More Than Girlfriends: 7 Secrets to Building a Support System that Shows Up for You When You're at Your Worst

Hey Lady.

I’m excited about my LOEV Letter to you today as I’m sharing more on the pin 📍 I stuck on #10 of my previous letter to you entitled “20 Things I’ve Learned in 20 Years of Marriage” (which you can read here if you missed it), which was Friendships with the opposite sex is just as important as friendships of the same sex.

In that 📍I said, “If I had never gotten up off these bogus religious teachings of “no opposite sex friendships when you married” BS, I would have missed out on being fully supported during these current difficult times as these ‘Ships were cultivated at different times during the marriage and have been truly instrumental during this time of hardship (stick a 📍 here as I’m going to share more on this soon). And that’s what I’m sharing today and also answering the questions I’ve been receiving on how we living out here. 😊 

An important lesson I’ve learned in marriage amongst many—and now while separated—is this: a strong, diverse support system is essential, especially during life’s most difficult moments. But here’s the caveat; it’s not just about surrounding yourself with people of the same sex or religious beliefs. In fact, having true friendships with both men and women has been pivotal for me, particularly during this season of my life.

As I shared previously, at one point both my estranged husband and I were heavily influenced by religious teachings that discouraged friendships with the opposite sex for fear they might lead to inappropriate situations. But now, after navigating many storms—both financial and personal—I see how limiting that mindset can be. To be fully supported, you need a balanced circle, one that includes both men and women. Friendships that are grounded in respect and mutual support are invaluable, regardless of gender.

Let me be honest: if I had clung to that misguided belief that opposite-sex friendships shouldn’t be allowed in marriage, I would’ve missed out on some of the most instrumental support I’ve received during my hardest times. These friendships were cultivated over time, and they’ve shown me that the love and care from both men and women can be life-changing especially when you're going through challenges. One of the things I’ve always been interested in was real estate. Buying properties, fixing them up where need be and renting them out. In fact, right before my Mom took a turn for the worse, she and I were in the process of getting my children’s family home rented out after getting several repairs done in the home. We never got the chance to complete that project but, after she passed, I began to meet people who were doing similar but without fixing anything up. They were actually renting and/or buying places that were already in good condition and putting them on Airbnb. I was immediately intrigued with this. I inquired and learned so much on how this works not even knowing it would be to my benefit later at a point in time I was in need. One of these friends in my support system was doing just that. And in exchange for his knowledge in this, I would counsel him when he reached out about his own relationships, something I normally charge for. Before returning to Texas, I already knew I wouldn’t have a permanent home to come back to after everything that happened, which is why I had to leave in the first place. So, I made up my mind to get in my bag and find a temporary place for me and my children until I could get us a place of our own. What did I do? The same thing I did before leaving Texas…reach out to my support system. And in doing so, I was able to secure a temporary place for us.

I remember when I sent out that SOS text after my children and I were displaced in early July and the responses were overwhelmingly amazing. I didn’t know exactly what was going to happen but I knew those I reached out to would come through. 

And in sharing that I want to give you ways that can help you either build your support system from scratch or adjust the one you already have to make it stronger. And I’m not talking about just any kind of support system, but the kind that truly strengthens and sustains you. Know that it may take intentional effort, but trust me when I say it’s more than worth it. So here are 7 ways (that I’ve used myself) to help you create a balanced and powerful circle:

1 Identify Mentors. Look for those who are where you want to be—spiritually, emotionally, or even financially. They can provide wisdom, insight, and guidance from a place of experience and this is key for me. One of my mentors has been my mentor for over 14 years now. I connected with her while going on year 6 of my marriage after having just reconciled with my now estranged husband. And can you believe I have never met her in person? Yet we’ve had calls for hours at times during our 14 years connected. I love her like my own blood as she has been instrumental in not only helping me speak up even more in my marriage but also catching those late night calls from me where I thought I was gon erupt like a hurricane in anger because of how I felt towards something my estranged husband did. These are the type of people you must have in your support system. If they can’t talk you off a ledge, baby level up and get you at least one who can as well as those who can pray the storm out of you before you bring destruction in your household because she is definitely that for me. And remember, not all mentors have to share your religious beliefs, but if faith is important to you, mentors who share that value will help keep you grounded.

2 Mentor Others. It’s just as important to pour into others as it is for others to pour into you. Find someone who can benefit from your experience, your wisdom, and your love. Being a mentor allows you to give back and strengthen your community. I have ladies who supported me during this time who I’ve freely given relationship and sex/sexuality advice to often, simply because they have access to me. What my mentors are to me, I am to them and there’s no holding back in these support systems either. You need that as a support system isn’t just where you’re supported, but it’s also where you support others as well. I don’t do unrequited love, boo. Ima reciprocal kinda girl. 😊 

3 Build Peer Relationships. Seek out peers who are walking a similar path. These are the ones you can call on when you need to vent, share your wins, or lean on in times of weakness. And don’t shy away from including both men and women in this circle—you’d be surprised how the support from the opposite sex can add a different, yet needed perspective. My men friends in my support system show up just as strong as my women friends, they just show up differently. Though I am closer to my ladies, the men and I have a bond that they can call me out too and help me see a perspective from a man’s point of view. During this recent time of hardships, I’ve had several men in my support system who, when I’m sharing my side, show my estranged husband so much grace (which I didn’t always like) without dismissing my feelings in the matter. It’s one thing to have men who give their male POV while dismissing my issues but it’s a whole other thing when you have men give me their male POV while being empathetic towards me and my feelings. In fact, this is what has been missing in the marital counsel we would receive before. Grace for one mate but not enough empathy for the other mate. This is where finding men and women of your peer is essential as you’ll find many of them have experienced a lot of what you’re going through but from different perspectives.

4 Choose Your Cheerleaders. Everyone needs people who celebrate their wins. These are the friends who will shout your name from the rooftops when you achieve something, no matter how big or small. They may not have advice for your situation which is fine, but they will cheer you on in every way. I got some people in my circle who know what’s going on and show me mad empathy and sympathy when I’m down but are right there to party up with me when I start winning again no matter how big or small the win is. Just this weekend friends came into town just because and celebrated where I was today and are some of the people who was right there showing empathy, sympathy and love when I was just starting this current journey.

They were also there when both of my parents passed and to travel with me to get things off my mind. This is instrumental in support. So surround yourself with those who genuinely want to see you succeed and are there for it all.

5 Find Those Who Offer Strength. Life will throw you moments when your strength falters, and in those times, you need people who can lift you up. Whether it’s through prayer, a word of encouragement, or simply being there, having those who can carry you when you’re weak is crucial. I remember shortly after I first arrived in Florida, I arrived on the day a close friend in my support system was leaving. We talked and she said, I’ll be back soon to check on you. And girl literally a week later she flew back and took me out to dinner in an area that was between us both. She had been through her own shit and was now able to speak to me from a place of strength and Lord did she give it to me that day. We had a good time, I teared up some throughout the conversation and we hugged like long lost sisters when it was time to leave.

She hopped back on the plane to go back home and I was left with encouragement for the challenging days to come. You do not want to go through the worst by yourself. You do not want to be weak alone when you can have those who can be strong when you’re not. When the Bible says in 2nd Corinthians 12:10, “When I am weak, THEN I am strong…” it shows God's strength is more evident when we are weak. And how do you think the evidence of this is displayed? One way is via people. I have seen this clearly through my life, especially the last three years where hardship has been seemingly on constant display in my life. So find those who offer strength. They’ve already been through weakness, so they can offer you strength when you’re weak.

6 Create and Stick to Boundaries. Please don’t think I’m only saying to have boundaries only because I’m encouraging you to have the opposite sex in your support system. No. Boundaries are something you should have in just about everything even in friendships, kinships, acquaintanceship and connections with the same sex. For example, I am extremely vulnerable right now and I take my vulnerability seriously. And we know that vulnerability means being open and honest about your feelings, weaknesses, and fears, even when it feels uncomfortable or risky. It means allowing yourself to be seen for who you truly are, without hiding behind walls or pretending to be perfect. And tho being vulnerable can make you feel exposed or uncertain, vulnerability helps create deeper connections with others and leads to personal growth. My point in sharing that while I’m in this vulnerable state is, I have to have boundaries so that I’m not taken advantage of by anyone even if it’s unintentional. And as I say in the Your Boundaries section of my book, 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex, “…boundaries are what you set for yourself; rules are what others set for you. …boundaries are…guidelines and limits that you set for you…” And the 5 ways you should set boundaries that I talk about in this book are time boundaries, emotional boundaries, physical boundaries, intellectual boundaries as well as sexual boundaries. There are others but these are types of boundaries that are most related to relationships. And tho in building your support system you are building it with people you trust, we’re all human and can overstep boundaries sometimes. Another example, I have a few security guards in my support system right now who watch out for my children when they walk around certain areas. They do a great job at this and I really appreciate them for it. But I also know some of them like me more than just as an acquaintance and want something more. But my boundary is set that it can’t be anything more than just acquaintanceship/friendship because I don’t have the capacity for anything more with them. In order to remain in my support system, you have to respect my boundaries. I have another friend in my support system who loves to share her problems with me and that’s fine but right now, my boundary is set that I can only listen to so much because of my own life right now. She is known to go on and on and on which was fine before my life changed but now, my (time) boundary only has the capacity for low involvement in her life (especially without pay) as my time is limited. So even with people you love, respect and care for, no matter their sex, having personal boundaries is necessary so that you’re not overwhelmed in a system that’s supposed to be for your support.

7 Choose Some or All Faith-Based Friendships. While your support system doesn’t all have to come from people who share your religious beliefs, if you are a woman of faith, having peers and mentors who also walk in faith can help you stay aligned with your values. No matter their gender, faith-based friendships will often offer spiritual strength and guidance that can anchor you through life’s storms.

Remember, support comes in many forms, and the people who stand with you don’t always look like you or share every belief you hold. But if you open yourself up to a diverse circle of strong, faithful, and supportive individuals—both men and women—you’ll find the strength you need to navigate any challenge.

So I gave you an update on my current living arrangements while also sharing some tips on how to build a support system or adjust your current one. I’ll be going live today to talk a little more on this and about how you can soon join my new private monthly pay group entitled “Be A.W.O.L. where as Your Favorite Sexologist and Relationship Strategist, I’ll be helping you "AWOL" your life with emphasis on love, leisure and pleasure while staying true to your faith. I’ll be inviting you to join me in this exclusive space created for women of faith just like you—women who are ready to AWOL their lives. Whether you are married, engaged, divorced, single, or separated like me, this group will be your sanctuary. A place to talk freely about love, sex, dating, marriage, and pleasure without fear, shame, or guilt. You will get the official invitation this Wednesday in your inbox but if you join me today on my live here at 8:00p CST/9:00p EST you’ll get an early invite before the official one. And don’t worry about the price, you’ll have choices to be an early bird member for as low as $47/mo. Didn’t I tell you not to worry? Ok then don’t. I got you boo. So see you on the live here.

Always Much Love,

~ OEV 💋