The Rescue Trap: Freeing Yourself from the Chains of Co-Dependency (Pt 4)

Part 4: Breaking Free; How to Heal and Reclaim Your Power

Sis, you’ve been carrying this for too long. It’s time to put it down.

In this journey through co-dependency, we’ve uncovered the hidden traps, the subtle ways we slip into the role of rescuer, and the emotional toll it takes. But now, it’s time to focus on what matters most; your healing, your freedom, and your power.

I know breaking free isn’t often easy because it’s not as simple as just walking away or saying, “I’m done.” When you’ve spent years, even decades, wrapped up in this dynamic, untangling yourself can feel impossible. But trust me, it’s not. I did it, and you can too.

So let’s get into it.

Recognizing That You Deserve More

One of the biggest roadblocks to healing from co-dependency is the belief that your worth is tied to what you do for others. But know this, you are worthy just as you are. You don’t have to earn love through sacrifice. You don’t have to prove your value by fixing, saving, or rescuing. Love that requires you to lose yourself is not love. It’s bondage.

I know what it’s like to believe that love has to be earned through sacrifice. That your value is determined by how much you give, how well you fix, how quickly you rescue. I spent years defining myself by how well I could hold things together for others. I learned early that love and safety were often transactional, that being "good," "helpful," or "strong" kept the peace, protected others, and made me feel needed. But at what cost?

Because here’s what they don’t tell you: The more you make yourself indispensable, the more people depend on you and the less they learn to stand on their own. And before you know it, your identity is wrapped up in being needed, not in simply being.

Recently, a man DM’d me, wanting a chance to date, and one of the first things he said was, “I really need a woman like you in my life because I know you can help me become a better man.”

My response? “If you need me in order for you to become a better man, you’re already trying to make me a slave.”

He was taken aback. “A slave? No, not at all. I’m just saying you would be an asset to my life in every way based on what I’ve learned about you from your content.”

Me: “That means you would be a liability to my life if you need me in order to be better.” I shut that down real quick and ended the conversation. Point?

I’m so self-aware now that I can smell emotional labor, emotional dumping, and emotionally labor-intensive relationships brewing a mile away. Even when women hit me up wanting to chat, the moment I notice the conversation shifting toward them wanting my help in their relationships or sexuality, I send them the link to book a session. Those days of sitting, reading, and responding to paragraphs upon paragraphs of their issues in my inbox for free? Done.

I see this pattern show up in so many women, especially those of faith. We are taught to be selfless, to "die to self," to put others first. But where in that teaching does it say you should disappear? That your needs don’t matter? That love should leave you empty?

I used to think my ability to endure, to carry everything and everyone, made me strong. But I see differently now. The strongest thing I ever did was to let go. To accept that love that requires you to lose yourself is not love. It’s bondage.

Here’s the thing...this is exactly why I don’t believe in all the sacrificing and compromising when it comes to relationships. Sacrifice and compromise for what? Research has shown that sacrificing too much in a relationship, especially when done out of obligation or to avoid conflict, actually decreases relationship satisfaction. Why? Because when you constantly sacrifice, you’re suppressing your own needs and desires, and that breeds resentment.

And if you’re bending your boundaries to keep someone happy, guess what? You’re not in alignment with them. You’re just shapeshifting to fit their needs while abandoning your own. And let’s talk about compromise. The very nature of compromise means that two people don’t fully agree on something they both value, so one or both end up giving up a piece of themselves to make it work. And if you’re the one always compromising, always bending, always making yourself smaller…who are you even in this relationship?

What’s wild is, when we see people who refuse to bend their boundaries for others, we label them selfish. But what if they just refuse to betray themselves? What if they’re actually in alignment with who they are, and instead of calling them selfish, we should be asking ourselves why we feel like we have to give up pieces of ourselves to keep someone around? Because the truth is, research backs this up. Constantly sacrificing in a relationship can lead to a loss of identity, autonomy, and ultimately happiness.

Meanwhile, relationships thrive when both people are operating from a place of mutual respect, where their needs are met without self-abandonment. So no, I don’t believe in being a martyr for love. I believe in agreement which leads to alignment. I believe in choosing relationships where I don’t have to shrink, bend, break, constantly sacrifice, or continuously compromise just to make it work. And I stand on that because that is what I was doing for 20 years; giving, bending, making myself smaller to hold it all together. And I refuse to do it for another year, let alone a month or even a week or a day.

Because here’s the reality: love should not require you to lose yourself. Relationships built on mutual respect, understanding, and alignment don’t demand endless sacrifice. And if keeping a relationship means I have to betray myself, then that’s a relationship I don’t need.

And Sis, neither do you as you don’t have to live like that. You don’t have to prove your worth thru exhaustion. You don’t have to keep over-functioning while others under-function. You don’t have to be the glue holding everything together at the expense of your own well-being. You are enough, exactly as you are, without performing, without rescuing, without constantly sacrificing your own joy. Real love allows you to exist fully. It nourishes you, not drains you. It lifts you up, not weighs you down.

So let me ask you, is the love you're pouring out being poured back into you? Or are you simply surviving under the weight of it?

How Do You Start Breaking Free?

Healing from co-dependency is not about blaming yourself or anyone else. It’s about awareness, choice, and consistent action toward reclaiming yourself. Here are the key steps:

1. Identify Your Patterns and Acknowledge the Cycle

Take an honest look at how co-dependency has played out in your life. Ask yourself:

• When did I first start feeling responsible for others’ emotions and well-being?

• Do I find my worth in being needed?

• Have I sacrificed my happiness, peace, or dreams for the sake of keeping a relationship intact?

Once you see the pattern, you can begin to disrupt it.

2. Release the Guilt and Give Yourself Permission to Heal

For many of us, guilt is the biggest chain keeping us stuck. We feel guilty for setting boundaries, guilty for starting to say no, guilty for choosing ourselves, guilty for no longer being the one who holds everything together. But guilt is not the voice of love. It’s the voice of control.

Repeat after me:
“I am allowed to choose myself. I am fine with saying no. I am worthy of peace. I deserve to be loved for who I am, not for what I do for others.”

3. Set Boundaries Without Apology

Boundaries are not punishment. They are protection. If you’ve spent years rescuing, setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable at first. But discomfort is not danger. It’s just new.

• If someone is emotionally dumping on you, say: “I care about you, but I jus can’t take this on right now.”

• If a partner expects you to solve their problems, say: “I trust that you’ll figure it out for you.”

• If you feel the urge to step in and rescue, pause and ask yourself: “Am I helping out of love, or am I trying to control the situation?”

Boundaries are about teaching people how to treat you and teaching yourself that you don’t have to be everything to everyone. You can read more in detail about setting boundaries in my book 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex.

4. Stop Taking Responsibility for What’s Not Yours

Sis, you are not responsible for his emotional well-being. You are not responsible for making sure he feels good, safe, motivated, or fulfilled. You are not his therapist, his mother, or his savior. You are his partner, and partnership requires two whole people, not one person carrying the weight of the relationship alone.

This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I mean, for years, I thought being a "good wife" meant making life easier for him, making sure he was okay, and constantly stepping in to handle things before he even had to ask. But here’s the truth…when you’re always the one fixing, rescuing, and picking up the slack, you create a dynamic where the other person never has to step up.

When you stop rescuing, it forces the other person to step up, or not. Either way, that’s not your burden to carry. When I tell you I had to truly learn this…Girl!

I’ve witnessed changes in my estranged husband since our separation, and it’s clear to me now…he was always capable of doing those things himself. He just didn’t have to, because I was doing them for him. And that right there? That’s a tough realization.

So the real question is: If I had never left, would he have made those changes?

Not that that inherently matters now but I can share what I see. It may not be an intrinsic change he made for himself but more extrinsic. Meaning, it happened because I stopped doing it. And while yes, he’s made adjustments and is handling things on his own now, what does that really mean? It could mean that while the behavior changed, he hasn’t truly changed at his core. He’s just doing what he has to do because the safety net is gone.

But real growth, real change? It happens when you’re self-aware enough to see the areas where you need to evolve and do the work because you want to, not because someone else is no longer doing it for you. When you grow for you, no one has to tell you to do better, because you’re already holding yourself accountable.

So, ask yourself this…

Are you holding everything together for him in a way that keeps him from ever having to step up? Are you carrying the emotional weight of two people, hoping that one day he’ll just “get it”? Are you waiting on him to change, when the truth is, he’s only comfortable because you keep making it easy for him?

Because I’ll tell you what I’ve learned. The only way to see what someone is truly capable of is to step back and let them be responsible for themselves. When I look at this, I see what I’ve done since I left and I see what he’s done since I left. And honestly, that tells me all I need to know.

5. Reconnect with Who YOU Are

What do YOU love? What lights YOU up? What did YOU put on hold because you were too busy making sure everyone else was good?

Co-dependency strips us of our identity, but healing is about reclaiming it. Make time for yourself again:

• Journal about what you truly want out of life.

• Pick up hobbies and passions you abandoned.

• Spend time with people who pour into you, not just those who take.

Rebuilding yourself doesn’t happen overnight, but every step forward is a step toward freedom. I’m still on this journey, but I’m doing it without living with a husband. I’m doing what I love, and I’m doing it more consistently. Have I not been writing to you consistently? You know why? No more distractions from a grown man. 😆 

I was always pursuing my passions even when we were under the same roof, but there were things I put on hold, things I no longer hold back on now. I make time for myself. I have two days off a week just like everyone else, but on my own terms. And on those days, unless I’m feeling truly inspired to do something joyful, I slow all the way down and focus on rediscovering myself.

I’m back into my hobbies and passions, one of them being basketball. Yep, and now everybody who sees me playing wants to challenge me to a game. Trust me, they do not want what they’re asking for. As long as these knees hold up, they don’t stand a chance. 😜 

I just went to brunch with some friends, caught up, and had a great time. It was technically a workday for me, but I made time for them, and when we were done, two of us went right back to work while the other went on to her rendezvous. I love having friendships where we pour into each other, not just me always pouring out.

Yes, at one point, we had a co-dependent dynamic too, but it was a group of rescuers doing the work to get better. And that’s why these relationships still thrive.

Same goes for your marriage. You may not have to separate like I did. You might be able to do the work while staying married. But either way, it starts with what you decide.

Faith and Healing: God Didn’t Call You to Lose Yourself

For women of faith, this journey can feel even heavier. We’ve been conditioned to believe that self-sacrifice is godly, that being a “good wife” means enduring at all costs, that submission means silence. But let me tell you this. God never called you to be a martyr for a relationship.

Yes, love requires some compromise, and no I’m not talking about the compromise where one person has to sacrifice their values, needs, or desires just to keep the peace. I’m talking more about the compromise where alignment, understanding, and collaboration is involved and doesn’t require the erasure of self. Many women (especially in faith-based relationships) are taught that to "make it work," they must give up their autonomy, voice, and dreams in the name of love. That’s not compromise—that’s self-abandonment.

The real key to a thriving relationship is alignment—where two people share enough core values, visions, and lifestyles that they don’t have to keep "compromising" on things that truly matter to them. Instead of thinking, How much do I need to compromise to make this work? the question should be, Is this relationship already in alignment with the life I want to live? And this is how marriages and relationships are outgrown because how can two walk together unless they be agreed?

• You can honor your partner and still honor yourself.

• You can serve with love without being a servant.

• You can be a woman of faith without sacrificing your identity, voice, or peace.

What Happens When You Let Go?

When you finally release the role of rescuer, everything changes. You feel lighter. You breathe easier. You stop waiting for someone else’s happiness to determine your own. You stop over-explaining, over-apologizing, and over-giving. You become YOU again…whole, worthy, and free.

I won’t lie and say it’s easy. But, sis, isn’t it time?

Next week, we’ll dive into how to build healthy, balanced relationships moving forward without slipping back into old habits. Because honey these men can be charming when they realize they losing their grip on you. And it’s not necessarily them but that pattern that’s had its grips on you both for so long that is is not tryna go quiet into the night.

And if you’re ready to do the work, my Breaking Free from Codependency: 3-Session Coaching Package is open just for you. In these sessions, I help you Release, Reclaim & Reinvent Your Relationships, Without Losing Yourself.

Get your package now so we can begin untangling the patterns holding you back, strengthening your boundaries, and creating the freedom, confidence, and fulfillment you deserve, just as I did.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

P.S. Got a question for me? Join me on Wednesdays for Q&A with OEV! Send me your questions, and let’s talk. See you there!