The Power of Touch: How I Fulfill My Intimate Needs...Without Sex.

The Challenge of Touch Deprivation Post-Separation

There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night, sit on the side of the bed, and just hold myself because I can feel that my body is wanting and needing to be touched. She is aware of the lack of it, and it can spring forth loneliness. I may wake up most days in peace because I don’t have to deal with his fires, but my body can have other ideas

For the most part, I have a pretty fulfilling life. It’s filled with doing what I love, being around the people I love, and even now, in this season, making new friends. So in many ways, it’s fulfilling.

But even with all of that going on, there are still things that sometimes aren’t always being met. And one of them is touch.

I’m a woman who loves to touch and be touched. I’m human. I’m a woman with desires, and I like my desires to be fulfilled. I’m a woman with fantasies and I’ve never been one to have fantasies that I don’t bring to life. If I have a fantasy, you better believe I’m going to find a way to make it happen.

And right now, my desires and fantasies are rooted in touch. Not just any touch, but meaningful hugs that don’t come from friends or family.

I’ve already written about the power of a father’s hug (you can read that here), something I longed for even before my father passed. And I’ve written about the touch of a mother’s hug in a post I wrote about almost 3 years ago entitled, A Daughter Again. Click to read here.

But today? Today is different.

Today, I want to talk about the kind of touch that fulfills us in ways that have nothing to do with sex but everything to do with intimacy, connection, and being human.

Because what happens when you’re not receiving this type of touch? What happens when your body still craves it, still needs it, but you don’t have access to it?

And these aren’t just romantic or sexual touches…these are the touches that offer emotional connection, warmth, and affection, satisfying a primal need that isn’t often talked about.

And the church? The church has been completely silent on this.

Because in their eyes, this discussion doesn’t exist.

In their world, intimacy and touch belong to married people only, and if you’re not married, you don’t or should simply “wait.”

But wait until what?

Wait until marriage to experience deep, fulfilling, healing touch?

Wait until marriage to satisfy the very thing that God Himself designed our bodies to need?

This is why people struggle so deeply with loneliness and isolation. Because there’s normally not a safe space to discuss the reality of what our bodies crave.

And that’s what I’m here to talk about today and I’ll go more into this later.

The Science Behind Our Need for Touch

Our skin is embedded with millions of sensory receptors that respond to touch, playing a crucial role in our emotional and physical well-being.

When we experience positive physical contact, like a warm hug, a gentle caress, or even a lingering hand squeeze, our brain releases my favorite, oxytocin, which is also known as the "love hormone."

Oxytocin does three major things:
✔️ It reduces stress and anxiety.
✔️ It strengthens bonds and trust.
✔️ It increases feelings of overall happiness and security.

Studies have shown that people who lack physical touch for extended periods experience:
🚨 Increased stress and anxiety.
🚨 Higher levels of depression.
🚨 Reduced immune function.
🚨 Difficulty forming emotional bonds.

And let’s talk about infants for a second. Babies who are held, hugged, and touched often in their early years grow up to be more confident, open, and emotionally stable adults.

Meanwhile, babies who lack touch? They grow up to be more withdrawn, anxious, and emotionally disconnected.

Touch matters.

It’s not just about sex. It’s about human connection, healing, and emotional well-being.

So how do we, as single, separated, divorced, or widowed women of faith, fulfill this need in a healthy way?

Three Strategies to Fulfill the Need for Intimate Touch Without Sex

If you’ve been feeling the lack of touch in your life, here are three ways to bring that connection back into your body and spirit:

1. Massage Therapy

This is my number one go-to when I need the healing power of touch.

Someone recently asked me, “If I could take you anywhere, where would it be and what would you want to do there?”

Without hesitation, I said: “A massage. A couple’s massage.”

So he set up a couple’s massage for us both as he said he could use one too.

Ninety minutes of deep tissue massage that left me feeling completely renewed.

No, we aren’t a couple. But did I care? Absolutely not.

Because I got exactly what I needed: intimate, healing touch that didn’t lead to sex. Every inch of my body that needed to be touched in a sensual way was touched and massaged. Deeply at that.

I got to lay there and have my desire fulfilled and even made a few requests to stay longer in certain areas. Yes. right there please

And you can do the same.

And massages are especially for you if you don’t like just anybody touching you. I get that. But here’s the thing; you get to choose.

You can go to a spa. You can book a professional. You can make it clear that this is about healing and relaxation.

Massages heal the body and the spirit so don’t underestimate their power. My estranged husband had a way with his hands and would give really good massages that were healing to my body especially being that we were together. But that’s off limits for my boundaries and mental health so what now? Massages, honey.

Did you know there are Mental and Emotional Benefits to massages? Look…

Physical Benefits:

• Pain Relief:

  Deep tissue massages can effectively alleviate chronic muscle pain and stiffness by targeting the deeper layers of muscles and connective tissues. If you ever see me wearing something on my wrists, that’s from extreme carpal tunnel that’s built up over the years. But during massages, I have them stay on my wrists a little extra to hit that trigger point of my body and it feels ah-may-zing let me tell you!

• Improved Flexibility and Range of Motion:

  By breaking down scar tissue and adhesions, deep tissue massages help loosen tight muscles, increasing flexibility and range of motion. I have had significant scar tissue in my abdominal area, also known as adhesions. These are bands of scar-like tissue that form between organs and tissues, causing them to stick together. This led to excruciating pain and digestive issues. So when I get a deep tissue massage and they focus on that area, it helps break down the scar tissue and adhesions left behind after six major abdominal surgeries from bringing his children into the world.

• Enhanced Recovery:

  Deep tissue massage accelerates recovery from strenuous activities or injuries by increasing blood flow and lymphatic drainage, which helps remove metabolic waste products and reduce soreness. 

• Reduced Inflammation:

  Deep tissue massage can help reduce inflammation by increasing blood flow to the affected area, delivering oxygen and nutrients to promote healing. 

• Scar Tissue Reduction:

  Deep tissue massage can help break down scar tissue, which can restrict movement and cause pain, improving flexibility and range of motion. This is big for the 5 ‘kriss kross” c-section scars that I have as well. Many times it was those bikini line massages that helped not only reduce that tingling sensation I would have months post surgery but to also help the numbness that remained many times a year after birth, helping to eventually return feeling to that area where I was cut to bring life into the world.

• Improved Circulation:

  Deep tissue massage increases blood flow, delivering oxygen and nutrients to muscles and tissues, promoting healing and reducing pain. 

• Muscle Tension Relief:

  Deep tissue massage helps to release tension in muscles, which can contribute to pain and stiffness. I’ve had way too many lumps in my neck from tension caused by all of the drama that came with not only my separation but the bullshit endured when dealing with the mudslinging and emotional abuse I was being put thru simply because I left for better. When you constantly read words like, “You murdered this family” or “You chose to be a single parent” without taking any responsibility why I was even left with those choices to begin with, your body can tense up and produce knots because of the mental stress you’re enduring. Why do you think the rich keep their massage therapists on standby?

Mental and Emotional Benefits:

• Stress and Anxiety Reduction: Deep tissue massage isn’t just about loosening muscles. It actively promotes relaxation by reducing cortisol levels while triggering the release of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine; those feel-good chemicals that help combat stress and anxiety. When you’re constantly carrying tension in your body, whether from emotional stress or physical strain, deep tissue massage can be a game-changer in helping your body reset. It’s why people often walk out of a session feeling lighter, calmer, and more at peace.

• Improved Sleep:

  By easing muscle tension, lowering stress hormones, and increasing relaxation, deep tissue massage can significantly improve sleep quality. When your nervous system shifts out of fight-or-flight mode and into deep relaxation, your body naturally prepares for better, deeper rest. If you’ve ever found yourself tossing and turning, unable to settle into sleep because of stress or physical discomfort, a good massage can help regulate your body and bring the kind of rest you’ve been missing.

• Enhanced Mood:

  The release of endorphins during deep tissue massage doesn’t just stop at relaxation…it actively improves your mood and overall sense of well-being. This is why after a deep, thorough massage, you don’t just feel good physically; you feel better mentally and emotionally, too. The effects can linger for days, leaving you in a more balanced and uplifted state.

  Baby when I tell you massages have been clutch for me during this time, honey that is an understatement. Massages have been my therapy, my safe space, and my way of ensuring that I still receive the touch my body craves in a healthy and fulfilling way. So if you’ve been feeling tense, disconnected, or in need of sensual, non-sexual intimacy, let me tell you; one massage should be coming right up, please! Whether it’s a professional session or a trusted pair of hands offering a slow, intentional massage, don’t underestimate how powerful and necessary this kind of touch is for your well-being.

2. Professional Cuddling Services

Did you know that cuddle therapy is a real thing?

Professional cuddlers literally provide intimate, non-sexual physical touch for people who need it.

And no, I haven’t personally used one, but I fully support them, and if I ever wanted to, I wouldn’t hesitate.

One of my business coaches was actually a co-founder of the Cuddlr app, which was one of the first apps designed for people to book safe, platonic cuddle sessions.

Some cuddlers will simply hold you while you talk. Others will sit with you on a couch, offering warmth, comfort, and emotional connection.

And people pay for this.

Why? Because we need touch to thrive.

When the pandemic hit, people found out just how much touch was a necessity in their lives. And even tho the pandemic caused the app to end even with two attempts to revive it afterwards, the app caused massage therapists and others to add the services to their businesses because it was greatly in demand.

And if you struggle to find that organically, there’s nothing inherently wrong with seeking it out in a professional, structured, safe way.

3. Physical Activities with Touch Elements

Ever met someone for the first time, and they greeted you with a hug that lingered just a little bit longer than expected?

I have.

And let me tell you…those hugs? They feel amazing.

When a man pulls me in, holds me close, and I feel the warmth of his body, it reminds me that I’m still alive.

Now, do I want that kind of hug from just anybody? Not really.

But if it’s someone I trust, even casually, I fully embrace those masculine, lingering hugs. And please don’t let him be wearing the cologne I like. I let even the linger linger then. 😂

Other touch-based activities include:
✔️ Dancing (think salsa, bachata, or any partner dancing).
✔️ Acro-yoga (which involves balancing and supporting another person).
✔️ Even simply sitting close to someone while watching a movie.

These are simple ways to integrate touch into your life without crossing into sexual territory.

The Importance of Recognizing and Addressing Touch Deprivation

So, what happens when you are no longer receiving this kind of hug… this kind of touch? The kind that doesn’t always lead to sex, (tho let’s be real it can and Ima always keep it real with you boo), but instead brings deep fulfillment? The kind that satisfies your need for connection, affection, intimacy and healing? The kind of touch that reassures you, grounds you and makes you feel seen without actual sex?

The church does not talk about this.

This kinda touch is a necessity for me as it also reassures my faith in men. Remember, I married the “nice guy”, the kind, gentleman from a two parent home who’s parents have now been married for over 60 years. I didn’t marry a ‘cheater and a beater’. So if my marriage has come to what it comes to, my faith can be insanely rattled to not trust men again and give up on marriage altogether. 20 years? Yeah. Assurance can be very necessary for me as I still counsel women in their marriages and help them stay when it aligns with their desires and well being. But my point…

Did I say the church doesn’t talk about this?

Because intimacy and physical touch are too often automatically attributed to marriage. So much that if you’re not married, the conversation stops there. There’s no discussion, no guidance, no consideration for the fact that human beings need touch to thrive. And by refusing to talk about it, the church is alienating people.

People don’t understand this. From pastors to congregations, to even those of us in the body of Christ, we have not been taught that these are literal basic needs; that people need to be touched in a way that is healthy, fulfilling, and deeply intimate.

So we gon’ talk about what is happening in our bodies when it comes to Touch.

The skin is the largest organ we have, filled with millions of sensory receptors that respond to touch. When stimulated thru positive physical contact, these receptors signal the brain to release oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which fosters emotional connection, relieves stress, and promotes a sense of safety and well-being. Studies have shown that people who experience regular physical touch are often happier, healthier, and emotionally more stable.

But when we lack touch, our bodies notice. Our nervous system becomes more stressed, our anxiety levels rise, and our emotions feel heavier. The absence of affectionate touch creates a void…one that, if ignored for too long, manifests in loneliness, depression, and even physical tension.

So what do we do when we are no longer in a position where we are regularly receiving touch, especially intimate touch? What do we do when we are single, divorced, widowed, or separated and suddenly find ourselves without the comfort of familiar physical connection?

Let’s be real. Some of us spent years receiving these types of touches. We built marriages and relationships around the comfort of being held, embraced, kissed, and intimately touched. And now we’re in a season where we don’t have that, but our bodies still remember and want and need that.

And this is why Paul suggested that younger widows remarry and remarry quickly because chile, if you a woman like me, we desire that intimate touch. That masculine presence. That sense of connection and security that comes from being physically close to a man.

The question is, how do we navigate this need when we are no longer in relationships that provide it? How do we honor our bodies, acknowledge our desires, and still move in a way that feels right for us?

They expect people to just go without touch until marriage when touch is a vital human need? f…o…h

If you’ve been struggling with loneliness, unfulfilled desires, or a sense of something missing, ask yourself:

When was the last time you were truly touched in a way that made you feel safe, held, and cherished?

It matters.

And if you desire it, you deserve it.

Now, tell me…what are you doing to get your need for touch fulfilled? Reply back and let me know. I love reading your emails back to me.

If you want to learn more about embracing intimacy and sexual liberation in a way that aligns with YOUR FAITH, I have a flash sale going on but that ends today where you get a 1:1 session with me for only $97, over half off my normal price. Don’t miss this chance to deepen your understanding and create the fulfilling connection you desire in just one session.

Because you, my love, deserve connection.

You got till midnight on the 1:1 session deal. 😉 

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love Leisure & Pleasure

P.S. Don’t forget…my flash sale ends at midnight CST / 1 AM EST! This is your last chance to grab a 1:1 session with me for only $97, over half off the regular price. If you’ve been waiting for the right moment to dive into intimacy, pleasure, and sexual liberation that aligns with your faith, this is it.

Click here to book before the clock runs out! ⏳💋