Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #7"Would You Be OK with Your Husband Dating While Separated and Co-Parenting?"

This week’s question:

Hello OEV. Would You Be OK with Your Husband Dating Other Women While Separated and Co-Parenting?

Context:

I truly appreciate you for sharing your journey with us on your separation; it’s been more inspiring than I thought it would be to follow along. But now I have a personal question for you.

Although you somewhat touched on this for another woman in a previous LOEV Letter (read that here if you missed it), I’d love to hear your perspective on this: Would you be okay with your husband dating other women while you’re still co-parenting and separated?

I’m curious how you navigate boundaries and emotional growth during this kind of transitional phase. How do you handle these situations without letting them disrupt the peace and balance you’ve worked so hard to create?

And what about you? How would you or how do you approach dating while still legally married? I’ve always believed that if you’re still married, even if separated, you’re off-limits to others unless you’re officially divorced. Isn’t dating during separation considered adultery? Would love to hear your thoughts!

My Answer:

Thank you for such a thoughtful and personal question. I appreciate the opportunity to share my perspective, as I’m sure many women navigating separation and co-parenting have similar concerns.

First, let me say this: separation is a deeply personal experience. How we navigate it depends on our individual boundaries, emotional readiness, beliefs and core values. What works for one person might not work for another and that’s perfectly okay.

Now, let’s unpack this:

1. Would I Be Okay with My Husband Dating While We’re Separated?
So first I want to make clear, PAV and I are estranged even tho we still communicate. The part of the definition of estranged that I use to describe what he is to me is the part that says, “no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated; no longer living with their spouse”. The reason I’m making this clear is because I want you and everyone else on this journey with me to understand the marriage we once had is over. I’m not going back to it nor the dynamic we had in it. This is why I have my own place, pay my own personal bills and make my own decisions. This is also why I call him estranged as there is literally nothing intertwined with us but our children. So even tho we are still legally married on paper, emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally and sexually we are no longer connected as those are the area that are often used to truly define a marital union. He provides for his children as do I, but he no longer provides for me as a providing husband would and I no longer submit to him as a submissive wife would. And tho the state of Texas in which we reside does not recognize separation, only marriage and divorce, they do recognize things done to prove separation when still legally married such as child support, spousal support and separated living arrangements. So I first wanted to make that clear before I answer you fully.

Now as for as him dating, for me personally, yes, I would be fine with him dating other women as long as certain boundaries are respected. I’ve done a lot of inner work to understand that his choices are his and no longer define my worth, happiness, or identity nor is he required to let me know of any choices he makes that have nothing to do with our children. We’re on completely separate paths now and I truly have no idea where he be, what he do outside of work or being with our children, what his income is now…hell, I barely know what he does for work now that I think about it. 😄 But I do believe he has the right to explore what’s next for him, just as I have that right for myself.

However, boundaries, as you know how I roll now, are essential. For example, if he is dating or decides to, I wouldn’t want our children to meet someone he’s dating unless the relationship is serious and stable. This protects our children from confusion or forming unnecessary attachments to someone who may not be in their lives long-term. And we have briefly spoke on this. Not in detail as I’m sure we will, but it’s been spoken on and made clear on my end.

2. How do I Navigate Boundaries and Emotional Growth During Separation?
Healthy co-parenting relies on mutual respect and clear communication. My boundaries include:

• Prioritizing the Children: Our children’s emotional well-being comes first. Any decision we make as individuals must take that into account.

• Clear Communication: Significant changes, like introducing a new partner, should be discussed to avoid any blindsiding or confusion.

• Respect for Space: While we co-parent, I expect us to respect each other’s decisions and personal lives without overstepping.

These boundaries create a foundation of trust and respect, which is vital to maintaining peace during this transitional phase.

As for emotional growth, I’ve found that focusing on my own healing, happiness, and goals allows me to navigate separation with grace. As with anything else, if my estranged husband’s dating life triggers feelings of jealousy or insecurity, I would pause to ask myself:

• What part of me feels unsettled by this? Why?

• Am I still holding on to expectations of our past relationship? Why?

• How can I redirect this energy toward my own growth?

This process has been transformative for me. By focusing inward, I’ve learned to detach emotionally from his actions while still maintaining a respectful co-parenting relationship. In many of our interactions in the past even as recent as the beginning of December, whenever he got emotional in his communication with me, I grew to be very careful not to respond emotionally. I wouldn’t answer right away as I needed to breathe and filter what he said thru those who were not triggered like I was, in order for them to help me to respond. All that support, counsel and coaching helped me to only respond to the facts and what was necessary and nothing else.

3. What About Me Dating While Separated?
I believe dating while separated is a personal choice that should align with your values and emotional readiness. For me, I don’t view separation as a permanent pause on my love life. Instead, it’s an opportunity to explore what’s next for me while remaining mindful of my children’s needs and my own boundaries.

The belief that dating while separated is “adultery” stems from traditional views of marriage. While I respect those perspectives, I don’t personally subscribe to them. Separation, at least the kind we have, is a clear acknowledgment that the marriage is no longer functioning as a romantic partnership, even if the legal ties haven’t been severed yet. Remember, we are estranged. We do not function as a married couple. We function as co-parents.

That said, I approach dating with integrity. I’m transparent about my separation status with anyone who approaches me about dating, and I ensure that my actions align with my values and respect for my journey and even my children’s journey. As I jokingly shared on my recent stories, men have become more bold and slowly slide in the DM’s upon finding out I’m separated and tryna make $5.00 out of fifteen cents. Listen I get it and I’m not mad about it. But they know the deal and they’ve actually been very respectful.

4. How am I Maintaining Peace and Balance in all of this?
To maintain peace and balance, I keep my focus on what I can control:

• Building the life I want: I channel my energy into creating a fulfilling life for myself and my children.

• Emotional detachment: I let go of what my estranged husband does or doesn’t do, knowing it’s no longer my responsibility to manage or control his actions.

• Honest communication: When co-parenting, I approach conversations with clarity and respect, avoiding unnecessary emotional entanglements.

My Final Thoughts: 
So, would I be okay with him dating…or even myself dating while we’re co-parenting and separated? Absolutely. I’m very protective of my children so any decisions I make prioritize their well-being and our family’s peace. My boundaries ensure that whatever paths we choose as individuals don’t disrupt the stability and balance we’ve worked to maintain.

I also want to add a little more to your thoughtful question about dating while legally married being considered adultery. Here’s an addition to my earlier perspective: there’s the letter of the law and the spirit of the law.

• The Letter of the Law refers to the universal rules or principles that apply to everyone, often without nuance or consideration of individual circumstances.

• The Spirit of the Law, however, is more personal and reflective of someone’s unique journey and relationship with The Most High. It recognizes the complexity of life and that everyone’s situation is different. Who knows our hearts better than The Most High?

The spirit deals with how the law applies to us individually, acknowledging that TMH has mercy on whom He pleases. This is why I believe we should never put ourselves in a position to judge someone else’s choices or their journey. Their situation might not align with what we’d choose, but it doesn’t mean it’s inherently wrong or even what many would call ‘sinful’.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to stay aligned with your own values, boundaries, and the path that feels right for your personal growth and peace. And that is definitely what I’m doing and I know I have the spirit of the Lord, even in this. 😉 

If this resonates with you or you’d like to explore this further for your own life, let’s chat in a private Help Me in My ‘Ships & Sex Life 1-on-1 session. Book here.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋