Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #3

Welcome to Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV! Better late than never, right? My apologies for that as I’ve in the middle of moving. Yaay! (Stick a 📍 there as I’ll be sharing more on that later). So…as I’ve been saying, this is a space where I dive into your questions about love, leisure, pleasure, and everything in between. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and letting me be part of your journey. And today’s question is one for the ages and not talked about enough if you ask me. So let’s dive in.

This week’s question:

"OK OEV. Please help me. What Can I Do If My Partner and I Have Mismatched Libidos and It’s Creating Distance in Our Relationship”?

Context: “My husband and I have been married for 10 years and lately, I’ve been feeling more and more rejected when it comes to sex. I have a much higher sex drive than he does and it feels like he’s almost completely turned off by sex. We only seem to have sex once a month and when we do, it feels rushed. It’s like he’s just doing it to check a box. He says he’s not cheating, and I do believe him, but it’s hard not to feel hurt and undesirable. I’ve tried initiating more, but he usually brushes me off or says he’s tired. I’m at a loss. I love him, but I’m worried this could damage our marriage if we don’t address it. What can I do?"

My Answer:

First, let me say how much I admire your willingness to address this vulnerable yet necessary topic. Mismatched libidos can be a deeply personal challenge but there’s good news…a challenge doesn’t mean it can’t be overcome. The rejection you’re feeling is valid and common in situations like these and it’s clear that you love your husband and want to work through this together, so let’s explore some strategies.

1. Recognize the Complex Factors Behind His Libido

Sexual desire is influenced by a web of factors, including physical health, mental well-being, emotional connection, and life stressors and more. While you might feel this is about you, it’s important to understand that his lower libido is likely tied to something within him…not necessarily your desirability or attractiveness. As long as it’s not medically related, it means this is mental. And to be honest, mental is only up to him. You can help, but he has to be willing and that’s where the great challenge comes in. This is truly his work to do, but you reached out to me so we gon’ get to what you can do with this work.

Here are some questions to ask: 

Stress or Fatigue: Could work, family responsibilities, or other pressures be leaving him emotionally drained?  

Health or Hormones: Men’s testosterone levels naturally decline with age, which can affect libido. Other health issues like medication, sleep quality, or diet can also play a role.  

Emotional Disconnect: Sometimes, a lack of sex and sexual desire stems from unresolved emotions or feelings of disconnection, even if they’re unrelated to the relationship itself. How’s his emotions? And how are his emotions towards you and your emotions towards him? 

These questions can be an opportunity to open a deeper dialogue about what’s going on in his world, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

2. Shift the Focus from Sex to Connection

Right now, it sounds like sex has become a source of tension and stress for both of you. To rebuild intimacy, start by shifting the focus from having sex to connecting as a couple. I remember when my estranged husband and I were having an issue within our sex life and the constant talk of sex could only do so much. While communication is always key, what and how you’re communicating is as well. I had to realize that talking about sex etc, was actually causing him performance anxiety and this could be the case in your situation as well. Talking about the act so much but not connecting as a couple can actually be overwhelming and cause pressure for the one who’s not desiring sex at the level the other one is.

Ways to Connect as A Couple that Doesn’t Involve Penetration:

Non-Sexual Intimacy: Reintroduce moments of closeness, like cuddling, hand-holding, or playful touches, without the pressure of it leading to sex. These moments help rebuild trust and emotional safety. And yes girl…we sometimes have to be the ones who do this for our men. 

Quality Time: Spend intentional time together doing things you both enjoy. When was the last time you laughed together or shared something new and exciting? What about fun activities like bike riding, skating or simply watching a movie together. Reconnecting emotionally can reignite physical desire.  

3. Reframe the Narrative of Rejection  

I am so big on reframing at this stage of my life, it ain’t even funny. Reframing has been huge in how I co-parent with my children’s father so as not to take his lashes personally. It’s natural to feel hurt when your advances are turned down, but framing these moments as rejection can lead to resentment. Instead, try to see his reactions as a reflection of where he is emotionally and physically, rather than a measure of your worth or desirability. When I tell you this is a game changer, it really is. Reframing rejection helps you not to take it so personally and helps you have empathy and even compassion for him depending on where he’s at. I’m not saying it takes away your horniness, but it does bring value in how you interact with him on a daily basis as you really don’t want to be resentful. You’d rather be empowered which comes from a place of abundance instead of lack when you operate in resentment. A man’s ego can be his sense of self worth and as I’ve always said, tied to his sex drive. So I always advise women to be careful with his ego especially since self worth is involved.

So you might say, "I notice we’re not as intimate as we used to be, and it’s been hard for me because I miss that connection with you. Can we talk about how we’re both feeling?"

Notice how in this manner, it invites collaboration and creates space for him to share without feeling defensive.

4. Understand and Manage the Frequency Gap

Once-a-month sex can feel like a long time when your drive is higher. While it’s important to respect his boundaries, you can also find ways to bridge the gap:

Scheduled Sex: Suggest setting aside time for physical connection. While it might feel unromantic at first, scheduling sex often removes the pressure of spontaneous initiation and allows both of you to mentally prepare and look forward to the “sex date” than being overwhelmed because it’s coming up.  

Self-Pleasure and Fantasy: It’s okay to explore fulfilling your own desires through self-pleasure. This doesn’t replace the connection with your partner but helps alleviate the tension of unmet needs. In fact, I can do you one better. Self pleasure while he watches. This is a tactic I’ve shared with many wives who have higher libidos and their husbands struggled to even come close. But when this happened, his arousal was based off watching his wife get into herself while he was into her as well. And you know I have my amazon store right here with the perfect gift for you this season that will help you with this. Order today and get it by Christmas especially if you’re a prime member.

5. Address the Elephant in the Room: Desire Disparity

If his interest in sex remains low, it might help to explore what sex truly means to both of you.  

- Is he feeling any pressure or expectations about performance?  

- Does he find the idea of intimacy intimidating or exhausting?  

- Are there past experiences or societal messages that might affect how he views sex now?  

A professional sex therapist can help you both unpack these questions in a safe space like Your Favorite Sexologist right here. You can set a one-on-one appointment and get started working on this issue with up close and personal help and guidance with me. It’s not about fixing him but creating a deeper understanding of your dynamic.

6. Reignite the Spark Together 

Sometimes, low libido can be reignited through novelty and curiosity. Consider:  

- Exploring Fantasies Together: If he’s open to it, discuss what excites him, whether that’s new settings, role-play, or simply rediscovering what feels good.  

- Introducing Playfulness: Lighthearted activities…like a romantic getaway or even a dance in the living room, can help you both relax and reconnect.  

- Physical Touch Without Pressure: Give each other massages or take a warm bath together without the expectation of sex. This creates a space for desire to naturally reemerge.  

7. Be Patient, Persistent, and Open to Help 

Lastly, know that mismatched libidos don’t have to be a dealbreaker. Relationships evolve, and this could simply be a new chapter in your journey together. Patience and persistence, along with professional support if needed, can help you both find a balance that works for your unique dynamic.

My Final Thoughts: 

You’re not alone in this, and it’s not about one of you being “right” or “wrong.” Your man’s lower libido doesn’t diminish your value, and your higher libido doesn’t make you demanding. By approaching this with compassion, curiosity, and creativity, you can strengthen your bond and rediscover the connection you both desire. I can go a lot deeper in this but this is a great start for you right now. Click the link for an appointment if you feel it’s time you go deeper than this.

Remember: love, intimacy, and passion are not fixed but they do grow when nurtured. 😉 

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋