Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #16: "Why Doesn’t My Husband Desire Me"?

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This week’s question:

“Why doesn’t my husband desire me”?

Context: “Octavia, I’m trying to hold it together but I feel so broken.
I’ve been married for four years. My husband compliments me and tells me I’m pretty, beautiful and he loves my heart. He hugs me, kisses me, and shows affection. But not sexually if you know what I mean. Deep down, I don’t feel desired.

I recently found out he’s been sexting other women…sending dick pics, receiving explicit pictures and videos, and exchanging sexual messages. These women are mostly from his social media and live far away. No signs of physical cheating, but the emotional and sexual betrayal is deep. I feel so crazy.

What makes this worse is, I recently noticed…the women he engages with don’t look like me at all. They’re built differently. More curvy, more sensual. And the things he says to them? Sexual things. Bold things. Things he’s never said to me in our entire marriage.

I confronted him and he apologized. Said it was just flirting. Promised to stop. But he didn’t. He’s still doing it. When I went to him again about it, he assured me that it’s just a thing he does as a man and it’s nothing serious and said I was overreacting.

Now I don’t even want him to touch me. I feel ugly. Unseen. Rejected. I’m questioning everything. I’m wondering why he married me if I’m not what he wants.

Why doesn’t he desire me”?

Sis, first let me say this clearly:

You are not crazy.
You are not overreacting.
And the pain you feel is real.

This is more than just a bruised ego. This is a psychological rupture. And what you’re describing is something the Church rarely, if ever, talks about. But it needs to be exposed.

Your husband is showing signs of what’s called The Madonna-Whore Complex.

And if you're one of my many Premium Subscribers, you’ll be getting a full video breakdown on this soon. Because this issue is silently impacting the sexual and emotional well-being of so many women of faith.

What Is the Madonna-Whore Complex?

The Madonna-Whore Complex is a psychological split where a man categorizes women into two extremes.

The Madonna is virtuous, nurturing, pure, maternal. She’s the woman he marries, respects, and raises a family with.
The Whore is erotic, uninhibited, and sexually expressive. She’s the woman he fantasizes about, flirts with, and uses for gratification, but often cannot emotionally connect to.

Men with this mindset struggle to desire the women they love and struggle to love the women they desire because in their minds, those two roles can’t live in the same person.

This isn’t just an issue for secular men. In fact, it thrives in faith-based spaces where purity culture, silence around sexuality, and traditional gender roles have been preached for generations. I’ve been counseling women on this for years in 1:1 Sessions where when we first start, ladies are so confused as to why their husbands even married them if they weren’t sexually attracted to them to begin with.

And unfortunately, women like you…sacred, committed, loyal wives…end up carrying the cost of this complex while wondering, “What did I do wrong?”

3 Clear Signs This Is the Madonna-Whore Complex

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