Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #17: Is It Wrong That My (Sexual) Healing Came Through 'Friends with Benefits' and Not Celibacy as a Single Woman?

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Hey Love!

My apologies to getting this to you late. April 2nd has always been a challenging day for me since I lost my Mom on that day a few years back. But this year it was a bit more difficult and caused me to delay in getting this to you. But I’m happy to say, 📢 IT’S HERE NOW! So Let’s Geaux!

This week’s question:

Is It Wrong That My (Sexual) Healing Came Through 'Friends with Benefits' and Not Celibacy as a Single Woman of Faith?

Context: “OEV, I need to ask you something…and please be honest with me.

I had a situationship/friends with benefits; not a relationship, not a marriage. It wasn’t casual to me, but it also wasn’t fully committed. We had a connection and there was sex. A lot of it. And the thing is, I came out of it… healed.

Like, actually healed…sexually

I had been carrying so much sexual trauma after being molested as a child then raped by a family friend. When I shared with those in church, there was spiritual shame only to find out this ‘family friend’ had done it to another woman in the family. So there’s also been generational silence and I began to stay away from men altogether. Until…I met ‘him’. Though I was afraid at first, during this connection with him, something shifted. I felt safe in a way I hadn’t felt ever. I felt seen. I felt heard. I felt wanted but not used even though he wasn’t my husband or was ever going to be. It wasn’t just sex. There was deep intimacy. Emotional. Physical. Spiritual.

And now, even though the situationship is over, I can say with my whole chest: I am healed. Not perfect. Not married. But healed. Sexually healed.

Here’s the thing though… I still feel a little bit of guilt. Because everything I was taught says that kind of healing shouldn’t come from sex. That if I wasn’t married, then it couldn’t possibly be real or God-approved.

But it was. I just know it was.

I still desire marriage. I still want a God-centered love. I’m not out here being reckless. But I also can’t deny that this man…those moments…that experience helped me in ways therapy, prayer and church could never.

So my question is this: Is it wrong that my sexual healing came through intimacy… and not celibacy? Does that disqualify me from being a wife? From still wanting the real thing? Or can both truths live together; my healing, and my hope for more?

Whew chile…

Sis, I hear you. And I see you.

You said the situationship a/k/a ‘friends with benefits’ is over now.
You said you’re actually sexually healed…more whole, more grounded, more in your body than ever before.

But the guilt? Whew.

That part is still lingering.
You’re wondering if it was real. If it was valid. Let me tell you something…

First, thank you for your transparency. Thank you for having the courage to share as you did. I am so very sorry you had to even endure this at all…especially as a child. But let me the first to tell you…I believe in your healing because healing is not cookie cutter.

I too have been sexually healed before. Before and after marriage. Let me say that again for the people in the back with their judgements.

I too have been sexually healed before I got married, and also inside my marriage.

Now pause right there, because I know others reading may have just got stuck on that word: before. And I know why…because many who would hear this are probably okay with the idea of me or even you experiencing sexual healing inside of marriage. Many are fine with that. But the moment a woman of faith shares that her sexual healing started before marriage, many will start twitching and pulling out Bibles to highlight scriptures they often don’t even understand in full context.

So let me go ahead and push you a little further.

If the way your healing happened somehow disqualifies you from what you still desire like love, marriage and life partnership, then what does that say about the nature of healing itself? About The Most High who doesn't just sit in sanctuaries but moves thru human connection, thru safety, thru touch, thru truth? What if your healing didn’t disqualify you at all? What if it qualified you even more?

I’ve never been shy about sharing that I’ve been sexually healed before.

Now I know some people hear that and immediately panic. “Sexual healing” outside of marriage? Oh no.
But let me slow this down for you…and anyone else reading who’s ever carried guilt for the way you got whole.

Would it make a difference to them if the man who helped me heal was the one I eventually married?
Would it soften the judgment?
Would they say, “Okay well at least she married him”?

What if I didn’t?
What if that healing came thru someone else; someone I didn’t marry, who helped me feel safe in my body again?
What if the man I eventually married only continued that healing journey?

And what if that’s how healing actually works sometimes?

Now let me come back to you for a moment.
You said you had a situationship. It’s over now.
But in that situationship, something real happened.
You were seen. You were touched in ways that didn’t violate you but helped you remember you still had desire, aliveness, sensuality.

And even if it didn’t end in marriage...
It ended in something powerful: you were healed.

That’s not something to be ashamed of, sis. That’s something to hold tenderly.

You didn’t “fall.” You rose.
You didn’t “fail God.”
You reconnected with the sacred parts of your body that trauma tried to bury.

I want to say this plainly:
If you were hurt sexually, it is not unreasonable or ungodly to be healed sexually too.
In fact, that might be the very kind of healing your body needed.

See, this is where y’all lose me. You hear "sexual healing" and immediately your mind goes to sin. You don’t hear healing. You hear fornication. You hear sex outside of marriage. You hear ungodly.

But let me remind you of something: The Most High is not limited to your rulebook.

What I said was: I got healed! Just as you did.

When I do share my story and even you sharing yours now, too many so busy clutching pearls over how we got healed that they’re missing the glory in the fact that we did get healed.

I had been raped…brutally at that. And by pastor’s kid at that. Sexually assaulted by a pastor. Violated by people I trusted. By Men who were supposed to protect me.

I was hurt sexually. So guess what? My healing came sexually.

That’s where I lose folks. But I’m not afraid to say it.

The same way a man harmed me sexually…another man came along and healed me sexually. Not just physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Intimately. Gently. Lovingly.

And it wasn’t perfect. It wasn’t always linear. But it was real.

So many in the church are out here telling women like me to “heal first” before entering another relationship. And while I get the sentiment, I also need you to understand something:

Most of our healing comes thru people.

And that’s what you’ve experienced.

Yes, therapy is beautiful. Yes, God can do miraculous healing in solitude. But never discount how many times healing comes thru safe, loving, affirming connections with another human being.

And if that healing happened thru a man, thru sexual touch, thru deep intimacy that you might not understand, does it make it any less holy?

Let me ask you something.

If I was hurt sexually, why is it so hard to believe that I’d need to be healed sexually too?

Why is that the line some won’t cross?

In your healing…in that friends with benefits…

Something real happened.
And now you're sitting with the question:
“If I’m healed... why do I still feel guilty?”

I’ll tell you why…

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