Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #8: "The Sexual Tension Is Real! How Do I Stay Celibate While Dating"?

This week’s question:

The Sexual Tension Is Real! How Do I Stay Celibate While Dating?

Context:

Hi OEV,
Thank you for answering my question. I appreciate you doing this.

I’m 36 and struggling to stay celibate while dating. I’ve been celibate for a year now this time around, but the man I’m seeing is making me question everything. We’ve been talking about marriage, and he’s everything I want in a man except for a few flaws I can live with.

The sexual tension between us is real. In fact, it’s very strong, even though he’s not pressuring me. If I’m being real, I just can’t stop thinking about having sex with him. While I’ve been tempted to end my celibacy, I’m worried about the chances of him leaving afterward. In the past, when I broke my celibacy, the men I was with would leave soon after, and I was left feeling stupid, heartbroken and ashamed.

I want to stay focused on my values, but I’m torn between wanting to go some rounds with him and not losing myself again. How do I stay focused and avoid repeating the same mistakes?

My Answer:

Hey Love! I appreciate you for asking this question because so many single women of faith are silently battling this exact same struggle. And let’s be real…the sexual tension can be INTENSE, especially when there’s deep attraction, emotional connection, and conversations about marriage on the table. You’re not alone in this.

Now, let’s break this down:

1. This Isn’t Just About Celibacy; It’s About Your Pattern

You mentioned that when you broke your celibacy before, the men left soon after, leaving you feeling stupid, heartbroken and ashamed. While you’re definitely not stupid, your question tells me that this isn’t just about resisting temptation…it’s about breaking a pattern that has left you feeling unfulfilled and disappointed in the past.

Instead of asking, "Should I go some rounds with him?" which is funny the way you said that btw 😆, the real question is, "What am I really seeking thru sex with him?"

• Is it reassurance that he’s truly committed?

• Is it a way to deepen the bond and connection?

• Is it coming from a place of desire and empowerment, or fear and attachment?

• Is it I just wanna feel good sexually?

This is about gaining self-awareness and emotional clarity before making a choice that could shift the dynamic of your relationship.

2. Celibacy Isn’t a Rule…It’s a Choice Rooted in Power or Fear

Celibacy, when done from a place of empowerment, is about owning your desires, making intentional choices, and preserving your emotional and spiritual well-being. But when celibacy is rooted in fear like, fear of losing a man, fear of what many may call sin or fear of being used, then it becomes a restriction rather than a conscious choice.

Ask yourself:

• Am I celibate because I truly want to be, or am I afraid of being hurt again?

• Do I view sex as something that will make or break this relationship?

• If I choose to have sex, will it be because I desire it, or because I feel like I “owe” him something?

This clarity will help you stand firm in your decision, whatever it may be.

3. Setting Boundaries Before the Bedroom

The key to navigating this tension is having clear boundaries before you’re in the heat of the moment.

✅ Physical Boundaries – Know what situations trigger you and avoid setting yourself up for failure. If alone time at his place after 10 p.m. makes you weak in the knees, then you adjust accordingly.

✅ Emotional Boundaries – Be honest about what sex means to you. If sex for you equals emotional bonding, then sleeping with him before marriage may cloud your judgment about who he truly is.

✅ Spiritual Boundaries – If your faith and values guide your decision to remain celibate, reaffirm those values and make sure you’re staying aligned with your beliefs, not just reacting to emotions in the moment.

This is why I always encourage women to get clear BEFORE they’re in an intimate situation. In my book, 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex, I break down your boundaries and the questions women should ask a man she’s interested in before crossing that line. If you haven’t read it yet, grab your copy [here] and make sure you’re making decisions from a place of power, not pressure or fear.

4. Will He Leave If You Wait?

Let’s be honest…a man who truly sees you, values you, and desires you for the long term will not leave just because you’re celibate.

What you have to ask yourself is:

• If he left after waiting, what does that say about his true intentions?

• Do you want a man who would only stay if he had access to your body?

• Would you rather know now if he’s only here for sex or if he truly sees you as his future wife?

It seems like your celibacy is one of your sexual boundaries. If he respects it, great. If he doesn’t, that’s not your loss but your clarity.

5. Practical Steps to Stay Focused & Stand Firm in Your Decision

💡 Clarify Your Boundaries Together – Have an honest talk about what celibacy means to you and why you’ve chosen it. His response will tell you a LOT.

💡 Reaffirm Your Standards – Read 9 Things Women Should Ask a Man Before Giving Him Sex because it will help you clarify what you truly want BEFORE you get physically intimate.

💡 Protect Your Environment – If you know being alone with him late at night is going to test you, create new dating dynamics that keep temptation low.

💡 Invest in Your Own Growth – If this is a real struggle, I invite you to join my frustration 2 Liberation Mastermind where we dive deep into sexual frustration that it sounds like you’re experiencing and embracing your sexuality instead, breaking these cycles, navigating love intentionally, and staying true to your values while dating. We can also jump on a call to discuss if this mastermind is for you, book a time here.

Final Thoughts:

Sexual tension is real yes, but so is your power to decide. Whether you stay celibate or choose otherwise, own your choice; don’t make it from fear, pressure, or past patterns. Make it from a place of empowerment. Often when you make decisions from a place of empowerment, rarely do you bend when temptations to give in come.

You’re not alone in this, and I’m here to help you navigate it. You got this. 🖤

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋