The Heartbreak of Becoming Incompatible with the Man You Love

The Truck That Represented Something Bigger

I wanted my damn truck in the damn garage, and nobody in it unless I am. That’s where I was emotionally—irritated, drained, and tired of boundaries I didn’t enforce being crossed over and over again. And it wasn’t just about the truck. It was about everything it represented.

Looking back on my 20 years of marriage, I can see how the little things that bothered me were signals of something much bigger. They were signs of how much I had grown—and how much he hadn’t.

For 20 years, I worked on myself, investing in therapy, hiring coaches, building a support system, and improving every area of my life. But every time I looked over at him, he seemed the same. That’s not to say he’s a bad person, but when you don’t work on self-improvement in some way, shape, or form, you remain the same. And the truth is, we had stopped growing together. Even when I would sign him up for self improvement courses or recommend dope men who could be his mentors that he actually agreed with me on. He would even reach out to them but as soon as he couldn’t get them, he wouldn’t persist…like I did when I wanted a particular mentor. I literally cyber stalked her every move until she became one of my mentors. Not saying he had to do things the way I did, but at the very least, persist until you get what or who you need, right?

How Compatibility Faded Over Time

When we first got married, we were so compatible. We were young and in love, with dreams of building a life together. But over time, I poured into myself, mentors, therapy, coaches, and courses. I invested in me. I worked on healing childhood wounds, building a business, and creating a better future for my family.

At one point, I was working with a TikTok coach to grow my platform while balancing being a mother, homeschooling, and navigating my own grief over losing my mom. And while I was doing all of this, he… stayed the same. I realized over the years that we weren’t just growing in different directions—we weren’t growing together at all.

The realization hit hard: while I was evolving, learning, and expanding, he was stuck or rather, comfortable. Our compatibility, which once felt unshakable, quietly faded as I became a woman he no longer fit.

Recognizing the Pattern of Emotional Manipulation

For years, I didn’t see the pattern. When we’d argue intensely, basically about money, he’d walk out. Days later, he’d return, telling me stories of his hardships while he was gone: sleeping in high school bathrooms, walking miles to work in his dress shoes to where his feet blistered and hurt badly, cleaning up in public bathrooms. And I’d feel for him. I’d hug him and cry, thinking, “Damn…how hard that must have been for him.”

But here’s the thing: he didn’t have to go through any of that. We had a home, a car, soap, water, and all his shoes and clothes were there. He chose to walk out. He chose to leave us. And yet, I allowed his self-inflicted struggles to overshadow the real issues in our marriage: unresolved financial stress, broken communication, and his lack of accountability.

Even recently, in a text conversation, he did it again. He shared about his self-inflicted struggles and wounds. He told me how hard things had been for him, how he was trying to get back on his feet. But this time, I saw it for what it was.

He wasn’t sharing equally or being vulnerable…he was shifting the focus again. I realized he probably doesn’t know he does this. It’s so automatic that even he doesn’t see the pattern. But I do now, and because my growth has given me clarity, I saw his patterns for what they were. And because I no longer felt responsible for rescuing him, I chose not to engage nor fall into the trap of consoling him.

What I’ve Learned About Outgrowth

Here’s what I’ve learned about recognizing outgrowth in relationships—whether it’s a marriage, friendship, or even an acquaintanceship:

1. Notice the Patterns: Are you consistently growing while the other person remains stagnant? Reflect on how their lack of growth impacts the relationship.

   • For me, it was years of therapy, coaches, and self-improvement while he stayed in the same mindset. This stark difference in effort and growth highlighted our incompatibility over time.

2. Pay Attention to Emotional Manipulation: Does the focus always shift to their struggles, leaving yours unresolved? Recognize these patterns for what they are.

   • His repeated use of self-inflicted struggles to shift attention from the real issues was a pattern I finally saw for what it was…and refused to engage with anymore.

3. Evaluate Boundaries: Are they crossing boundaries you haven’t enforced? Think about where resentment may be building.

   • The truck situation wasn’t just about the truck. It was about boundaries I failed to set and enforce…boundaries that left me feeling disrespected and drained.

4. Reflect on Compatibility: Are you still aligned in values, goals, and lifestyle? Incompatibility often starts subtly before becoming glaringly obvious.

   • Our compatibility faded not because we fought but because I kept growing while he stayed the same. Over time, the life I wanted and the life he was living were no longer aligned.

5. Make Space for Growth: Not all relationships need to end, but some do. Decide if the relationship is worth recalibrating or if it’s time to let go.

   • When he turned down a job offer in the middle of our struggles, it became clear that I was carrying the relationship on my own. Letting go wasn’t about giving up…it was about making room for both of us to grow, even if that growth happened separately.

Tyler Perry Was Right

I’ll never forget seeing Diary of a Mad Black Woman at the movies for the first time. I remember being disappointment that she (Helen) ended up leaving the marriage instead of staying and working things out with her husband (Charles) like in the stage play. In fact, I also remember sharing this disappointment on Tyler Perry’s online forum at that time and many agreed with me altho some said they liked the movie’s ending better. But watching that same movie today, my perspective has changed. I get now why after 18 years she decided to forgive him yet walk away from the marriage even tho in the end, he finally changed. But the scene that stood out to me the most when watching it this time around was between Bryan and Helen after she told him,

“I always thought that if I did all I could, God would bless my marriage”. And he responded,

“It takes a lot more than you doing all you can. And who’s to say that this is not your blessing? You know, sometimes, we hold onto the things that God himself is trying to tear apart”. whew chile

That was me. The Most High kept sending signs: disconnections. foreclosures. evictions. job losses, money arguments. But I kept holding on. Even after we reconciled in late 2023, I realized I was still the one pushing for change, for growth, for us to move forward. But reconciliation doesn’t work when only one person is changing. My marriage had become a burden…one that I was no longer willing to carry alone.

On July 4th, it all fell apart. And while it hurt, I somehow knew God was saying, “This is going to be painful, but I promise you’ll come out as pure gold. This is your Independence Day.”

Choosing Myself

I didn’t leave a man or “choose to be a single parent,” as he so “uneloquently” put it. I left the version of myself that believed loyalty meant losing myself. And while it hurt, remember, The Most High promised me I’d come out as pure gold. And every day, I see that promise being fulfilled as I embrace this new season of growth, freedom, joy and leisure.

Even when he tried to throw in my face that I’m out here “enjoying and toasting to my freedom with friends” while he’s homeless, I chose not to respond. Why? Because when you choose yourself, you don’t have to explain your why to anyone…not even the man you married.

Here’s my point: It’s okay to outgrow people. It happens, especially when you start a relationship one way and grow while they don’t. It’s also okay to let go of relationships that no longer serve you. You’re not wrong or selfish for choosing yourself. In fact, you’re setting an example of what’s possible when you trust The Most High’s plan and step into the woman you were created to be…just as I am. 💌 

Always Much Love,

~ OEV (Octavia E Vance) 💋 

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