Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #12: "After 12 Years of Marriage, My Husband Secretly Took a Second Wife. How Do I Even Begin to Process This?"

This week’s question:

I am struggling with what this means for my marriage, my faith, and my future. How do I move forward without compromising my values and my peace?

Context:

I have been married to my husband for 12 years, and while we come from different faith backgrounds, we’ve built a strong and loving marriage. I am Nigerian, he is Arab, and when we married, I understood that his culture and faith allowed for polygyny, though I never believed he would actually take another wife. For over a decade, he never expressed any interest in doing so and has always been good to me. We built our life together as if this was never a possibility. His three brothers all have multiple wives, but he never showed any inclination toward this lifestyle. We have two children, he runs the family business with his Dad, and I am financially stable in my own right.

Recently, he traveled back home to visit his parents for two months, and when he returned, he revealed that his father had arranged a marriage for him, and he had taken a second wife during the trip. I was completely floored. His father led the way in this arrangement, with full support of his mother. I am beyond angry at his parents for interfering in our marriage and making this decision without my knowledge. My husband insists that I knew this was always a possibility, but I feel blindsided and betrayed.

To complicate matters further, his new wife is now pregnant, and he wants to take our children to visit her. My family is somewhat upset about this situation, though not as much as I expected. I can’t help but wonder has my husband sinned in doing this? I am struggling with what this means for my marriage, my faith, and my future. How do I move forward without compromising my values and my peace?

My Answer:

First, your emotions in this situation are completely valid. While your husband followed the expectations of his faith and culture, that does not negate the deep shock and pain you are experiencing. This situation is not just about religious and cultural differences; it’s about the expectations, trust, and emotional investment you built over the years. Your experience is complex, and it’s okay to feel a mix of emotions, including grief, anger, confusion, and even uncertainty about what happens next.

Honoring Your Feelings & Faith

As a woman of faith, marriage is a sacred covenant built on trust, love, and partnership. While polygyny is accepted in several religious and cultural contexts, that does not mean you are obligated to feel at peace with it. Faith does not call us to suppress our emotions or pretend we are unaffected. Instead, it encourages us to seek wisdom, discernment, and guidance in moments of uncertainty.

1. Reaffirm Your Beliefs & Boundaries – You have the right to reflect on what marriage means to you and how this new development aligns with your values. While you were aware of polygyny as a possibility, it was not something you actively agreed to in your heart. It is important to communicate openly with your husband about your emotions, your expectations moving forward, and what you need to feel secure in this new reality.

2. Your Husband’s Actions & Sin – Polygyny was widely accepted in Bible days, the bible and even still today it’s practiced and was practiced by many righteous men in the bible, including Abraham, Jacob, David, and Solomon. Nowhere in the New Testament is it explicitly ruled out, tho monogamy became the more common practice. This means that your husband is not necessarily in sin, but this does not mean you must accept this arrangement if it goes against your values and emotional well-being. What matters most is whether you can move forward in this marriage with peace and clarity in your heart.

3. Protect Your Peace & Emotional Well-Being – The introduction of a second wife does not diminish your worth or the years of commitment you have poured into your marriage. You do not have to rush to make decisions or force yourself into acceptance overnight. Take the time to process all this, seek support from trusted faith leaders in your life and mentors and therapists who can help you navigate your emotions without external pressures.

4. Navigating Family Dynamics & Your Children – Your children’s well-being is a priority, and it is understandable that you would have concerns about them visiting their father’s new wife. This situation will require intentional discussions about how to best support them in understanding the changes within their family. You have every right to establish boundaries and expectations regarding what you are comfortable with when it comes to their exposure to this new dynamic. Your husband’s decision impacts the entire family, and it is important that these transitions happen in a way that prioritizes the emotional safety of your children.

Moving Forward with Wisdom & Strength

This is not a call to immediately accept or reject the situation, but rather an invitation to seek clarity on how you want to move forward in a way that aligns with your faith and personal values. You are not powerless in this situation. While your husband made a choice that deeply affects your marriage, you still have agency in how you navigate this journey.

Instead of focusing on what has already happened, focus on what you can control…your peace, your emotional well-being, and the stability of your children. Open and honest communication with your husband is essential, as well as setting clear expectations for how you want to move forward.

This is not about advocating for separation or ending of the marriage, but rather about ensuring that you are honoring yourself in this process. Faith teaches us that even in moments of deep confusion, we can find clarity, strength, and peace thru divine wisdom. Trust that in time, you will find a path forward that aligns with your heart and spirit.

Final Thoughts

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story. This is a moment for deep reflection, faith, and wisdom. Take your time, seek support, and most importantly, allow yourself the grace to navigate this transition in a way that protects your heart, your children, and your faith. I can only imagine how difficult this may be for you, but I also know that we as women of faith…when difficulty arises, we do tend to rise to the occasion along with it. And if you want to dive deeper, set up a private 1:1 Help Me in My ‘Ships n SexLife Session now while they’re still available. Be encouraged.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (O.E.V.) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

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