Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #4

Welcome to Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV! This is a space where I dive into your questions about love, leisure, pleasure, and everything in between. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and letting me be part of your journey. Today’s question is a timeless one and in my opinion, deserves far more attention than it gets. So let’s dive in.

This week’s question:

“Hi OEV, I really appreciate you doing this. I used to follow when you did this with your husband, and I’m so glad you brought it back. My question is Can I Date While Separated? I mean, what does separation even mean at this point because it’s not really mentioned in the bible nor talked about in Church”?

Context: I’ve been separated from my husband for slightly over a year now, but we still live in the same house because of the ages of our kids (all under 10) and our finances. We barely talk anymore. Just enough to co-parent. He’s cheated multiple times throughout our seven-year marriage and he’s still cheating now and I have plenty of proof. Honestly, I’m just done. I can’t even stand to see him come and go unless it’s to spend time with our children as I know where he’s coming in from especially when it’s not work related.

He even cheated before we got married, but I forgave him and let it go back then. Throughout the years, I’ve had to deal with women DMing me, sending pictures of them with him, and it’s been so exhausting. We’ve gone to counseling before for this same issue, and we plan to go again, but I feel like I’m only doing it for appearances now in keeping our “picture perfect” family together.

I feel so checked out of this relationship, but I also have sexual needs and there is no way I’m sleeping with him with all he’s doing out there. Your newsletter, When Love is Already Opened: A Spirit-Led Woman’s Guide to Sexuality, really spoke to me. I feel like I’m the woman you were writing about. What does separation mean in my situation? Am I supposed to be on a break from my marriage? Is it wrong to think about dating or even actually date while separated? I’d love your thoughts.

My Answer:

Thank you for writing in and for trusting me with this. Let me first say, I see you. Living under the same roof while navigating separation, especially with three young children which I’ve definitely been there to an extent but you’re navigating something more…the emotional weight of betrayal and that can be heavy. You’ve carried a lot in these seven years, and it’s no wonder you feel checked out.

Let’s dive into your questions.

What does separation mean in your situation? You tell me. What do you think separation means in your situation? Ok ok…first, let’s talk legal separation. Legal separation is a court-ordered arrangement that allows a married couple to live apart while remaining legally married. It’s a good and actually popular option for couples who are unsure about the future of their marriage but don’t want to end it at the moment. There are pros and cons to this but you really have to know who you’re married to in order to go this route because the courts will make sure there’s agreed custody, child support, alimony, health benefits, financial splits such as 401k benefits, property division etc, before approving this. I’m not sure what state you live in but if we’re talking legal separation, that means every state but 6 in the US recognizes legal separation and in many of these cases, people do decide to date and form relationships with others. Of course this doesn’t seem to be your case as you’re still living with your spouse. I live in Texas and can tell you separation isn’t recognized here at all even tho there are some things that can be done to solidify that you are living your lives apart while still legally married. In my case, we have mutual agreements in things without involving the courts but court is an option on my end if these agreements are not being honored. In your case, even tho you have shared some context, there is much that hasn’t be shared but…here is what I can say.

Since the courts are not involved in your separation, what have you and he decided your separation is? Because tho I do personally know of a few couples who stay in the same home but are truly separated, they are not upset with their arrangement. They are literally staying only for the children to have a stable home and they have agreed upon which bills each of them pay and they do date others. That’s called a “marriage of convenience” because of the legal benefits of staying married vs getting a divorce. Some have been separated in this manner for a decade like one couple, the husband is in the military and neither she nor him are in a hurry to remarry, so their “marriage of convenience” benefits them and they do date others. They are also more like friends and the romantic part of their marriage has been completely over for a decade. If you’re looking for a “What would The Most High think” of this, remember I’ve shared about the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law. You truly must answer this for yourself.

But I will say that…in all honesty, you seem to be very annoyed with your arrangement and this cannot bring you peace. It also “seems” like you don’t even like being in his presence. May I ask, what’s stopping you from moving out or arrangements being made that he move out? I know you said finances and the children but I would beg to go a little deeper in why you’re staying in the same home feeling like he’s still philandering and you staying there anyway? These questions and more, only you can answer. The original reason separation even started was to allow couples a cool off period so they can eventually reconcile and have a better marriage. But many separations have since been redefined to the often unspoken name for a “marriage of convenience” where the couples lack true love and affection for one another and are seeing others but keeping their other family and marital affairs and responsibilities in order. My question to you is what do you want? This is the same question I’ve asked myself and is why I’m separated.

Your reference my newsletter, When Love is Already Opened: A Spirit-Led Woman’s Guide to Sexuality, is so timely. In it, I talked about how silence and emotional distance can suffocate more than noise. You’re in a space where the repeated breaches of trust have created a silence that’s more deafening than any argument. Love has already been opened in your life, and now you’re being called to rediscover yourself outside of this pain. Who will you become during this? And what will your next moves be?

Am I supposed to be on a break from my marriage? Are you? 😆I don’t mean to laugh at you. Not in a bad way but more like, you are grown boo. What kind of break are you on or do you feel you need to be on right now? Because, let’s be real, separation doesn’t come with a one-size-fits-all manual. The truth is, only you can answer that. Are you emotionally and mentally checked out to the point where the marriage is over for you, or are you in a place where you’re pausing to gain clarity, heal, and decide what’s next? Because there’s a difference.

Separation isn’t just a status…it’s a season. It’s a space you create for yourself to figure out next moves, whether that’s reconciliation, redefining the marriage, or preparing to walk away for good. And let’s not forget, you’re navigating this separation in the same house with the same person who broke your trust. That is not easy, and I actually applaud you for holding it together.

But let me ask you this: What’s the purpose of this “break” for you? Is it giving you what you need; space to heal, clarity, or the room to breathe without feeling suffocated by the history of infidelity? Or is it just another box to check while you keep putting your needs on the back burner? How’s this flow for you? When you begin to ask yourself these questions, you may find exactly what you need during this time.

Is it wrong to think about dating or actually date while separated? Do you think it’s wrong? If so, why? If not, why not? I get this can be a deeply personal question, so let me offer some guidance:

Evaluate Your Readiness:
Are you considering dating because you feel healed enough to connect with someone new? Or are you seeking to fill the void left by your current situation? Be honest with yourself. It’s okay if the answer is complicated. Let me also say this…I’m not a big proponent of the “you have to be fully healed first” narrative. Healing often happens thru our interactions with others. The Most High frequently works thru people to bring clarity, growth, and yes even healing. You should know me well enough by now to understand I’m not here for the rigid rules and limitations people like to place on us. For example, I see it all over social media, “If they not divorced, they still married and are off limits” and will give you countless stories of things going bad for people to support their claims of why it’s wrong. Sure, things can go badly but I also know it rains on the just and the unjust and For every person with a story like that, there’s someone else with a story that proves the opposite. Shania Twain ring a bell? Shania Twain, anyone? People thought her ex-husband cheating on her with her close friend and leaving Shania for that friend would spell disaster. Yet, years later, Shania herself confirmed her ex-husband and ex-friend are still together, proving life doesn’t always play out the way we expect or feel that it should for others who did us wrong. I know it’s crazy and doesn’t seem fair, but this isn’t about living in the land of the perfect. It’s about understanding that life, relationships, and healing are rarely neat and tidy. So, focus less on rules and more on what truly serves your growth and alignment with your path.

Clarity of Intentions:
Dating while still living with your spouse, especially one you’re separated from… Chile. Listen, I’m a woman who is all about her peace, but if you’re saying he’s still with other women and you have proof and he doesn’t know you know, and you’re upset about his philandering, this situation sounds messy. And I get it. You want to go out too, and love is opened. You have needs and I’m not here to judge that. But with all this going on under the same roof, I’d honestly suggest that the counseling focus on how to live separately at this point. It doesn’t sound like reconciliation is what you want right now.

It’s not about what’s right or wrong. It’s about whether your current living arrangements align with your values and priorities. Are you setting yourself up for peace, or just more emotional chaos?

Boundaries and Integrity:
Your situation is unique because of the shared home, children, and continued counseling. If you choose to explore dating, it’s important to clearly define your boundaries within the marriage. Transparency with yourself and anyone you meet is key. My question is, what is dating to you? Is it just meeting up with guys for a nice time? Is it only sexual meetups? Is it a friends-with-benefits arrangement where there’s mutual understanding and casual sex involved? Or is it about meeting someone you might eventually want to marry? Dating can and should be defined individually, and having clarity about what it means to you is essential before stepping out. That said, I feel it’s important to at least have one counseling session with your husband to define where you both stand and what you each want to do, especially since you’re still living together. If you were living apart, the dynamics would be different, and you’d have more freedom to set your own boundaries and define what this separation looks like for you.

My Final Thoughts: 

It’s clear you’re at a crossroads. While I can offer advice here, situations like yours deserve deeper exploration. I encourage you to set up a Help Me in My ‘Ships-n-SexLife one-on-one session with me. This will give us the space to dive into your unique story, your needs, and your next steps toward direction, healing and rediscovery.

In the meantime, revisit When Love is Already Opened and reflect on how it resonates with where you are now. You’ve already taken a powerful step by reaching out. Keep leaning into this journey. You are so worth it Love.

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS Don’t forget, when love is already opened, you can visit my Amazon store to get what you need to help you when he not helping you. 😉