My Heartfelt Thank You for One Helluva Ride!

Hey Love!

As I reflect on this journey we’ve been on together, I want to take a moment to express my gratitude. You could be one of the ones who's been there before this beginning, or one of the ones who’s chosen to stay after hopping on unbeknownst to you what this journey was all about, or even one who’s come this far and might be thinking it’s time to hop off and head to a different destination. No matter which it is for you, I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for being a friend. Traveled down the road and back again. Your heart is true. You’re a pal and a confident. So thank you for riding this wave with me, for opening and reading these LOEV Letters, and for allowing me to share a piece of my world with you. Your presence means more than you may know.

I know the journey hasn’t always been easy for you or for me. I know it wasn’t the easiest to read about the twists and turns of my life, especially as it pertains to my marriage and everything that seemed to blow up around me. You may have felt that I shared too much. You may have wished I’d go back to what was. You may have found it hard to believe that what I was sharing was even happening at all. Or…you may have resonated deeply with my story and felt heartache for what I was going through.

No matter where you stood throughout this, whether you stayed or took your cue to leave, I want to thank you. Thank you for riding with me when you could, for processing so much alongside me, and for trusting me to share my truth with you. You are appreciated more than words can express. And if you ever decide to get out where you deem is your designated stop and we part, just know, I always come back that way again as there’s always room for you to rejoin the ride.

Also, I know you get lots of emails around Black Friday of all the deals so many have going on. And tho I definitely have some of my own amazing deals to offer you soon, I want this LOEV Letter today to show how much I appreciate you more than anything else. So, with all of that being said, in my gratitude, I want to share something I’m bringing back but only to you, my beautiful She’s AWOL subscriber.

Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV: A New Chapter!

Yes! Did you know that Wednesdays used to be Q&A days for me and my estranged husband when we were doing Truly Faithful? Back then, we called it Wednesday’s Q&A with PAV and OEV. While I loved the connection we built with our audience, I often found myself doing almost all of the work to start and keep it going which is why it ended as I was burned completely out.

But now I’m taking Wednesdays back and making them my own with Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV.

On Wednesdays, I’ll answer one to three of your burning questions that you ask me or send me, just like I used to for Truly Faithful. This is a space for us to build community, spark conversations, and explore love, leisure and pleasure along with faith, self-discovery, and everything in between.

I’ll be answering the questions each week, from the most popular to the least. I’d love to hear from you so reply to this email to share the questions you’d like me to tackle.

Some Wednesdays might include video, audio, or even a live session to accompany the Q&A, so stay tuned. I can’t wait to connect with you in this new way. So let’s get started today as a preview of what’s to come with me answering 3 questions.

Q&A: Your Questions, My Answers

1. How do you know when you’ve outgrown a relationship?

Did you know that outgrowing a relationship doesn’t happen overnight? Actually it’s a gradual process filled with a growing sense of disconnection. For me, it became clear when I realized I was constantly compromising my peace and joy to maintain the “status” of being a wife. Once your personal growth and the growth in the marriage feels stifled, when your values you once agreed upon no longer align, and when your relationship begins to feel more like a burden than a blessing, it’s often a clear sign that you’ve outgrown it. Before the failed attempt at reconciliation in 2023, I remember being in a session with my Life Coach at the time in 2022 trying to get to the bottom of what was happening in my marriage. I mean we were digging it out deeper and deeper during that session too. After the atmosphere was set, I said the most profound thing about my marriage and stunned me and the Life Coach. I said, “You know, I’ve taught a lot on the 5 Ways We Attract/Connect Romantically which is Physical/Sexual, Intellectual, Emotional, Spiritual and Financial…and I think over time, he and I have become disconnected in all of them”. I explained to her the 5-Legged Stool that I would always use in my teaching of this and counted down each leg one by one on how if one leg is wobbly, ok the stool will still stand. Maybe not as strong as when 5 were all strong but still stand. Then I went down each leg until the stool fell over in the description. Then I said basically we are no longer aligned financially which affected us spiritually, which then affected us emotionally, which affected us intellectually as we could no longer agree on finances and then of course physically/sexually/physically. Maybe not in that exact order, but if definitely started financially. I ended with my assessment by saying, “And I think we’ve outgrown each other…or maybe…I have outgrown him”. I was so hurt saying that and her response was “Wow. I think you’ve just figured it out”. This was probably the hardest part of everything…acknowledging it because I was so sad to come to this realization. But once you do come to the realization, it opens the door to self-discovery and healing. So for me personally, I knew when I saw our alignment in things we once aligned on, fading and the first feeling that often follows is sadness.

2. What role has forgiveness played in your healing process?

Forgiveness has been one of the most transformative aspects of my journey but please know, I don’t view forgiveness like most. I don’t believe in excusing what happened nor do I believe in forgetting the pain, which in my opinion, is how too many have taught it. I do believe in releasing the hold that resentment and anger have on you. and I do believe in forgiveness being less about the other person and more about freeing yourself so that you can grow, love, and live fully. But I also believe in accountability especially amongst believers.

Luke 17:3, “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him”.

In marriage or romantic relationships, this can be a bit challenging because we don’t always see that we’ve done things wrong or sinful. We often can just see things as “it just didn’t work out” or “we just don’t agree”. In my situation, I think we both feel a way on how things went down. He has apologized in the very beginning of all of this happening even going so far as to say it was all his fault. I accept his apology on that fully. We still have some work to do in this marriage in general and that’s where accountability and forgiveness will be required on both ends. So since neither of us has had that hard conversation as of yet, we haven’t stepped into full accountability and forgiveness. So know that for me personally, I understand that it’s not always easy to forgive, but it is necessary for healing. But also, I haven’t fully forgiven my estranged husband as of yet nor myself and even the circumstances. But I am on the journey of forgiveness so I’ll keep you posted on when that has happened or as it’s happening.

3. What’s the first step to rediscovering yourself after being married for so long?

The first step is giving yourself permission to explore who you are outside the roles you’ve played. For years, I defined myself as a wife and mother, and while those roles are important, I needed to reconnect with me. Who am I? So I started by asking myself that question alone. Then it was ok now that I know who I am…what brings me joy? What do I want my life to look like? From there, I leaned into small acts of self-care, new experiences, and even just sitting with myself in silence. And the thing is, you can’t rush tis. I would try and each time I did, someone in my support system would remind me that I was right where I needed to be because there was something I needed to learn in that state I was in. When I tell you I didn’t like hearing that…Chile. It irked my soul. But within, I knew it was the truth. So I would have to sit with being kicked out. Sit with losing almost everything. Sit with relocating. Sit with separating. Sit with every single thing that was happening and learn…who I was in that state, what brought me joy in that state (as in silver lining in spite of) and what do I want my life to look like in this state? There were more questions but these were the main ones that would often come up before any others did. It took time and going through was painful yet enlightening. as I learned rediscovery isn’t a rush…it’s a gentle unfolding of the woman I was always meant to be.

And guess what? Now that I’ve shared that update and answered some of the questions you’ve asked, I want to share another update with you. Since my newsletter is growing, I wanted to share some of that growth with you by including what’s called, Community Spotlight.

Each week, I’ll feature a response from you when something you’ve shared touches my heart, resonates with others, or adds to our growing community. And don’t worry…your identity will always remain private unless you tell me otherwise! So here we go.

This week’s Community Spotlight:

This touched me so much as I remember when I was first starting my LOEV Letter to you, I was so nervous knowing what I was getting ready to share unsure of how it would be received. But your responses have been so heartwarming and very supportive overall. So thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. You are part of what makes this community so special. Keep writing, keep replying and keep connecting as I’m here for all of it.

So Happy Holidays to you and yours. 💕 

What Are You Grateful For?

I’d love to hear from you! Reply to this email and share something you’re grateful for…whether it’s about the newsletter, something I’ve shared that resonated with you, or even just a moment of joy in your life. I told you, your responses mean everything to me and help us continue building this beautiful community together. So I look to hearing from you.

Also, if this newsletter has blessed you in any way, and you feel inclined to give, you can click here to do so. Your generosity supports this space and allows me to keep showing up for you with love, gratitude, and purpose.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS: Since I asked you, what are you grateful for, today I wanna share something personal I’m grateful for with you. I’m grateful for the woman I’m becoming. This year brought more hardship, heartbreak, and hard lessons than I could have ever imagined. There were tears, anger, frustrations and moments that were so overwhelming for me. But in spite of it all, I see now that The Most High was pruning me…not to harm me, but to help me grow.

Pruning: to cut off or cut back parts of for better shape or more fruitful growth.

If you’ve ever looked up the definition of pruning, you’ll know that it’s really about removing what no longer serves us, even when it hurts. It’s about creating space for new growth, stronger roots, and greater alignment. And while the process is painful, the results are beautiful. I love the way uu.edu shared on pruning where it said, “Pruning is not a punishment for a Believer; it is a reward. God is the vinedresser who prunes the life of everyone who abides in Christ and bears the fruit of Christ. Spiritual pruning enhances spiritual growth by removing whatever inhibits spiritual growth”. 

Because of this pruning, I’m becoming a woman more in tune with herself, her faith, and her purpose. I’m a better mother to my children, a better friend and family member, and even a better co-parent. I’ve also become a more consistent and committed writer, showing up for you each week in this newsletter and keeping my word which is  something I didn’t always do in the past. And I know you know.

So for all of this, I am deeply grateful. The pruning hasn’t been easy, but it’s shaping me into someone I truly love, someone aligned with the life I’m building. And I’m so thankful to have you here, witnessing and rolling with me on this journey. ❤️