Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #11: "He Basically Wasted Six Years of My Life and Never Proposed and Now He’s Marrying Someone Else? How Do I Stop Feeling So Angry"?

This week’s question:

“How do I get to a point where I am not so angry after the six years he wasted of my life”?

Context:

Octavia, I was just hit with the news that my ex, who treated me horribly, just got engaged. I didn’t even know he was with someone else. This man literally used and abused me in so many ways. He would take my car and drive other women around in it, bring it back with no gas, and borrow money from me that he never repaid. Though I wouldn’t say he was physically abusive, he would get physical with me…pushing me when I would try to leave after he accused me of cheating yet he was the one cheating.

Now that he’s engaged, I’m hearing he treats her so well, yet he constantly mistreated me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I am angry and hurt that I was good to him, and he couldn’t be good to me, but now he’s being good to her. To make it worse, I’m even hearing he’s paying for the wedding when he still owes me money. I could scream and have a mind to show up at his wedding and cause wahala.

I don’t even know the question to ask you because I’m so angry. But how do I get to a point where I am not so angry after the six years he wasted of my life that I can’t get back and never even proposed, yet five months after we broke up, he proposed to someone else?

Answer:

First, let’s acknowledge the depth of your anger, hurt, and betrayal, because you have every right to feel it. There is no quick fix, no magic answer that will erase the pain overnight. This isn’t just about a breakup; this is about years of emotional manipulation, betrayal, and the unfairness of seeing someone who mistreated you now seemingly become a better man for someone else. It’s gut-wrenching, and you need to feel every bit of the emotions coming up right now. Feel the hurt. Feel the rage. Feel the disbelief. Suppressing it or trying to be “the bigger person” before you’ve processed the depth of your emotions will only delay your healing.

1. You Were Not Inherently the Problem, But You Must Ask Yourself Why You Stayed

While the way he treated you was entirely on him, the truth is, we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. This isn’t about blaming yourself—it’s about empowering yourself with self-awareness. Why did you continue to allow him access to your time, energy, and love after he repeatedly disrespected you? Why did you believe he would change after each betrayal?

This is about your self-concept…your inner beliefs about your worth, what you deserve, and how you allow yourself to be treated. Your relationships are always a mirror, reflecting what you subconsciously believe about yourself. If you deeply believed you were worthy of love, respect, and reciprocity, you would not have allowed someone to repeatedly mistreat you without consequence.

Now is the time to shift that belief system. Instead of focusing on why he was so awful, ask yourself, why did I accept this treatment for so long? This is not about regret; it’s about using this as a turning point so that you never find yourself in this position again. And let me also ask…is this really the man you wanted to marry after the way he treated you? 👀 🤔 

2. His “Transformation” Might Not Be Real But It Don’t Matter

It’s easy to believe he’s suddenly a changed man because of what people are saying, but remember, you lived with his reality, not just his public image. Just because he’s doing things differently now doesn’t mean he has truly changed. Many men show up as their “best selves” in the beginning of new relationships, especially when they are trying to prove something and their truest selves when deeper in it. You don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors. But…let’s say he really is treating her differently and better. It could be because she does not tolerate what you did.

Listen…for so many years, I was angry at how my Dad had treated my Mom when they were married. That anger intensified when I saw how he treated his second wife vs the way he had treated my Mom. The abuse, the disrespect, the cheating and more he did when it came to my Mom yet…he didn’t do any of that with his second wife. Once I was at their home visiting and I was observing them as they got into an argument right before my eyes. I was preparing myself for that man I always knew to show up, start yelling, cussing and physically abusing this woman. I started gathering my things to leave just in case and yet, none of that happened. What I saw instead was this woman showed him who she was and he remained calm as if he had always been this calm man.

When people say that cliche’ (which is why I loath the use of most cliche’s), that he’s going to do to the next woman the same thing that he did to you or that if he cheats on you, he’ll cheat on her too and things like that, I can tell you first hand that is not always true. This woman had boundaries my Mom just didn’t have. And either my Dad was gon’ respect her boundaries or he was gon’ have to go. She was not putting up with anything outside of her boundaries and I saw it first hand. My point is that no matter how he is treating her, you have to look in the mirror and ask why you allowed him to cross your boundaries and mistreat you.

3. Process the Anger Instead of Letting It Consume You

Right now, your anger is justified, but don’t let it become an anchor that holds you to the past. Rage is a natural response when you’ve been wronged, but the danger is letting it rob you of your future peace. Here’s what you can do:

• Write a letter to him that you NEVER send. Spill every ounce of anger, betrayal, and frustration onto paper. Or, with the right counsel, they may be able to help you craft a letter/email that you actually do send without expecting a response. I have done both and got the satisfaction I desired by doing so.

• Go to a rage room. Release the frustration in a physical way.

• Talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or mentor who will listen without judgment. There’s several things you can do here to process the anger you’re still holding onto.

4. Closure Will Not Come From Him; It Must Come From You

The hardest truth? He will likely never give you the closure you crave. He may never fully acknowledge the hurt he caused, and he may even gaslight the situation by acting as if he was never that bad. You must decide that closure is something you will give to yourself. Closure is not a conversation; it’s a decision to no longer give someone access to your peace. Let me say that one mo gin…Closure is not a conversation; it’s a decision to no longer give someone access to your peace. 

5. The Best “Revenge” is Thriving

It’s tempting to want him to suffer, to see you move on in a way that makes him regret everything or even go up in the wedding and cause some problems. But honestly, what will that prove? True healing doesn’t come from proving anything to him; it comes from living a life so full, so beautiful, so happy that he becomes a distant, irrelevant memory. Shift your focus back to YOU. Pour into your goals, your joy, your freedom, and your future. Let your healing be the thing that sets you free from the weight of this pain.

Final Thoughts

You are allowed to grieve. You are allowed to be angry. But do not let his actions define your future. You may feel or see it as wasted years of your life that you lost because you can’t get that time back but, you can reframe all this. Instead of looking at this as waste or loss, you could choose to see that you Learned in 6 years who you were then, who you are now, what you will not tolerate and what you truly desire. I talk about this in my book 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex on how if the relationship doesn’t work out, you get to decide whether it was a Loss or a Lesson. Seeing it as a loss focuses on what you no longer have but seeing it as a Learn focuses on what you actually took with you from that relationship. When seeing it that way, he can’t steal your peace, your joy, or your ability to move forward, because remember who decided to end it and why. Now decide what you truly desire and have that instead! 😉 You got this boo. And if you want to dive deeper, set up a private 1:1 Help Me in My ‘Ships n SexLife Session now while they’re still available.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (O.E.V.) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

P.S. Want More truth, More depth, and More of what I don’t say anywhere else? 💜 Upgrade to She’s AWOL: Unfiltered now for just $4.99/month for premium content. Join 100 women who also signed up where I take you behind the scenes of my personal journey; love, liberation, sex, success, and everything in between. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s where I share the unfiltered truths I can’t put anywhere else. If you love my free She’s AWOL LOEV Letters, then She’s AWOL: Unfiltered is where you get the real, uncensored, uncut version of me. Ready to go deeper? Unlock She’s AWOL Unfiltered for just $4.99/month before the price doubles March 1st.

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