Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #13: "Why Did You Stop Believing in the Permanence of Marriage"?

This week’s question:

Hi OEV. Why Did You Stop Believing in the Permanence of Marriage

Context:

I remember you used to have a strong view of marriage being permanent. You taught on it, backed it with scripture, and really stood on that belief. I didn’t hear very many people teaching on permanence the way you did. But years later, I found that you no longer believe in it. What happened? Why did you stop holding a permanence view of marriage? Why are you no longer helping women stay in their marriages? It seems like you’re telling women to leave their marriages or separate. Why did you change up and where do you stand now?

My Answer:

Where I Stand on Marriage Now

First, let’s be clear…I am still pro-marriage. That has not changed. I still believe marriage is the foundation of strong families and strong communities. But what has changed is that I am no longer just pro-marriage; I’m pro-healthy marriage. And there is a difference.

For years, I believed in the permanence of marriage because I saw it as something you don’t walk away from, no matter what. I believed that with the right tools, communication, faith, and commitment, two people could find a way to make it work. But here’s the thing: when I started coaching more women, listening to more stories, and living thru my own experiences, I couldn’t ignore what I was seeing.

Too many women were suffering in silence. Staying in marriages that were draining them emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Staying in marriages that were one-sided, where the husband was thriving while the wife was often carrying the entire weight of the relationship. Staying because they were told that being a "good wife" meant enduring, even if it was at the cost of their well-being.

I started asking myself things like:
At what point does "staying committed" just become another way to say "self-sacrifice" at your own expense?

And when I started looking at the numbers, things became even clearer.

Marriage Benefits Men More Than Women And Divorce Benefits Women More Than Men

Research shows that marriage overwhelmingly benefits men more than women:

✅ Married Men tend to live longer and healthier lives than their single counterparts.
✅ Married men report higher levels of happiness compared to single men.
✅ Men gain more emotional support and stability from marriage.

Meanwhile, women:

❌ Report higher levels of stress in marriage compared to their single counterparts.
❌ Often carry the majority of the emotional and domestic labor, even when/if they work full-time jobs.
❌ Are more likely to experience declines in mental health when in unhappy marriages.

And when it comes to divorce?

📈 Women tend to recover faster and thrive after divorce, while men are more likely to struggle emotionally, mentally, and even financially.

📈 Women initiate nearly 70% of divorces, and in college-educated women, the percentage jumps even higher.

Now, I’m not saying marriage is bad or that women shouldn’t want to be married. But what I am saying is this:

If marriage is supposed to benefit both partners, why do the stats say otherwise? ( 📍 )

Why I No Longer Believe in the Permanence of Marriage

For me, it’s simple. I don’t believe in keeping people locked into something that’s harming them.

I used to see marriage as something that should last forever, no matter what, “till death do us part”. But now, I see marriage as something that should last as long as it is serving both people well. That doesn’t mean abandoning it at the first sign of trouble. But it also doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself at the altar of “forever” and “till death”.

I have sat with too many women who were breaking under the weight of marriages that no longer served them, and I could no longer, in good conscience, tell them to stay just because marriage is supposed to be permanent.

Yes, I still believe in strong marriages.
Yes, I still believe in commitment.
Yes, I still believe in relationships that are nourishing, fulfilling, and aligned.

But I do not believe in staying just because leaving is “not an option.”

And let’s be real…marriage as we know it today is not what marriage was when the permanence doctrine was first created.

People are living longer than they ever have before. Women no longer have to stay for financial survival. And most importantly, we now know that divorce doesn’t have to be a death sentence. It can actually be a path to freedom, healing, and a healthier life.

So Where Do I Stand on Marriage?

I am pro-healthy marriage.

✅ If your marriage is good, thriving, and fulfilling, I support it.
✅ If your marriage is struggling but both people are willing to be intentional about healing and growing together, I support it.
✅ If your marriage is toxic, abusive, or draining the life out of you, I support your right to walk away.

I’ve never told a wife to walk away from their marriage. I tell women to choose themselves. And sometimes, choosing yourself means taking the necessary steps to restore and redefine your marriage. Other times, it means walking away from it, as I did.

But at the end of the day, it’s your choice.

Only you know what you’re willing to carry and what no longer serves you. Only you know if your marriage is something that can be restored or if it’s something that’s keeping you stuck. The truth is, marriage isn’t about suffering in silence or proving how much you can endure; it’s about mutual love, respect, and fulfillment. I have a detailed video sharing way more on this for my premium subscribers. So look out or that tomorrow.

If you’re in a marriage that feels more like a weight than a partnership, and you find yourself questioning what’s next, you don’t have to figure it out alone. Let’s talk.

→ Book a 1:1 session with me here and let’s get clear on whether you’re staying because you truly want to or because you feel like you have to.

Because forever should never come at the cost of your peace as you have been called to peace.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

P.S. Just a reminder that I have a more in depth video on this for my premium subscribers. Look out for it tomorrow.

✨ Join She’s AWOL: Unfiltered – Where I go even deeper on topics like this!

🔗 Book Your 1:1 Session Here – Get clarity on your marriage and your next steps and