries This Holiday Season 

1. Recognize the Trigger  

   Attraction is normal, especially when you’ve shared a history and physical connection. Acknowledge it for what it is…a momentary feeling, not a reason to act. Just because the attraction is there doesn’t mean it’s a signal to lower your guard. One thing about me is I am real with me. I’m like, “Girl you know you want ________ and you know you feel ___________ so what we gon’ do with all this ____________ energy here? I teach women all the time, especially single women, that our bodies talk to us…yes our vaginas too, but what we not gon’ do or continue to do is ignore them/her. Talk to me, I talk back honey. And we gon’ be as real as real can get on how we feelin too.

2. Redirect the Energy 

   When the pull feels strong, channel that energy into something that nourishes your body and soul. I know what you may be thinking here but stay with me. Stay focused. 😆 I know that can definitely nourish our bodies and souls too. Remember, we talking here. But I also know the aftermath of broken boundaries. So when I’m talking to my body who may be screamin’ and my vagina who may be cryin’ 👀 , I remind them of the aftermath I do not want to deal with when there hasn’t been enough evidence to let this boundary go. So I may need to channel that energy in going for a (long ass) walk, take a long bath (well not for me. I gotta stick to showers on this one), or dive into a creative projects or go to my support groups or do give in, but give into you and not him. 🌹 👀 Just remember…your body deserves love, care and sexual fulfillment but on your terms. If you remember nothing else, remember the words “your terms” as this is powerful. It’s the one thing that can keep me/you sane when things get loud. My terms are what my boundaries are founded upon. They are my reasons to why I am happily separated in the first place. And I have seen, not only with myself (last year) and some other wives I’ve counseled on separation, how in the past we folded when the horniness and loneliness hit and ended up with more children and/or with the same husband doing the same shit we been tired of. And tho we ended up still married and it looks/looked so successful because of longevity sake, none of us got what we wanted and truly needed from the separation. We folded too soon behind the D. Trust me, when I think back to April and this Summer, all the moving around we did and how I’ve worked hard in every way to get to this peace I have now, there’s no amount of sex in the world worth destroying that, no matter how much I wanna sit and spin. I will redirect without a second thought when I’m reminded of how far I’ve come and what I’m not going back to. 🙌 

3. Hold Onto Your Why  

   This is our foundation as I spoke on above. Remember why you set these boundaries in the first place. Remind yourself of the life you’re building and the peace you’re protecting. Temporary comfort isn’t worth sacrificing the progress you’ve made. And yes, there are exceptions to the rule. There could be a great night of amazing sex and a good talk and voila’…everything’s changed and all good. But just know, patterns don’t go away easily as they’ve been set for years nor do patterns go away without a paradigm shift and a renewing of the mind. Have you seen that yet? Because one thing about a pattern, they are easy to see with time. I have my awareness glasses on and I’m looking because one thing I’m not doing is going back to where I left from. 🙏 

This holiday season, I’m holding onto my boundaries as an act of love, for myself, my children, and the future I’m creating. I’m choosing to honor my feelings without letting them dictate my actions. I’m not tryna pray these feelings away…they are real. I’m just choosing to stay present in this moment with my feelings, even when the past feels like it’s tugging at my sleeve. I know it’s not always easy, but it is always worth it.

If you’re navigating this season while co-parenting, separated, or divorced, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel the grief, the longing, even the temptation. What matters is how you respond to those feelings. Boundaries aren’t about punishment…they’re about protection. They’re about honoring the work you’ve done to heal and refusing to trade your peace for temporary comfort.  

This season, may we find the strength to hold to our boundaries and the courage to keep showing up for ourselves.  

Always Much Love (and strength Chile) #staystrong

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS Feeling blessed by this Letter? Then you can bless me back right here.