The Power of Touch: The Healing Hugs You Didn’t Know You Were Starving For.

I didn’t know I needed it.

I didn’t know I had been deprived of it.

But my body knew. My soul knew. And my Spirit.

And when the moment finally came, I broke all the way down.

I was a newlywed at church one day when my pastor at the time started calling people up for hugs. He and his wife were standing there, arms open, inviting anyone who felt led to receive a hug from them.

I just sat there, arms crossed, watching the whole thing like it was weird. I mean, what was the point of this?

Why did grown men…grown men…feel the need to line up for this?

I sat there, completely unimpressed.

This some kind of ploy? Some type of performance to prove he was “so real” or something?

It made no sense to me.

But then, right in the middle of hugging someone else, the pastor got on the mic and said,

“You too, Octavia. Come on up here.”

I stared at him and continued to sit.

Like, “Ummm…no.”

I was not going anywhere.

But he persisted, “You need this more than anyone. Come on up and let your pastor give you a hug. Come on.”

I was still not impressed.

I have always been one to wear my feelings on my sleeves, so I’m sure my face showed my disapproval.

But he did not give in to my disapproval, and the ushers came to motion me up.

So…I went ahead and got up there, looking over at my estranged husband like,

“Why didn’t he call you up too? Help me”! 😩

So I went up and stood in line, and while most people who were receiving hugs were thoroughly happy to receive a hug from their pastor, there were some who were breaking all the way down during their hug.

When I tell you I was thoroughly confused…

I was judging hella hard too, like,

“Why are they acting up like this in front of all these people?”

I was embarrassed for them and me for having to see so much of what I thought was fakeness.

While my heartbeat got faster and faster every time I stepped closer to being next in line, the look of disapproval on my face intensified as I crossed my arms tight, like, I’m just not having this.

My forehead started glistening with tiny beads of sweat, something that only happens if I’m working out or nervous as hell.

I started eyeing my purse knowing my keys to my car were in there, picturing myself making a run for it and getting out of this dysfunctional religious line of chaos.

But after what felt like a 30-minute wait in line (because it was),

I was next.

And Then It Happened

The pastor walked up a bit to me and said,

“You need this. Octavia…look at me.”

I was looking off to the side, arms still crossed, as if to say,

“No. I don’t need this. You need this to make you look good.”

The Pastor: “Look at me, Octavia.”

The congregation of onlookers were saying different things like,

“Let God have His way.”

“You okay, Lady Vance?”

(Yes, when you’re married to a minister in the Bible Belt South, you get a little title too. And a big one if he’s a pastor. 🤦🏾‍♀️😂)

I finally turned my head to face him, and my eyes fixated on his, looking him straight in the eyes.

He said, “It’s OK. I got you. Let me hug you.”

It sounded so profane to me for some reason.

I couldn’t understand why this was even necessary.

I finally just gave in to get this over with and did the little church hug between men and women…

At first.

But then…

Something happened in my entire body.

Something shifted.

And the church hug turned into a hug where a little girl was being hugged by her father…a loving hug at that.

And then it happened…

I began to break.

I had stopped resisting.

I had let go of my defenses.

I had let down my walls, and my knees buckled.

The Pastor said, “There it is. I’ve been waiting a long time for this.”

 I 👏🏾 Broke 👏🏾 All 👏🏾 The 👏🏾 Way 👏🏾 Down!

The tears wouldn’t stop falling. I could no longer see.

I simply closed my eyes and hugged this man as tightly as I ever could.

Do you know I held onto him longer than everyone who came up?

We literally hugged for over 10 minutes.

And I could hear him say, “This is how a father hugs his daughter.”

And at that moment, I totally let go.

Only he, his wife, and another female usher were holding me up.

Because if they weren’t, I would have been legit on the floor.

What Just Happened?

Why did I carry on in this manner?

Because that’s exactly what touch does.

✅ It heals.
✅ It breaks things off you.
✅ It satisfies something in your soul.
✅ It weakens you, then strengthens you.

Whatever was broken in me that day was instantly repaired in one long hug.

The pastor told me,

“Ever since you came here, I’ve been wanting to do this, but God told me you needed time before this could happen. Octavia…you’ve been needing a hug from your father for a long time. And even though I’m not your earthly father, God told me to be your spiritual father and do right by you. I love you and I am here to help you do more than just make it in this world.”

Lord, I was a total mess.

Most of the hugs I had received from men in my life at this point had been romantic or sexual.

I had been missing the hug and touch of a father…of a man that wanted to love and protect me as a guardian.

And that is why I broke down and finally let go.

My body needed that so bad I didn’t even know it.

And in that moment, I’ll never forget, I was healed of the physical and emotional neglect of my own father.

At that time, I could count on one hand how many times my father hugged me.

And it wasn’t even five. But why am I even sharing this story with you?

Because too many of us are not being touched enough and our bodies are reacting to that in ways we don’t even realize. When we lack physical connection, it manifests as loneliness, stress, and even physical discomfort.

When you spend too much time separated from your normal social networks, your brain is put under an extreme cognitive load meaning you have way more to think and worry about. Your mind starts working overtime, becoming hyper-vigilant for potential dangers, ruminating longer on things that have gone wrong, and fixating on stressors that could have been easily managed with balance.

And here’s the problem. When your brain is overloaded like this, it crowds out other things you would normally be doing like self-care, creativity, and simple moments of joy. Instead of letting your mind wander freely, laugh effortlessly, or simply be present, you’re stuck in an endless loop of overthinking, anxiety, and emotional depletion.

And COVID? It only made things worse. If anything, it robbed us of touch on a massive scale, forcing us into isolation and making us believe we could actually function with less human contact. Now, years later, our bodies are crying out for what they were deprived of.

This is why I’m sharing this story with you. Because the power of touch, the healing grounding deeply necessary connection of physical affection, cannot be ignored. And you, my love, are likely not getting enough of it.

Don’t you see what the touch of a hug did for me at that time? And I hadn’t had a hug from my father since I left for college which at this point, had been over 10 ten years. That was way too long to not have a fatherly hug.

After that powerful and healing hug, I realized that as a young woman who had been deprived of these kinds of hugs growing up that it had been causing me to try and find it elsewhere…like men and sex. Yet at that moment I realized I must be have a fatherly hug regularly.

That man gave the best fatherly hugs and because of that initial long and powerful hug, I ended up going to therapy, confronting my father on the abuse he put me thru and getting hugs from my pastor without fear or shame. I was healed of my past neglect of my father during these powerful hugs. And you need that too.

This Is Just the Beginning

This is the first part of a series I’ll be writing on The Power of Touch.

Next, I’ll be talking about:
✅ The Touch of a Mother and the impact of maternal hugs.
✅ The Touch of Friends and how platonic affection can be healing.
✅ Romantic and Sexual Touch and why it’s important to differentiate between the two.

Join Me Inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered

This series will get even deeper inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered as I’ll be sharing a video about this experience Tuesday on the deeper impact of touch and you have to be a premium subscriber to gain access.

Go behind the scenes with me because sis, you need to be touched and I’m ready to break it down even more for you.

As you also deserve to be held, too. #StayTuned

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure