Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #14: "What’s the Point of Marriage If 20-Year Marriages Are Ending?"

In partnership with

This week’s question:

"What’s the Point of Marriage If 20-Year Marriages Are Ending”?

Context:

Hi OEV. I just saw your Reel on your Instagram and it really broke my heart. I had no idea this was going on, so I clicked the link and had to sign up immediately. I’ve been following you for over a decade, and I don’t know how I missed this, but I was wondering why I hadn’t seen anything from you in a while. When I would check your page from time to time, I didn’t see anything.

Then, once I signed up and started reading your newsletter, I couldn’t believe you had been writing and sharing your heart the entire time. Right here. And I had no idea. I hadn’t seen it. But now, I’m heartbroken.

I have to ask you this question, though…How does a 20-year marriage come to this?

I remember you always talking highly of your husband, marriage and family, and when I started reading some things, I just couldn’t believe this was the same people I had watched online for over a decade. You guys were real marriage to me.

And now this? How does that help give me faith in marriage and a mate?

Because I really did think you guys were the perfect couple. Not because you were perfect, but because you were imperfect and didn’t try to hide it. And that meant so much to me because, where I’m from, people pretend. Couples pretend. But you didn’t.

Were you guys pretending too at some point too?

My Answer

Hi Love. Ahh the Reel. (BTW if you want to see that Reel, click here)

Now let’s get into it.

So first, I’m actually sorry you are heartbroken. I’m sorry I let you down…honest. I guess I didn’t think about any of this when I was leaving. I realize that while I don’t think anyone should be putting couples on pedestals, I do realize I started that in my marriage by putting him on one…which wasn’t a good example. If any crow I have to eat, it would have to be that.

Now…let me tell you what I’m not sorry for…leaving, doing what’s best for me and sharing my story. Because the same way I shared my story when I truly believed all was good, is the same way I’m sharing it now when that’s not good anymore. I’m so unapologetic in that.

But let me tell you…there was a time when I was very happily married; in spite of the things that were going on. I believed what we were experiencing were normal marital problems.

The thing about normal marital problems is this: If they’re never resolved, they’re no longer normal.

Now, they’re abnormal, dysfunctional, and even toxic to a degree.

And honestly, it’s hard for me to even look at my marriage and see it as any of those things. Abnormal. Dysfunctional. Toxic.

It’s hard for me to say that because I remember being happily married.

But now that I’ve lived thru it…lived thru it…as in what you got a highlight of…I can look back and recognize what it actually became.

There’s another word I didn’t say in the video, but I’ll say it now.

Tormenting.

That’s what it eventually became to feel like.

It wasn’t just the money issues, the instability, the frequent jobs lost, it was so much more than that.

One of the hardest things? When we were no longer sexually aligned.

Now that was hard.

Not that we couldn’t have amazing sex, because that we could and would. But it became fear-based.

I could no longer lay down and have sex with my own husband in peace.

Why?

Because I was afraid. Afraid? Yes. Afraid of getting pregnant.

I talk about this fear in-depth with my premium subscribers, where I shared exactly how this sexual issue played out in my marriage. I was just so damn afraid of getting pregnant again.

My body carried five children into this world for you.

I stayed home for you. I built this life for you.

I sacrificed so much willingly, for you.

And while I didn’t mind, not one bit…because that was my choice…one day, I woke up and just began to see how comfortable he was in our marriage no matter what was going on.

And that’s a dangerous place for a man to be.

I’m in the middle of making a detailed video on this for my premium subscribers where I go even deeper. They’ll get it this week inside Join She’s AWOL: Unfiltered].

If you’re not a premium subscriber yet, go here and join so you’ll be able to watch it when it drops.

Because what I shared on Instagram was just a drop in the bucket of what was really going on.

"But I Thought He Was a Good Man?"

Listen.

I meant every single thing I said about him before.

I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t pretending. Neither was he. I can say we were for real about our marriage.

All those times I wrote on him and us, I genuinely believed my marriage was everything I wanted it to be.

I put him on a pedestal because I truly believed he was an amazing man.

And honestly?

I still think he’s a good man.

I just no longer think he’s a good man for me.

And if that sounds sad to you, that’s okay. It actually sounds sad to me too.

But in life, we outgrow things.

The truth is, the main reason we ever outgrow anything is because it no longer aligns with us.

What is Alignment?

Alignment is when two people’s values, beliefs, desires, and goals are in sync, creating a life that flows together without constant resistance.

When we outgrow a friendship, it’s not just because we don’t care anymore; it’s usually because we’re no longer in alignment.

And you cannot force alignment.

I used to tell you often:

"You don’t have to agree on everything in marriage, but the most important thing is that you agree overall."

The problem is, we stopped agreeing overall.

There was evolution and began to see life differently.

Not in a way that made one of us bad or wrong, but in a way that made us no longer in sync.

And when alignment is gone; when it’s no longer there…you can feel it.

And I know I felt it.

And I also know that I’m not alone in this.

Are We Putting Marriage On Too High a Pedestal?

Maybe.

Maybe that’s why so many people feel devastated when they see a long-term marriage like mine end.

I wrote a newsletter not too long ago called "Why Couple Goals is a Trap."

If you haven’t read that yet, go back and read it because this is why we have to stop putting marriages on pedestals.

Too many people did that with me and him, not realizing that people grow.

People evolve.

And sometimes, when they evolve, they stay together.

And sometimes, when they evolve, they don’t.

And that’s why I always say:

"I’d rather have longevity and happiness in marriage than longevity only."

Because I know plenty of people in 20+ year marriages who have the longevity but they don’t have the happiness. I wasn’t willing to be one of them.

And I didn’t realize that when I was saying these things, they would be for me. I had a tendency to notice things in others’ marriages that I didn’t think was in my own. Boy, was I not all the way right on that.

What Is Longevity Mixed with Happiness in Marriage? What Truly Makes a Marriage Last?

Longevity in marriage means nothing if happiness is absent. Plenty of couples stay together for 20, 30, even 40 plus years, but if we peel back the layers, how many of those years were filled with true joy, alignment, and fulfillment?

Longevity mixed with happiness is not just about staying together. It’s about thriving together. It’s about a partnership where both people feel deeply seen, respected, and nourished emotionally, mentally, and physically. A long-lasting marriage that is also fulfilling requires:

✅ Alignment Over Just Commitment – Commitment keeps people together, but alignment keeps them happy. You don’t have to agree on every little thing, but you do need to share core values, desires, and a vision for the life you’re building together. If you evolve in opposite directions and stop aligning, longevity becomes a prison instead of a choice.

✅ Mutual Fulfillment – Both partners must feel fulfilled, not just one. Many women have been conditioned to sacrifice their happiness for the sake of longevity, believing that as long as the marriage lasts, it’s successful. But a marriage works only when both partners are consistently experiencing love, joy, and growth.

✅ Emotional and Sexual Compatibility – A marriage isn’t just about love. It’s also about how you connect emotionally, physically and sexually. A lack of intimacy or an emotional disconnect can lead to resentment, loneliness, and a slow drift apart, even if the marriage itself doesn’t technically end.

✅ Adaptability and Growth Together – People evolve, and if you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart. The couples who last happily are the ones who allow space for one another’s personal growth while still nurturing the relationship. I did have this for the most part of my marriage I can say. But sometimes the weight is not on the years together but on the bullshit you’ve had to endure for the latter years.

✅ True Partnership, Not Just Roles – Marriage is not just about traditional roles or duties. It’s about choosing one another every day. It’s about shared responsibilities, shared dreams, and knowing that you are both building something meaningful together, not just fulfilling obligations. Choosing one another daily is easy many days and challenging others.

So, what truly makes a marriage last? Love is a foundation, but it’s not enough on its own. A lasting and happy marriage requires alignment, fulfillment, compatibility, growth, and a true sense of partnership. Otherwise, longevity without happiness is just endurance, and that is not a life well lived. I used to strongly believe Love was enough to make it. Wrote about it too…then changed my mind that more than just love was needed and wrote about that as well. (I wrote about every damn thing)😆 

I used to think all you needed was Christ…but then I woke up to all the marriages ending who have Christ all up and thru their unions. I even used to say marriage was work. I don’t know if I even believe that anymore, but I do believe marriage is alignment, joy, fulfillment and peaceful overall even with the bumps in the road.

I remember years of being up many nights weathering the storm while he would sleep right thru them. And I would always ask, “How can you sleep knowing (this about to happen, that’s about to happen etc.) And yes, I know our circadian rhythms were different, but I could never understand how anyone could sleep so peacefully thru destruction and chaos that many times he caused. And we even argued about that too. lol

“Love Should Be More Than Just Longevity; It Should Be Liberating"

At the end of the day, marriage is about more than just lasting, it’s about thriving. You deserve a relationship that doesn’t just stand the test of time but actually feels good while you’re in it and I deserve and desire that too. Longevity without joy is just endurance, and neither you nor I were were created to endure love; we were created to experience it fully. Remember that.

If this email resonated with you, I want to invite you deeper into these conversations inside She’s AWOL Unfiltered. That’s where I go beyond the surface, where we talk raw and real about love, intimacy, alignment, and what it truly means to create a fulfilling, liberated relationships and more.

👉🏾 So let me ask...What do you think makes a marriage last? Reply to this email and let me know your thoughts. I really do look forward to hearing from you on this.

 Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

P.S. Oh and one last thing…try your best not to build your dreams of marriage on the success or failure of others’ marriages. You want an amazing, hot n spicy, loving marriage that thrives? Then go get that girl. Because even tho I’m not going back to mine, I can say for the most part, I enjoyed it. Also…when I married in 2004, I knew more people divorced than married and took the leap anyway. And I do NOT regret my decision. 😉 

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