Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #9: My Husband Has Never Pleased Me Sexually. How Do I Address This After Four Years of Marriage?

This week’s question:

My Husband Has Never Pleased Me Sexually. How Do I Address This After Four Years of Marriage? I’m tired of being unsatisfied and sexually frustrated.

Context

Hi OEV, I’ve been married for four years, and to be honest, I’ve never truly been satisfied sexually in my marriage. My husband has never met my sexual needs, and while I love him, I’m frustrated and starting to feel disconnected.

I don’t climax during intercourse, and his attempts at oral are hit or miss. He’s not well-endowed, and we’ve never been able to find a rhythm that works for both of us. I’ve suggested seeing a sex therapist, but he’s completely against it. His solution was watching porn together, but that feels more like a band-aid than a real fix to me. So now he plays porn loudly in the room next to our bedroom to get him going, so I have to hear people I don’t know, me faking moans and him grunting altogether but I’m not getting pleasure from any of it.

The frustration is getting to me. I’ve noticed myself being tempted by men at work who flirt with me. I haven’t acted on anything, but I can’t deny that the attention is starting to feel good because I’m not getting that kind of connection at home. I know this isn’t who I want to be, but I feel like I’m at a breaking point.

How can I address this with my husband without making him feel inadequate when I actually feel like he is sexually inadequate? And is there a way to improve our sex life when he doesn’t seem open to outside help? I want us to succeed, but I’m tired of being unsatisfied and frustrated.

"What Do You Do When Your Husband Can’t Please You in Bed?"

My Answer:
First of all, thank you for trusting me with this vulnerable and deeply personal question. Let me start by saying that your feelings are valid. Sexual satisfaction is an essential part of a healthy marriage, and it’s clear this has been a source of frustration for you for quite some time. You are not wrong for wanting to feel fulfilled, connected, and desired. It’s your right and you were fearfully and wonderfully made to also experience the kind of pleasure you desire.

Now, let’s break this down into actionable steps.

1. Reframe the Conversation Around Intimacy, Not Performance

When discussing sensitive topics like this with your husband, framing is everything. Instead of focusing on what’s “missing” or “not working,” shift the focus to what you’d like to explore together as a couple. For example, you can say something like:
"I want us to grow closer in every way, including our sexlife. I’d love for us to find new ways to connect that bring us both joy and satisfaction."

This takes the pressure off him and keeps the conversation collaborative rather than critical. Listen, I know when you sexually frustrated you want to go all in and tell him all the things he’s not doing right for you, but I’d say, at least for now, resist the urge to take these frustrations out on him directly and put that energy into solutions instead. You’ve already started doing this by reaching out to me. 😉 

2. Explore Alternatives to Therapy Together

While he’s resistant to seeing a sex therapist, there are other ways to seek guidance that might feel less intimidating for him. Consider suggesting books, online courses, or workshops designed for couples looking to enhance their intimacy. The key here is to emphasize learning together, rather than making it seem like he’s the problem. Men can feel a way about sitting and talking to someone about problems in their sexlife as sex is often tied to a man’s ago. And tho I’m not saying we need to protect his ego, I am saying that we don’t need to bruise it either. So sometimes therapy may not be the answer but alternatives may be. I have found when it came to sex in my own marriage that I got my estranged husband to get what I was saying by getting Karma Sutra books etc, and show him what I desired. Now I did tell him some things when we were newlyweds because I didn’t know better then but, as soon as I saw his reaction after doing that, I never really did that again. What I did do was show him how and this is something I teach ladies to do in my DreamSex Life workshop or DreamSexLife 1:1 sessions. And tho I haven’t done my DSL workshop in a minute (but may be doing it again soon), in the meantime you can go here and see a TikTok video I did on does size really matter and what to do when your man isn’t well endowed as you mentioned.

3. Get Clear on What You Want and Need

It’s important to reflect on what brings you pleasure and how your husband can be part of that. If you’re not sure, this is a great time to explore your own body through self-pleasure or by using a vibrator. (Need a better one? Go to my Amazon store and get one that works just right that won’t strip away your entire life like the rose does 🤣 ). Once you have a better understanding of what works for you, you’ll be able to guide him more effectively.

When you’re ready, share this with him in a way that feels exciting and inviting, such as, “I’ve learned that I really enjoy this, and I’d love for you to try it with me.” Remember, “bad sex” is not your cross to bear. There have been way too many wives wait all those years in celibacy only to marry and succumb to bad sex as if they’re saying, “Well, he’s my husband and I love him so I guess this is my cross to bear”. Whet? Noooooo. And I don’t mean this in no disrespectful kinda way but,men can be sexually trained. Here’s another TikTok video below where I talk on bad sex not being a cross to bear in marriage.

4. Address Temptation Honestly

The attention you’re receiving from men at work is filling a void you’re not getting at home. This is a critical moment for you to reflect on what you want from your marriage. Temptation is often a sign that your needs are unmet, not an indicator that you’ve failed.

You’ve already taken a powerful step by acknowledging these feelings and not acting on them. Continue to be mindful of your boundaries and remind yourself that emotional and physical affairs won’t solve the root issue, they’ll only add complexity. Just be careful.

5. Set a Timeframe for Change

It’s okay to give yourself and your husband a timeframe to work on these issues. This isn’t an ultimatum but rather a way to set clear intentions and gauge progress. For example, you might decide to revisit the conversation in a few months to see how things are improving or what else needs to be addressed. After timeframes have been met and nothing seems to be working, then you can bring up counsel or at the very least, sign up for some Dream SexLife 1:1 sessions.

Final Thoughts:

You deserve to feel fulfilled in your marriage, and your husband deserves the chance to rise to the occasion…literally. The journey to better intimacy takes vulnerability, patience, and effort from both partners. If he’s willing to make changes, this could be the start of a deeper and more fulfilling connection for both of you.

However, if he continues to resist, it’s important to consider whether this relationship aligns with your long-term happiness and needs. Either way, prioritizing your emotional and sexual well-being is key.

As mentioned above, you’d like to dive deeper into this or get personalized guidance, let’s chat in a private Dream SexLife 1:1 session here.

You’ve got this, Love. And if you need me, I’m here. 🖤

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 Your Favorite Sexologist & Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure

PS Valentines Day is coming up and I got something for you. You’re gonna love it!!! I’ll share with you within the next few days. #StayTuned