The 7 Weird Things About Being Separated No One Warned Me About

1. It Feels Like a Breakup…Even When You’re Still Legally Married to Them

You’d think walking away would feel like freedom, but let me tell you, it can feel like a breakup that lingers in unexpected ways. Even when you know separation is what’s best, there’s grief…grief for what was, for what could have been, and even for the routine and familiarity you left behind.

For me, I felt a mix of relief and sadness. Relief because I was finally stepping into a space that felt right for me; sadness because I didn’t expect to feel so much loss. It wasn’t just about the relationship; it was about the life I thought we’d always have. I had to mourn the small things, like knowing he was coming home at the end of the day, and the big things, like shared traditions, the beautiful family we created and a future I had imagined for years.

It’s wild how you can miss someone even when their absence feels like the first breath of fresh air you’ve taken in years. It’s not just about losing a partner…it’s about losing the version of you that existed in that relationship, which is one of the hardest parts because she had to go too. And while I’m grateful for the woman I’m becoming, I still have moments where the old me tugs at my heartstrings.

2. You Mourn the Future You Thought You’d Have

Whew, this one is big and it hurts. We had so many plans. A whole family photoshoot was lined up; clothes already picked out and had been altered, the photographer’s deposit paid, the stylist choosing locations. And then…bam! What now? What do you do with the clothes? The plans? The dreams?

Family photoshoots had become a tradition for us, more like celebrity photoshoots than simple snapshots. We saw ourselves as royalty. My children’s father gave us a family name, and I wove their unique personalities into a shared narrative. We’d go all out; stylist, makeup artist, photographer, videographer, rented locations and even food at the shoot. Since 2018, these shoots cost thousands because I planned or had lotsa help planning every detail to perfection.

It wasn’t just the planned photoshoot, tho. We had a family comic book in the works, an accompanying animation we were going to pitch, plans to move into a bigger house, and a nine-day family trip to New York, Niagara Falls, and Canada already mapped out. Now what?

Even worse are the kids’ questions: “Mommy, are we still going to ________?” or, “Are you and Daddy getting back together so we can ________ as a family?” Ouch. What can I even say? Some things we dreamed about will never happen, and that reality still feels surreal.

No one warned me about the grief and mourning that comes with separation. It sucks. It’s weird. And it’s still so raw for me. All I can say is, I’m hanging in there, doing my best to move forward each day even when the dreams feel heavy.

3. Your House Doesn’t Feel the Same

After years of sharing a home, living in a space without my children’s father feels surreal. We didn’t stay in the same house after separating because…in fact, we lost our home entirely, which led to months of uncertainty. For five months, we moved from place to place in hotels, Airbnbs, staying with someone else, all while trying to find stability again. It was a tough season for me and my children, full of challenges and adjustments.

In August, after staying with someone else in Florida, we finally moved into a small apartment of our own...well, not our own, but someone else’s place. It’s been a temporary haven where we’ve been regrouping and rebuilding while I work towards finding a space that’s truly ours.

It’s much smaller than what we’re used to, but in some ways, that’s brought us closer together. The children take turns cooking, we eat together and hang out in the cozy kitchen, play games on the Xbox we brought with us, and chatter throughout the day when we’re all awake. These little moments have made it feel more like home because, unlike when we were staying with someone else, we now have the freedom to live by our own rules.

There’s no arguing, no tension, no walking on eggshells. It’s not the life I planned, but it’s a step toward the life we deserve...a life of peace, freedom and love, even in the midst of transition.

This apartment has been our sanctuary...a space to rebuild, regroup, and dream about what’s next. And while it’s not ours, it’s a reminder that home isn’t defined by the size of the space or who’s in it...but it’s about the love and stability you create within.

4. People Don’t Know How to Talk to You

This one feels weird and honestly, a little funny. Some friends straight-up disappear because they don’t know what to say. Others dive in with unsolicited advice, or worse, hit you with invasive questions like, “What really happened?” And then there are those awkward “Are you okay?” looks from people who know just enough to be nosy but not enough to actually be helpful.

Going home for Thanksgiving was a prime example. While it was nice seeing everyone, they didn’t really know how to talk to me. They had questions, but no one wanted to be too nosy. They wanted to understand how things got to where they are without being insensitive—but let’s just say, they didn’t have the words.

One family member got so frustrated with my emotions about seeing everyone again that she blurted out, “And whose fault is that?” 😆 To which I calmly responded, “I don’t give a damn.” It was awkward as hell in front of everyone, but you know what? I loved it. Why? Because I’m in a place now where I can be unapologetically me…a happily separated, co-parenting woman who is vulnerable, emotional, and doesn’t care how others see or respond to that. This is me. No filter.

Then there’s the unsolicited advice. I’m talking about people who have never been married as long as I was or have no clue what separation after 20 years feels like. Not that they can’t offer advice, but most of it is unnecessary and doesn’t fit me or my situation. I’ve been told things, warned about things, advised, and even diagnosed—both me and my children’s father…all based on my writings. 😂 Y’all, I didn’t know so many people moonlighted as therapists and life coaches!

The truth is, people don’t know what to say because they’ve only ever seen me in my role as a happily married wife and mom. My identity was so wrapped up in that image that seeing me now—separated, co-parenting, and thriving—throws them off. But I’ve learned not to take it personally. Instead, I’ve adjusted my support system to include women who have been where I am.

Let me tell you, finding and leaning into a circle of older, separated, or divorced women who’ve navigated 20+ years of marriage has been just what the doctor ordered. My support system was solid before, but this update has strengthened it. Now, no one person has to hold space for me alone, no one is overly burdened, and no one talks to me weird because my new circle knows exactly what to say.

Here’s the truth: experience and wisdom can’t be bought or cheated. They’re earned through living and learning. And that’s why surrounding myself with women who’ve walked this path has been one of the most freeing and loving things I’ve done for myself.

5. You Realize How Much You Gave (and Lost)

When you’ve poured so much into a marriage, it’s impossible not to think about all you invested and all you feel you’ve lost. The time, the energy, the dreams you built together…none of that can be undone. And yes, it’s easy to fall into the mindset of “Look at all I put in and lost.” I’ve been there too.

But here’s the shift: what looks like loss at first glance, I now see as a learning experience for my greater good. One of my favorite teachings comes from Florence Scovel Shinn, an ole skool spiritual teacher I often read and listen to. Florence says there are no mistakes, only lesson experiences. That concept felt strange to me at first. How could my decisions, which felt like mistakes at the time, really be lessons?

Now, I get it. Those “mistakes” were never meant to hurt me; they were there to teach me. Even when the decisions I made weren’t the best ones, they still had a purpose: to help me grow, gain perspective, and ultimately, wisdom. And here’s the truth: you can’t buy wisdom or experience. Neither can be handed to you. They can only be earned by putting in the time and living through it.

So yes, it can feel strange to mourn what you gave, what you lost, and especially the time you can’t get back. But it’s equally strange and empowering to realize how much you’ve gained. Perspective. Experience. Wisdom. These are treasures that no one can take from you.

And now, I ask myself: What can I do with what I’ve learned? How can the experience I’ve earned and the wisdom I’ve gained serve me and others? Because here’s the beauty of it all: the lessons I thought were losses are now tools I use to help myself, my children, and others navigating their own journeys. That’s not loss…it’s transformation.

6. You Have to Redefine What Family Looks Like

Family takes on a whole new meaning after separation. Things shift. What used to feel normal feels foreign, and what once felt foreign sometimes becomes your new normal. When it came to co-parenting, I had to learn that I could prioritize peace for myself while still showing up for my children in the best way possible. But whew, it hasn’t been easy!

One moment stands out: my children’s father surprised me…not with flowers or gifts, but with actual respect for my boundaries. He agreed to inform me before stopping by to bring our children anything unannounced and to stop talking thru them as this was overstepping boundaries I set within our co-parenting dynamic. This was HUGE because, for years, boundaries were something I could preach about but never fully enforce within my marriage. It reminded me that co-parenting isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress…even the baby steps.

And look, I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out. There are still moments when his actions—or lack thereof—tempt me to fall back into old patterns of trying to fix or rescue. But now, I’m learning to stand firm in my truth. For example, if he ever came to me during extreme cold saying he needed a place to stay, I’d offer him a spot for the night. Not out of obligation, but out of love for our children and the environment I want to model for them. He’d know the boundaries: come, stay, and go; no extensions, no gray areas.

Redefining family has taught me that it’s okay to make space for what works for you while letting go of what doesn’t. It’s okay to create new traditions, even if it means saying goodbye to old ones. And most importantly, it’s okay to prioritize your peace while still showing up for the people you love. Family doesn’t have to fit anyone else’s definition. It just has to work for you.

7. It’s Both Lonely and Liberating

Here’s the thing about separation that no one really prepares you for: you can miss the familiarity of having someone there and still be glad they’re not there.

I sometimes miss the comfort of sharing a space with someone; the presence, the protection, and the masculinity of having a husband and father in the home. But here’s the flip side: I love not having to deal with the stress that came with that presence.

These days, the home I’ve created for me and my children feels peaceful. Comfortable. Safe. While I sometimes think about how life might have been if none of this happened, I also feel a deep relief in knowing I don’t have to put a cape on anymore.

Now, I get to spend that energy on my own self-improvement, my dreams, my goals and my plans. It feels good to pour into myself without the weight of obligation to do the same for someone else. It’s weird to admit, but while I miss parts of the past, I wouldn’t trade the freedom and peace I’ve found for anything.

As I’ve shared these 7 "weird" things about separation, my hope is that you feel a little less alone in whatever season you’re walking through. Life after separation isn’t just about what’s lost, it’s also about what’s found. It’s about redefining, rebuilding, and reclaiming every part of yourself, even when it feels messy, uncomfortable, or downright weird.

Whether you're navigating your own separation, supporting someone who is, or just reflecting on your own relationships, remember this: growth is rarely linear, but it’s always worth it. And if nothing else, let my ongoing story remind you that even in the midst of transition, there’s strength in vulnerability, power in authenticity, and beauty in the unexpected.

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey with you. It’s thru these connections and conversations that we create community, healing, and hope. I’d love to hear your thoughts on whether something resonated, surprised you, or even sparked a new perspective.

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Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋 

P.S. If something in this newsletter inspired you, made you laugh, or even made you think, reply and let me know! And don’t forget to reply back with any question you’d like me to answer for Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV. I’d love to hear your thoughts. And don’t miss the cyber week special for your private one on one session here so you can that issues in your relationship or sexuality dealt with. Here for you. 💌