Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #15: My Faith Says No, but My Body Says Yes. How Do I Honor My Faith While Longing for Sex and Intimacy at 38 with No Suitor in Sight?

This week’s question:

"How do I honor my faith while longing for sex and intimacy at 38 with no suitor in sight”?

Context: “I don’t want to be celibate anymore. I don’t feel like it’s serving me. And honestly, I don’t believe The Most High would put me through this, knowing that I deeply desire sexual connection in a real relationship.

I read your newsletter on The Power of Touch, and whew. It unlocked something in me. I hadn’t even realized how much I was starving for intimacy; not just sex, but to be held, to be touched, to feel warmth and connection with a man who truly sees me.

I actually called my ex. I don’t even know why, I just needed something. He came over, hugged me, nothing inappropriate, just a real, warm embrace. And when he left, he hugged me again.

This time, I held on longer.

I almost broke down in his arms because it felt like everything I had been missing. And he noticed. He even said, “I can hug you longer if you need me to.”

And I did. But eventually, I let go. And when he left, I just sat there… asking myself:

What am I doing?
What do I even want anymore?

Because here’s the thing…I’ve had men approach me genuinely wanting to get to know me. And the moment they mention they find me sexually attractive, I instantly shut it down.

I was always taught that if a man says that, it means he’s only after sex. But I’m realizing… that’s not always the case. There are men who actually want a real relationship with me, but they’re also letting me know they’re sexually attracted to me too.

That’s not a bad thing, right?

Then why did I spend so many years believing it was?”

Sis, let’s unpack this.

First, let’s start with this: You are not wrong.

You are not wrong for wanting to be held. You are not wrong for desiring sex. And you are certainly not wrong for wanting a relationship that includes deep intimacy, passion, and commitment.

But let’s break this down a little further because there’s a lot going on here.

1. It’s Okay to Desire Sex & Intimacy; You Were Designed for This

Your desires are not a test from The Most High. They are a part of you…a beautiful, natural part of being a woman.

The issue isn’t the desire itself. The issue is that, for so long, you’ve been conditioned to believe that acknowledging your sexual needs makes you weak, sinful, or desperate.

None of that is true.

This isn’t about wanting meaningless sex. This is about craving real, deep connection in a way that honors your mind, body, and spirit.

And that’s perfectly fine.

2. Is Celibacy Still Serving You?

This is a big one. And I want you to sit with it for a second.

You made a choice for celibacy based on faith, conviction, or maybe a past experience that made you feel like it was the safest option. But the real question is…does this choice still feel right for you?

Because faith evolves. Perspectives shift. And sometimes, what once felt like the right path may no longer align with where you are now.

And I’m not saying that means you have to throw your faith out the window and go have sex somewhere, but it does mean you have permission to reassess without compromising your faith, boundaries, and core values.

Let’s talk about this deeper: Book a 1:1 Intimacy Struggle Session

3. Not Every Man Who Wants You is Just After Sex

I need you to really hear this one, sis.

Somewhere along the way, we were taught that if a man expresses sexual attraction, it means he only wants one thing.

But here’s the truth:

My estranged husband expressed his sexual desire for me in several ways before we got married, while also being very intentional in making me his wife. Point?

We really gotta stop punishing men for wanting to sex us… I mean, are we not fine asf anyway?

Of course, they should WANT to sex us and desire us. They are MEN.

But they should also want to show up for us in the version of themselves that aligns with what we want.

The question isn’t if a man is attracted to you. The question is:

✔️ Does he also want to build a committed relationship?
✔️ Is he showing up as the man you need him to be?
✔️ Does he respect your boundaries, your faith, and your vision for your love life?

If the answer is yes… then sis, why are we still running from that?

4. How Do You Navigate This Without Compromising Yourself?

If you’re questioning celibacy but also don’t want to jump into something misaligned, here’s how you can find clarity:

✔️ Define What You Truly Want
Do you still want to wait until marriage? Do you want a committed relationship where sex is present? Do you need a deeper connection first? Get clear on what feels aligned for you and your faith.

✔️ Own Your Desires Without Shame
The next time a man tells you he’s attracted to you, instead of shutting it down, try asking: “And what else?” See if he follows up with something deeper.

✔️ Allow Yourself to Experience Safe Intimacy
Not every touch has to lead to sex. You can allow yourself to be held, to be close, to be seen…without guilt.

And you are certainly not wrong for desiring the kind of love and intimacy that The Most High designed you for.

Look...

Ever fallen asleep with a potential suitor while watching a movie, where you’re sitting together, laying on his chest, and he has his arm around you? Then you wake up saying you gotta get home (or him leaving your home, whichever), and there was no sex, but there was such fulfillment?

And you both know you want more?

Was that not fire?

Did y’all not text afterwards sharing your feelings on how much you enjoyed the night? Yes!

You realize… you just want that all the time, except without anyone going home, and with the night possibly ending with sex.

And there ain’t nothing wrong with that.

I’ll be talking more about this in detail via video.

Click here to get premium access to watch it upon release.

Final Thoughts

Sis, I see you. I hear you. And I know this is a lot to process.

You are not wrong for wanting more.
You are not wrong for questioning.
And you are certainly not wrong for desiring a love that feels safe, intimate, and deeply connected.

What’s next? That’s up to you to decide. Determine what you want and make it happen.

Just remember, you don’t have to figure it out alone. I’m here if you want to reach out.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Hit reply and let me know where are you in your journey? Have you ever struggled with this tension between faith and desire? Talk to me. Until next time…

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

P.S. Not only is this the last Q&A for free subscribers but this is also a taste of what my premium subscribers get every week; if you want full access, upgrade now. If you need deeper guidance in navigating celibacy, sexual frustration, or intimacy on your terms, I have 1:1 coaching sessions available. Book yours now.