The Rescue Trap: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Co-Dependency

Part 1: Understanding Co-Dependency and Its Impact

Sis, you're not alone. I’ve been there too.

I know what it’s like to pour everything you have into your partner, to constantly pick up the pieces, and to sacrifice yourself over and over again just to keep the relationship together. I’ve lived it. And let me tell you…co-dependency isn’t love. It’s survival. But the good news is, there’s a way out.

Let’s talk about it.

What Is Co-Dependency?
Co-dependency is an imbalanced relationship dynamic where one person takes on the role of rescuer, fixer, or caretaker, compulsively sacrificing their own needs to care for the other (the taker), often at the expense of their own happiness, identity, and even safety. The giver typically derives their sense of purpose and self-worth from being needed. Meanwhile, the other person (the dependent/the taker) becomes overly reliant on the rescuer for emotional stability, practical solutions, validation and to meet all their needs and avoids taking responsibility for themselves.

The term co-dependency was first coined in the 1980s, initially tied to families dealing with addiction. Over time, it became clear that these patterns exist in many relationships, even when addiction isn’t a factor. And let’s be real, it’s a dynamic that thrives feeds in marriages and relationships of faith because we’re often taught to "hold it all together", “esteem others higher than ourselves”, “submit to our husbands as unto the Lord”, compromise and "sacrifice for the greater good," even when it’s breaking us.

The Different Dynamics of Co-Dependency
In these relationships, roles tend to fall into patterns:

• The Rescuer/Caretaker/The Giver: That’s the one who does it all, solves the problems, makes the sacrifices, and carries the weight of the relationship. Sound familiar? 👂️

• The Dependent/The Taker: The partner who leans heavily on the rescuer, avoids accountability, and often shifts responsibility for their own growth.

• The Persecutor: Sometimes, the dependent becomes critical or even blames the rescuer despite relying on them.

Signs You May Be in a Codependent Relationship

• Constantly prioritizing your partner’s needs above your own

• Feeling responsible for your partner’s happiness and well-being

• Losing your sense of self and identity in the relationship

• Enabling your partner’s unhealthy behaviors

Characteristics of Co-Dependent Relationships

Codependent relationships are characterized by a distinct set of signs and symptoms. Some common red flags include:

• Difficulty making decisions without the other person’s input or approval (him)

• Constantly seeking validation and approval from one’s partner (him)

• Feeling responsible for the other person’s emotions and well-being (me)

• Sacrificing personal interests, hobbies, and friendships to cater to the partner’s needs (me in the beginning but this may been a bit of us both over the course of the marriage as at one time we followed the “forsaken all others” very seriously).

• Enabling or making excuses for the partner’s unhealthy behaviors (me)

These dynamics create a vicious cycle where the rescuer’s/giver’s self-worth becomes dependent on the dependent’s/taker’s reliance on them. The dependent/taker, in turn, grows more demanding and less self-sufficient, perpetuating the imbalance.

Psychological and Emotional Impacts

Codependency takes a heavy toll on the mental health and emotional well-being of both partners. The rescuer/giver often experiences:

• Low self-esteem and a poor sense of self (afraid of making mistakes and letting others down)

• Chronic anxiety and depression

• Feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy

• Difficulty expressing emotions and asserting boundaries

• Burnout from constantly prioritizing others’ needs

Meanwhile, the dependent/taker may struggle with:

• Arrested emotional development (when on is unable to fully develop emotional maturity due to trauma) and maturity

• Irresponsibility and impulsivity

• Difficulty coping with stress and challenges independently

• Substance abuse or other addictive behaviors

Is Co-Dependency Always a Bad Thing?
Here’s the thing, on the surface, co-dependency can look like devotion, loyalty, or even love. But when we dig deeper, it’s clear that it’s rooted in imbalance.

The Upsides (or what we think are upsides):

• You feel needed, valued, and purposeful.

• There’s an illusion of harmony because you’re the glue holding it all together.

The Downsides (the harsh truth):

• You’re burnt out, Sis. Carrying the load alone isn’t love…it’s a slow death of self.

• You’re enabling the other person to stay stuck, which keeps both of you from growing like you want or capable of doing.

• Your boundaries are nonexistent, leaving you feeling resentful and unappreciated.

How Co-Dependency Shows Up in Marriages of Faith
Faith-based relationships often come with added pressure to be “the good wife” or “a Proverbs 31 woman.” But let’s be honest, there’s a fine line between serving with love and losing yourself in the process. Women of faith, like us, are too many times guilted into staying in unhealthy dynamics because we believe it’s our “duty” and we said, “for better or worse”. They seriously need to take this ish out of the vows. It’s beating down and killing too many of us.

In my own marriage, I played the rescuer/giver. I worked overtime to fix problems, hold things together, and make things right, even when it was costing me my peace, my joy, and my connection with myself. I told myself it was my role, but the truth is, it was slowly breaking me. But where does it start? Or what’s an even better question is, when?

When doing marital counseling or counseling in general where there’s been sexual trauma, I often start in childhood. Why? Just to show where the issue really all started. Most often times, the thing the woman is struggling with didn’t start in the marriage or the romantic relationship they’re currently in. It often started (directly or indirectly) when they were a child.

My role as a rescuer started with the little girl in this pic…Little Me. 🙂 The little girl in this 80’s pic was the rescuer in a nuclear family dynamic of 4 which included my Dad, my Mom, my older Sis and me. When my Dad would physically abuse my Mom, that little girl would always run in to save her Mom. Yeah she would get beat up too, but every single time she heard yells, bumps up against the walls and then those high pitch screams and cries, this little girl went a runnin…to save and protect the woman who birthed her…from the man who created her. Why? I have no idea right now why that was in me to protect, but all I do know is that as I got older, I protected and rescued everyone. When I heard my Dad yell at my sister, I ran in to make sure he didn’t put his hands on her. As time we on, even my Great Grandmother told me that if anyone bothers my sister or cousins and I didn’t beat they ass, I would get my ass beat. I always wondered why no one ever noticed I was actually the youngest in these dynamics. Interesting. 🤔 

But this role I played went on in many ways, I protected and rescued me, my family and my friends. Everyone knew if “Tavia was around, nothing was going down”. So even tho I got into a relationship and eventual marriage with a man who protected me, I was rescuing this man as that was my role. That little girl had a unnecessarily tough life but she is proud of me today as I finally relieved her of that role she “seemed” born to play. We’ll talk more on that as we go along

The Harm It Causes (Especially for Women Like Us)
Co-dependency doesn’t just affect the relationship…it affects you.

• Loss of identity: You stop knowing who you are outside of the role you’re playing. Who was that little girl in that pic? A protector, a rescuer, a bully, a fighter…

• Emotional exhaustion: There’s only so much you can give before you’re depleted. This is one of the reasons why I separated and didn’t tell him why. Just left. We’ll talk more on that too.

• Spiritual disconnect: Instead of focusing on your relationship with God, you’re consumed by trying to “fix” your partner. In other words, the people you rescue, become your God because you are serving them. You sure you ready for this series? #Chile

• Self-worth struggles: You feel unappreciated, undervalued, and stuck in a cycle that never changes. No matter how confident I came off, this is the truth. My self worth was often based upon how well I rescued and protected/covered those I loved. Getting juicy ain’t it? 😉 

What’s Next in This Series?
This is just the beginning. In this series, we’ll uncover the truth about co-dependency and what it takes to break free. I didn’t want to overload you today with what can be a seriously heavy topic, but I gave you a taste as I’m going to take my time and break this down each Sunday. So, here’s what you can look forward to:

• Part 2: The Signs and Symptoms of Co-Dependency: Are You a Rescuer?

• Part 3: The Root Causes of Co-Dependency: Where Does It Come From?

• Part 4: Breaking Free: How to Heal and Reclaim Your Power

• Part 5: Building Healthy, Faith-Based Relationships: Love Without Co-Dependency

You don’t want to miss not one newsletter so really, stay tuned!

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Remember: Your life, your terms. Start living the story you’ve always imagined. If any of this resonates with you, reply back to this email and know that you’re not alone, and you don’t have to stay stuck. This series is for you because I’ve been there, and I know how challenging it is to break free. But sis, freedom is worth it. Especially freeing that little girl who’s been waiting on you to free her for way too long.

Stay tuned for Part 2 right here next Sunday.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋