The Separation of 2009 vs. The Separation of 2024: My 1st Christmas Being Separated

A Tale of Two Separations

This Christmas feels different. It’s my first one being separated from my husband, and while I’m soaking in the lights, the laughter of my children, and the warmth of the season, there’s a quiet undercurrent of reflection. You see, this isn’t my first time navigating separation…it’s my second. 

The first, back in 2009, was brief and turbulent. This one, in 2024, feels like a chapter of intentional growth. The contrasts between these two seasons couldn’t be more stark, and I want to share them with you…not just to reflect, but to inspire you as you navigate your own seasons of change.

1. The Separation of 2009: Turbulence and Reconciliation 

A Christmas Not Yet Separated

Back in 2009, the separation came suddenly, fueled by arguments over job loss and money. I was pregnant with our third child, who would be our first son, while raising our two toddler daughters ages 1 and 3. He walked out during an argument while in the parking lot of our youngest’s doctor’s appointment, leaving me to grapple with the weight of it all.

What followed was a whirlwind of church counseling and efforts to reconcile. At the time, I believed in the couple (the Pastor and First Lady) guiding us through this process. They were compassionate, empathetic, and well-meaning but, hindsight is 20/20. They weren’t equipped to truly help us. Their focus was on holding me accountable for following “the submission plan” while offering him empathy and grace for his struggles as a Black man.  

I absorbed their perspective and worked on myself, believing that my expectations of him had been too high. I carried the burden of rebuilding us, pregnant and determined. I launched Truly Faithful, the brand we dreamed up together, setting everything up while unknowingly coming upon my third emergency C-section.  

After the reconciliation came the birth of our son in 2010, which I saw as a representation of our marriage being reconciled at that time. It seemed like we had overcome the storm, but deep down, the roots of the issues remained unaddressed, ignored, and lying dormant, waiting to resurface.

2. The Separation of 2024: Growth and Intentionality

A Christmas Fully Separated

Fifteen years later, I’m walking through another separation, but this time, it’s different.  

All our children are born now, and they are fully aware of what’s happening, at least to their understanding. This time, it was me who chose to leave, and once again, the children remained with me. There’s no reconciliation on the horizon, and I can confidently say that won’t change unless certain things happen, things I won’t compromise on. So yall can stop asking 😂 (altho it will be a question I answer in detail in Wednesday’s Q&A, so don’t miss that).

Unlike in 2009, I’m not a rescuer anymore nor am I consumed by the need to fix things. I’m watching my life unfold in unimaginable ways, embracing each phase of this journey for what it reveals and how it pushes me to grow. With every step, something new is exposed that must be pruned for me to ascend to the next level. Like…I cannot go/grow until it’s addressed and resolved.  

3. The Lessons These Separations Have Taught Me

A Tale of Rescuing and Reclaiming

Both separations were transformative, but they taught me vastly different lessons.  

a) 2009: The Rescuer Mentality

When I married in 2004, I was already a rescuer, a trait I had embodied long before we ever solidified our marriage. So by 2009, I was in full rescuer mode in every area of my marriage and life. My husband unknowingly developed a pattern of laying all his emotional burdens and work challenges on me to solve. When he was fired from his jobs or tired of them and ready to leave them, I either helped him find another job or helped him formalize a business plan for the business adventure pipe dream he was about to go all in on. When issues arose at his work, I came up with solutions. This dynamic became our norm: he would dump his emotional labor onto me, and I would not only carry it but resolve it.  

On top of that, I was doing emotional labor for everyone in my life, including family, friends, the household, and all the new people who came into my life over time, while also trying to manage my own emotions, so it’s no wonder I eventually reached my breaking point. This level of mental and emotional exhaustion caught up with me in 2019 in the form of my first ever panic attack. My mental health was under siege from every direction, and I didn’t even realize that I had made myself into a savior for everyone around me.  

b) 2024: The Reclamation of Self

This time around, things are different. I have learned to put up boundaries to protect my peace and my mental health. Now, when I receive texts or communication, I pick apart the messages and only respond to what I deem necessary or I don’t respond at all. I no longer entertain emotional baggage, especially from my husband. I have texts where I’ve responded only to facts, leaving the emotions in the cyber-text world.  

Submission, as often taught, has taken advantage of many women like me. The Bible doesn’t teach us in detail about emotional baggage, codependency, emotional manipulation, or financial abuse. These topics are barely addressed in churches, but they are destroying us from the inside out. Submission, without balance or accountability, leads to women losing themselves under the guise of being a wife of obedience.  

So now when I respond to only the facts of what’s said or texted and not any of the emotions or insults, I’m noticing the results that he’s stepping up in ways he never did before and actually showing up in a way that isn’t detrimental to my well being. Because now he’s being forced to carry his own emotional baggage as I’ve stopped answering the call to. Every time I experience a trigger or moment of discomfort, it feels like The Most High is saying, “Right there, that’s the thing I want to remove.”  

I’m coming out of this as pure gold. This separation is teaching me how to win, not against him, but for myself.  

4. Celebrating Christmas in a New Space

Promises Kept and Joy Found

This Christmas, my youngest son’s long-held wish for a Christmas tree in a bigger space came true. After months of wondering how we’d make it work in the tiny one-bedroom apartment me and my children were staying in, we moved into a bigger place just days ago.  

It’s not the first dream-home we came from, but it’s where we are now. And for that, I’m grateful. I promised my children we’d have a tree, and we do. I promised them we’d be moved out before Christmas and we are. I promised myself that this Christmas would be filled with joy, and it will be and actually is. I didn’t know how any of this was going to happen, I just knew that it was. In fact I ordered a tree only to find when the children were meeting their father to leave for the day that he had brought one with him and set it up with them. Shoooo I don’t have to be the hero. I got my money back. I said we’d have a tree not necessarily that it would come from me. 😂 

The way this new place came about was pure manifestation. I’m beginning to notice just how powerful I am when it comes to this. I didn’t have to lift a finger in making it happen. I simply said it and it was. Is it ideal? If all this had happened before and you asked me this then, I would easily and quicky said “hell no”. But today, I say yes it is ideal as I am on a journey to leaving behind a life I have always known. I’ve been living a life of a codependent emotional baggage claimer and it’s time for that life to end. So each time I get to a new phase of my life, more of that dwindling life is exposed so there can be pruning in order to grow and go to the next level.

Yes I have a dream home in mind, fully designed and ready to move into. But if I skip and get straight to the dream home, I would lose it again as I did the other things because I didn’t get the pruning I needed at each step. See, I used to be the woman who chased her dreams and chased the nice things she wanted in life and I would get them. But I wouldn’t keep them because my identity was that of a chaser. Which meant, once I chased and got what I desired, the chase was over and so was maintaining and keeping it, so I would lose it. Don’t you see? I was the woman who got the houses, the cars, the marriage and then I lost the houses, the cars and even the marriage, right before my and your very eyes. But if you look closer now, you’ll see that with all this pruning and growth going on, I’m leaving from being the women who chased the good life and kept losing it and instead becoming the woman who already owns the good life. Did you get that? Stay with me, you will. 😉 

5. How You Can Navigate Your Own Season of Change

Lessons from My Journey

1. Embrace Your Journey: Every phase, no matter how painful, has something to teach you. If you learn nothing else from all of this, let my journey be the teacher for you until you do. Be open to the lessons. My new place is bigger with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and better in some ways, with more of a family-style community vibe than the hustle and bustle of downtown Dallas. I manifested it. But honestly, it’s not a place I ever thought I’d choose to live until now. I’ll share more on that very soon ( 📍 ). I started this journey with me and my children staying with someone five states away for almost two months, even though I originally said I needed three months. Then I manifested a small 1-bedroom, 1-bath apartment in downtown Dallas, where we stayed for 3 ½ months, just as I’d planned to make it till the new year. Now, I’m in this current place, and according to my manifestation schedule, this will be a short move too. But I’m good with that because I’m embracing each phase, no matter what comes with it. I’ve noticed that at every place I’ve been so far, I’ve given a timeline for how long I’ll need to be there to focus on my next moves, but I’ve always left before that time. It means I’ve been getting things done quicker than I anticipated, which allows me to move forward sooner than I planned. It also shows that I’m learning what I need to faster as well. These journeys often take as long as it takes you to learn the lesson you need to at that phase in order to move forward. And at every single phase, I’ve learned so much about who I was, who I am now, who I’m becoming, and so much more.

2. Let Go of Rescuing: You are not responsible for fixing anyone but yourself, and even then, it's important to remember there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of us. We’re simply navigating dynamics we mainly learned in childhood when we had no choice but to adapt to them. So now as adults we have to become more conscious on the pivots and changes we need to make. And one thing I know, to change anything externally, it must first change internally. This is where therapy, coaching, and similar resources come into play. If I can seek professional help to renew my mind and work on myself internally for a better external life, then so can he, you, and any other capable adult. And this is how I know I’m done with rescuing. I can’t even stomach coming up with a plan for a grown man again. I get paid to help ladies strategize their love and sex lives, but what I’m not gon’ do ever again is use my skills and gifts to become a rescuer for anyone. Last I checked, therapists are still available to help all of us thru our emotional baggage. Let the rescuing go, boo. I did.

3. Focus on Growth: Use this time to rediscover who you are and what you need. One of the things I absolutely love about being separated is having no interference from him when I’m working on me. As wives, we often feel obligated to answer the beck and call of our husbands, and most of the time we don’t mind doing it. But when you’re a rescuer, it becomes overwhelming because you’re constantly stopping in the middle of what you need to do to help them and others. By the time you get back to yourself, you’re completely drained. Now, I actually get to focus on my growth. I literally spend hours each day, yes I said each day, working on me and my growth. I get my steps in, speak my thoughts out loud, write on my phone, and make the necessary calls to those who help me gain clarity on triggers, feelings, emotions, perspectives, and so much more. I absolutely love this because before, I was constantly interrupted by a call or text from him about his issues that needed immediate resolutions. Yes, he was needy in certain areas, but a rescuer loves and attracts needy people, so it makes sense. These days, if he does send a text about his issues, I don’t even check or respond until I’ve gained clarity on something I need or until I’m in the right mental space to respond, if I respond at all. I’m so focused on my growth that I don’t answer many texts unless they directly influence that growth. It’s nothing personal towards anyone, but no one, and I do mean no one, is coming between me and my growth. And I encourage you to be the similar. We’ve got this life, and we’ve allowed so many to interfere with our growth that it became stunted and stagnant. Well, I’m here saying no more. Focus and get that growth. It’s how you become better for you and then for others, and I can tell you, it’s a beautiful thing.

4. Redefine Traditions: Don’t be afraid to create new ways to celebrate that reflect your current reality. Traditions don’t have to look the same as they did before, and that’s okay. Sometimes letting go of the old opens up space for something even more meaningful. Maybe you start a new tradition of cooking a special meal with your kids, taking a short trip to a nearby town, or even just sitting together and sharing what you’re grateful for. Things are different for all of us now so both my husband and I are making new traditions separately with our children. While he comes and takes them out to eat and to a movie each weekend, I find news ways for them to learn something new together. The key is to embrace where you are now and create moments that feel authentic to your journey. Remember, traditions are meant to bring joy, not pressure. So let them evolve with you.  

5. Find Joy in the Now: Even when things aren’t perfect, there’s always something to be grateful for. If I must say so myself, I have been embodying gratitude so deeply that I don’t even know how not to be thankful for just about every single thing. And I’m not joking. I’ve found joy in things I never even thought about before, things I used to overlook or take for granted. Gratitude has truly shifted how I see everything in my life. Like popping pearls in a new drink. I’m grateful it tastes good and brings a smile to my face. Hangers. I know, right? But I’m serious. I’m grateful for them because they symbolize that I get to hang up clothes in my new place, in my own closet, one that I no longer have to share with all of my children. 😆 Okay, I do allow my sons to park a few things in there, but other than that, it’s almost back to being all mine. I’ve found so many reasons and things to be grateful for that it has become second nature, so natural, so fast, and so easy. I now see this has been the obvious secret all along. The more grateful I am, the quicker things manifest for me, and I’m talking genuine gratitude. The first time I heard someone call me genuine was in October, and I was like, “Hey… I really am genuine.” Next thing I know, they fixed my busted window. This was after some bad ass kids 😆 decided to bust the window out of my truck in the parking garage where we lived in downtown Dallas.

I rode around for two weeks with hurt feelings and a busted window taped up until someone stepped in and got it fixed for me. Do you know how it really got fixed? I believe gratitude. Even tho I didn’t understand what the hell.. I still found a way to find joy and gratitude in it. I didn’t even ask anyone to fix it either, and the person who fixed it? I didn’t even know them. I told you I am powerful at manifesting (as are you), and one of the reasons why is because despite everything going on in my life, I focus on finding ways to be grateful. This is such a shift from what I used to do, constantly trying to find ways to rescue those who dumped all their emotional baggage on me.

6. Trust the Power of Pruning: Growth often requires letting go of what no longer serves you. When something triggers you or feels exposed, lean into the discomfort and ask what needs to be removed. Most times, you’ll already know.

Leaning into discomfort means not avoiding the things that challenge you or make you uneasy. It’s about recognizing that the things that stir up those deep, uneasy feelings are often the areas that need your attention the most. It’s uncomfortable because it’s growth, and growth stretches you. It’s like pruning a tree. You cut off what’s dead or no longer serving the health of the tree so that it can grow stronger, fuller, and more vibrant. When we lost the house and had to move into hotels and Airbnbs, I felt exposed in every way possible. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and questioning everything. But instead of running from those feelings or numbing them, I sat with them. I had to ask myself the hard questions. What did I need to let go of? What was holding me back from creating the life I wanted? Tho I didn’t get it right away, when I did a few months later after everything was blowing up even worse around me, I realized it wasn’t just the house I needed to release. It was the version of me that believed stability had to come from holding onto things or relationships that no longer fit. It was like I knew it was time to let go of my marriage and stop trying to fix it. I swear as a rescuer, we be tryna rescue every damn thing…the man, the marriage, the money, the most. Like ma’am…you are not his or anyone’s God. How are you out here tryna save every damn thing but you? We will talk more about this character trait coming soon.

Leaning into that discomfort taught me to stop trying to save everyone else while neglecting myself. It taught me that pruning isn’t about punishment. It’s about preparation. It’s about making room for something better, something healthier, something aligned with the version of you that you’re becoming.

So, when something triggers you, don’t shy away from it. Get curious. Sit with the discomfort, listen to what it’s trying to tell you, and trust that removing what no longer serves you is clearing the way for your growth. That’s the beauty of pruning. It’s not about loss or pain. It’s about creating space for new life.

7. Redefine Submission: Submission doesn’t mean tolerating everything thrown your way. True submission is about aligning with your purpose and values, not losing yourself to someone else’s agenda.  We’ve actually been taught that submission means putting everything about ourselves aside for the sake of our husbands because they are our heads. But let’s be real…true submission isn’t about letting someone bust thru or break down your boundaries just because you’re married to them. Marriage doesn’t give anyone a free pass to disrespect or dismiss what you stand for. Submission, in its true form, is about partnership, not ownership. It’s about aligning your actions with your purpose and values while honoring your beliefs and boundaries. You can redefine submission based on your own beliefs, boundaries, and core values…even within marriage. Yes, even if you’re married. Your husband doesn’t get to override your God-given intuition, your emotional well-being, or your personal boundaries just because he’s your husband.

Submission, when redefined, becomes an act of mutual respect and alignment. It’s about two people working together while still honoring their individual identities and values. It’s about saying, “I’ll submit to what aligns with my purpose and beliefs, but I won’t sacrifice my boundaries or who I am to serve someone else’s agenda. We’re done with losing ourselves. We’re done with letting anyone, including our husbands, dictate who we are or what we’re called to do. Submission can be a beautiful thing when it’s rooted in respect and mutual alignment, not control and conformity. Let’s redefine it together and show that you can honor your marriage and yourself at the same time. That’s the submission that needs to be embraced.

Conclusion: A Season of Growth

This Christmas, I’m choosing to celebrate growth. It’s not about the decorations, the gifts, or even the tree…it’s about the person I’m becoming and the life I’m creating for my children and me. If you’re in a season of change, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Growth is messy, but it’s always a message that comes with the messy and it’s also always worth it. Let’s continue walking this journey together.

Final Thoughts

If my LOEV Letter today resonated with you, I’d love to hear your story. Reply to this email and let me know how you’re navigating your own season of change.  

Looking for guidance? Book a session with me to explore how you can embrace growth in your love life and find peace in your journey.  In an extra giving mood this holiday? You can bless me for blessing you right here.

Also, share this newsletter with someone who might need encouragement during their own season of change. Let’s spread all this love together.  

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋