Wednesday's Q&A with OEV

Hi AWOL Lady!
Welcome to the very first Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV! This is a space where I dive into your questions about love, leisure, pleasure, and everything in between. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and letting me be part of your journey.

This week’s question:

“Hi OEV! Is it normal to know that you absolutely love your spouse and little family you’ve expanded together, but still often wish you could go back to a life that existed before”?

Context: “I like being a homemaker because I get to be the one who cares for my 2 little ones and can be there fully for my teenager whenever she needs. I also get to support my hubs. I love making a great life for my husband and kids. I often say my goal is for my kids when they older (and my husband always) to KNOW I didn’t just love them but that I enjoyed them. And that they’d have a childhood that they wouldn’t need therapy for in adulthood. While all of that is true I also often miss the days when it was just my 1st born and me (we often gushed about “just us girls living a fun life just us two”), and I had this great career with this great leadership role in this great company making great money. Some days/moments I miss it so much that I am reduced to tears. Then I wipe those tears, wash my face, leave the bathroom, and go play with my littles, dance with my teen, and hug my husband”.

My Answer:

Thank you for sharing your heart with me. First, let me tell you this: You are not alone. What you’re experiencing is completely normal and deeply human. Loving the life you’ve built with your family doesn’t erase the person you were before, or the dreams, experiences, and independence that shaped you into the amazing woman you are today.

It’s okay to miss your past self. That version of you, with her career success and “just us girls” bond, was living a different season and a beautiful one at that. And that season helped lay the foundation for the life you have now. Missing her doesn’t mean you don’t love your family or your role as a homemaker. It simply means you’re acknowledging all the parts of yourself.

Think about it this way: the longing you feel isn’t a betrayal of your current life…it’s a reminder. A reminder that you’re still allowed to dream, to nurture the parts of you that exist outside of your roles as wife, mother, and homemaker. Those pieces of your identity are still there, waiting for you to invite them into this new season. And the things is, I can actually relate as I’ve been there.

I remember loving to staying home with my children and watching them grow while my husband came home to us. There was just no warmer feeling at that time. But I also remember feeling as if I was missing out on who I was before the children, before the marriage and before all these life commitments I had. That is why 2016 was such a pivotal year for me as that was the year I re-claimed her. The her I was before marriage and children and started brining her along this life I had created with a man and children. It was the first year I actually traveled without my children and husband and instead travel alone or with friends. I began to have outings that had nothing to do with my family or my work…just out being her. And I loved the fact that my home was still good even when I wasn’t there. So trust me…I get you.

So how can you navigate this balance?

1. Honor Your Feelings:
   When those moments of longing arise, don’t feel guilty about them. Instead, acknowledge them as a natural part of growth. Missing your past doesn’t mean you want to give up your present. It just means you’re reflecting on what mattered to you then and how those feelings might inspire you now.

2. Create Space for “You” Time:
   Find small ways to connect with the version of you that you miss. Is there a hobby, interest, or something like a side project that lights your fire? Maybe even something tied to your past career or maybe something completely new? Giving yourself permission to have time for you doesn’t take away from your family. No, it actually enriches the woman they love. And I can tell you that first hand. 😉 

3. Blend the Seasons:
   Who says you can’t have both? Maybe you can bring a little of that career-driven energy into your life now by doing something you love like mentoring others whether in person or online, volunteering in your area, or even brainstorming a future venture when the timing feels right for you. Small steps can help you feel like your past and present selves are coming together and collaborating rather than competing.

4. Practice Gratitude and Reflection:
   Girl you have really created something beautiful here…a life filled with love, joy, and connection. Take time to reflect on how that’s really a continuation of the woman you were before, not necessarily a departure from her. She’s still with you, shaping this season in ways only she could. She’s been showing up…if you miss her, she misses you too and just wants you to unleash her…at least a lil bit anyway. 😆 

5. Finally, give yourself some grace. The distance between longing for the past and living in the present is part of being a complex yet, evolving woman. You can hold space for both without diminishing either. Remember, this is your life even as a wife. They key to AWOLing your life is to be A Woman Of Leisure no matter your status. Women of Leisure still take care of home too. 🙂 

You’re already showing your family how much you love and enjoy them, and they’ll feel it in everything you do. But also remember, the best gift you can give them is a mother and partner who also loves and enjoys herself. Even now, my children are always excited when I come back from an outing loving me before I left and loving me still when I returned happier and refreshed from some adult stimulation. 🤗 

Since this question was a bit loaded, that will be the only question I answer today. But…do you have a question you’d like me to answer in a future Wednesday Q&A? Then go ahead and send them in as I’m going in order that I receive them. I’d love to hear from you as well and know that there’s more to come. Your questions are what make this community thrive, and I’d love to hear from you.

Until next week,
Keep embracing Love, Leisure, and Pleasure unapologetically. You’ve got this! And don’t forget if you are looking to explore sensual self-care, as I said in my previous LOEV Letter, I’ve curated tools in my Amazon store to help you connect with your body in an empowering way (this is the correct link this time. Sorry about that). You can also book a private one-on-one session with me to dive deeper into this topic, answer your questions personally, and receive personalized guidance tailored to your journey of desire while single, separated or divorced. And for my Cyber week special, you can get $100 off your session now.

Are you finally ready to embrace love, leisure, and pleasure unapologetically? Then head to my Amazon store to pick up sensual self-care tools or book a private session with me to discuss how to navigate any issues you’re having in your current relationship or relationship status or your sexual energy with grace and empowerment. Remember, you get $100 off your session for cyber week only. And if you just want to bless me for blessing you thru my writings, you can do so here.

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS: Today, I’m grateful for this beautiful community and the trust you place in me with your questions. Let’s keep growing together! I’m still basking in the glow of gratitude so, I decided to share.