The Rescue Trap: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Co-Dependency (Pt 3)

The Rescue Trap: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Co-Dependency

Part 3: The Root Causes of Co-Dependency; Where Does It Come From?

So let’s have a heart-to-heart, woman to woman. I know this journey to understand co-dependency can feel overwhelming, but I want you to know this: As I told you before, you are not alone. I’ve walked this road too.

The truth is, co-dependency doesn’t just show up out of nowhere in our adult lives. It has roots, deep ones, often planted in our childhoods. I’ve seen it in myself, in my marriage, and even in the way I moved through life before I said, Enough is enough. Let’s dig in and uncover where this all begins because understanding those roots is the first step toward freedom.

Where Does Co-Dependency Begin?

Co-dependency often starts long before we step into marriage or romantic relationships. It begins in the formative years, in childhood, when we’re trying to make sense of the world around us as it often stems from early life experiences, such as:

• Growing up in an environment where emotional needs were unmet.

• Living with a caregiver who was overly controlling, critical, or emotionally unavailable.

• Being raised in a home with addiction, mental illness, or dysfunction.

These experiences can create a belief system that equates love with sacrifice, caretaking, or dependency.

For me, it started with the little girl I used to be. That little girl who ran to protect her mom when my dad’s anger turned physical. That little girl who took on the weight of being the protector in a nuclear family of four; me, my dad, my mom, and my older sister. I didn’t just witness chaos; I stepped into it, trying to save my mom, my sister, and myself.

I was 4 or 5 in this one particular memory. My mom had sewn me a beautiful dress, and even as I look back, I can smile because yes, I was a cutie. But that little girl? She was also exhausted, emotionally and physically, from being a rescuer in a world where she should’ve just been a child.

When my dad would yell at and beat on my mom and I would hear her screams, no matter if I was sleep, I would get up and run right into the chaos. I didn’t think. I just went. Protecting my mom was instinctual, even tho it meant I’d get hurt too. And if my dad turned his anger on my sister, I’d step in there as well.

How Childhood Conditioning Shapes Us

Here’s the thing: That little girl grew up, but the role she took on didn’t just disappear. I carried it into adulthood, into friendships, into relationships and into my marriage. I became the fixer, the rescuer, the one who thought her value was tied to how well she could save everyone around her. And I know you can relate because many of us as women have been conditioned to think that’s what good women do.

But let’s break it down. What does this conditioning look like?

• If you were the peacekeeper: You learned to avoid conflict at all costs, even if it meant sacrificing your needs.

• If you were the fixer: You believed your worth was tied to solving everyone else’s problems.

• If you were the caregiver: You put others’ needs before your own, thinking love was earned through service.

Does any of this sound familiar? Because for many of us, the story of co-dependency didn’t start with the men we married or dated. It started with the little girl we used to be.

How does co-dependency impact relationships?

Co-dependency can:

• Lead to burnout and resentment from always prioritizing others over yourself.

• Prevent healthy communication and mutual support in relationships.

• Cause one partner to feel smothered or controlled.

• Perpetuate a cycle of enabling unhealthy behaviors, such as addiction or avoidance of responsibility.

Can co-dependency show up outside of romantic relationships?

Yes, co-dependency can manifest in friendships, family dynamics, and even professional settings. For instance, always being the go-to person for solving problems at work, or taking on a parental role with siblings or friends, can be forms of co-dependent behavior. I remember my Dad would actually call me and ask me to look something up for him online… 👀 He had the same access to internet that I did lol. Remember, my Mom was the rescuer in their marriage and he was the dependent so why not ask your own daughter who’s also a rescuer?

Faith, Culture and Co-Dependency

As women of faith, the weight of these roles can feel even heavier. We’re told to submit, to serve, to sacrifice and maybe not always directly but in many teachings of our roles in marriage. And while there’s beauty in loving with intention, there’s danger in losing yourself to it.

How many of us have heard phrases like, “A good wife sacrifices everything for her husband and family,” or been taught to, “submit to your husband as unto the Lord”? In faith-based communities, the message often feels amplified. It’s preached that being a godly wife means putting your family’s needs above your own at all costs. I mean we already giving up our last name, leaving form our family and cleaving to his, even giving up our careers, giving up or delaying our dreams so we can “help him meet” his vision, and even give up our sense of identity to fit the mold of the “Proverbs 31 wife.”

But here’s what we are not taught; that you can serve your family with love and still honor yourself. Losing yourself is not God’s design for love, and it’s certainly not His plan for you.

When co-dependency is masked as submission, the sacrificial love we’re taught to give as wives, often becomes one-sided. We’re told to prioritize “keeping the marriage together” and “standing by your man” above our mental and emotional well-being. This sacrifice can go as far as silencing our own voices, tolerating neglect, or even enduring harm because, as the church sometimes preaches, “God hates divorce.” I can’t tell you how many times this was thrown in my face during counseling sessions in the church. I can’t tell you how many times I was told this just from writing this newsletter to you to, “Go back to that man. Endure with him. Cover him in prayer. Don’t be the reason your family breaks up”.

And this dynamic is often magnified by cultural expectations that it is the wife who must be the backbone, the nurturer, and the fixer. We’re expected to pray our way thru every challenge in the marriage, to endure hardships in silence, and to downplay our own aspirations to elevate our husband’s vision and calling. These expectations are deeply rooted in historical struggles, where women (especially black women) carried the weight of entire households and communities during times of systemic oppression. That strength is both celebrated and weaponized, leaving little room for vulnerability or self-care.

These expectations and teachings can discourage women from seeking help, establishing boundaries, or addressing toxic dynamics in their marriages. But let’s ask this: Where does this leave the wife? Overburdened, underappreciated, and spiritually exhausted. Co-dependency disguised as submission convinces her that she must carry her husband emotionally, spiritually, sexually and even sometimes financially, while sacrificing her own joy, dreams, and sometimes her physical health.

Imagine a wife giving up her career to support her husband’s ambitions, only to later regret it. Or the wife who suppresses her voice to avoid conflict because she’s been taught that a godly woman “keeps the peace” or is to be his peace. This isn’t submission; it’s self-erasure. And it’s a heavy burden to bear, one that often leaves women asking, “Who am I outside of being his wife and their mother?”

The truth is, biblical submission has been misunderstood and misused to justify co-dependency. God calls for love, partnership, and respect in marriage; not control or sacrifice at the expense of one’s identity...the identity The Most High gave you. The problem is, when co-dependency takes hold, the balance is lost, and the wife becomes more of a caretaker than a partner. This imbalance is not only harmful to the wife but also to the marriage itself.

As women of faith, we must redefine what it means to serve and submit. It is not about losing yourself; it is about loving yourself enough to say, “I am worthy of love, respect, and balance.” True submission honors both partners equally and creates space for both to thrive; not for one to carry the other entirely.

Why Are You Afraid to Let Go?

This question, is at the heart of co-dependency. If you’ve ever felt trapped in the role of rescuer, you’ve likely asked yourself, Why can’t I just stop?

The answer often lies in control. When you’ve experienced trauma as a child, especially constant trauma, control becomes your safety net. You didn’t have a say in what happened to you back then, so now you cling to control in any way you can.

And here’s the thing: Being a rescuer isn’t just about helping others. It’s also about protecting yourself, protecting your heart, your environment, your sense of stability. You think, “If I can just hold it all together, nothing bad will happen”. But Sis, that’s not love. That’s survival. And we ready to move on from just surviving to thriving.

Reflective Questions:

Why do I feel the need to take care of others to feel valuable?

This often stems from a belief that your worth is tied to what you do for others rather than who you are. Exploring this can help identify whether it’s linked to past dynamics, such as needing to earn love or approval as a child.

What would my relationships look like if I didn’t take on a caretaker role?

Imagine relationships where mutual respect, independence, and personal boundaries are maintained. What would that feel like for you?

How can I begin to trust that I’m enough, even if I’m not “needed” by someone else?

Building self-esteem and focusing on your own growth and happiness can help you internalize your inherent worth, separate from others. (We’ll talk more on this next week).

What’s Next in This Series?

So this week, I wanted you to think about that little girl inside of you. The one who started rescuing long before you even knew what co-dependency was. What does she need from you now? What does she need to feel safe, to rest, to heal?

And stay tuned because Part 4 is coming your way: How to Heal and Reclaim Your Power. You don’t want to miss it as we’re diving into the steps to break free. It’s not always the easiest journey to freedom but it’s always a worthy one. Trust me on that. 😉 

Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

Does any of this resonate with you? Share your thoughts with me; I’d love to hear your story.

Need personal guidance right now? Set up a last minute one-on-one appointment with me and let’s uncover what’s holding you back. Together, we’ll craft a path to freedom and healing.

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Your support keeps this mission alive and thriving.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋

P.S. Have questions for me? Join me for Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV every Wednesday, and send your questions my way. Let’s connect!