Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #18: “He Said He Wants to Choke Me During Sex...Should I Be Concerned?”

This week’s question:

“He Said He Wants to Choke Me During Sex…Should I Be Concerned?”

Context: “Hi Octavia,

I need your insight on something because I don’t know if I’m overthinking this or if it really is something I should slow down and take seriously.

I’m engaged to a good man. A really good man. He prays with me, he covers me, and we’re planning to get married this June. We’ve talked about sex openly, and while we did slip up a few times, we made the decision together to stop and wait for the full experience until our wedding night. I’m proud of that. I’m proud of us.

But recently, during one of our honest conversations, he said something that caught me completely off guard. We were talking about what we both like, things we’re curious about, and just trying to be transparent about what kind of sex life we want to build. And then he said it:

“I want to choke you during sex. I want to pull your hair.”

I didn’t feel scared as he’s never been aggressive with me nor did I feel he was pressuring me.
But I did freeze because I didn’t know how to respond.

I’ve heard of things like that before and I know it’s common. But I’ve never really heard believers talk about it, not in a serious way. And I definitely didn’t expect to hear it from someone like him. He’s not out here in the streets. He’s intentional. He’s covering me. He loves God. So now I’m wondering:

Is this normal now?
Is this okay for us to explore as Christians?
Is this part of that “marriage bed is undefiled” teaching?
Or is this something I need to pause and think through before I give an automatic yes?

I don’t want to be judgmental or sexually closed off.
But I also don’t want to agree to something just because it’s trending or because I’m trying to prove I’m open-minded enough to be a wife.

I really just want to know…
Is it okay to want this? Is it okay to not want it? And how do I even respond to this kind of request in a healthy, God-honoring way?

Can you help me make sense of this?

Part 1: When Did Choking Become Normal?

Well alrighty then! 😆 OK…let me behave cuz hunty…lol.

Sis, you are asking an honest question from a place of curiosity, clarity, and care.
You’re not trying to be edgy. You’re not trying to be naive. You’re trying to understand how to approach desire with intention without compromising your values.

This kind of conversation doesn’t usually happen in Christ-centered spaces.
But it should. And I’m glad you brought it here.

Let’s unpack it.

We’re living in an era where what used to be kink is now casual.

Kink: unconventional sexual preferences or behavior

So sex acts that were once reserved for underground BDSM rooms are now mainstream… and often expected.

BDSM: bondage, discipline (or domination) sadism and masochism (as a type of sexual practice).

Sexual choking and hair-pulling are no longer rare.
They’ve become trending behaviors, especially for men under 40.

Why?

• Because just being real…porn made it look normal as did popular books and movies. (50 Shades anybody?).

• Because culture stopped talking about connection and started selling performance. (Nothing wrong with performance sex btw).

• Because we don’t have enough safe, faith-centered spaces to ask what’s okay…and what may not be personally. (But I got you tho. Coming soon. 😉 )

So now, even women of faith are faced with questions like:

• Is this dangerous?

• Is this demeaning?

• Or is this something we can explore safely…with clarity and consent?

That’s what I’ll break down inside the premium version of this letter.

Want the full breakdown?
Inside the premium version, I’ll unpack:

• Why some men say they “need” to choke during sex and what’s really going on underneath that.

• Whether hair-pulling is about dominance, pleasure, or performance.

• The real psychological and emotional roots of these acts.

• What you should never allow if you’re not 100% safe or emotionally connected.

• Questions every woman of faith should ask herself before agreeing to explore this dynamic.

• A script you can use with your fiancé to set clear boundaries before the wedding night.

Plus: My private video breakdown and faith-based sexologist’s perspective on how to navigate desire without shame will be posted within the next few days.

Subscribe below to unlock the rest.

P.S. Something new is stirring. For those of you who’ve always connected with me as Your Favorite Sexologist, it’s time. I’m creating a separate space for the conversations that don’t belong here. Sex4Ladies is on the way. Raw. Uncut. Unfiltered.
This will be a premium experience for women of faith who want to reclaim their voice, their pleasure, and their power on their terms. We’ll talk intimacy, celibacy, technique, frustration, joy, and everything in between.

She’s AWOL will remain the home for Lifestyle, Leisure, and Liberation but Sex4Ladies 🔥 will be its own world. More details soon. But for now? Just know it’s coming. 🥵 

Subscribe for only $4.99/mo to read the rest.