Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV #10: "Sex Feels Like a Band-Aid for My Husband’s Financially Catastrophic Behavior. How Do I Fix This?"

This week’s question:

The bills are unpaid, the stress is high, and sex is the last thing on my mind. What Do You Do?

Context:

Hi OEV,

We’ve been married for 10 years and I’ve been struggling with sex in my marriage for awhile now, and I feel so conflicted. My husband has a gambling problem that he swears he’s working on, but every time payday comes, it’s the same story. He blows most of his check, leaving us struggling financially. We fight, I cry, he apologizes, and then somehow, we end up in bed.

In the moment, I tell myself it's our way of reconnecting and moving forward, but by the next day, I feel used and resentful. Nothing actually changes. I’ve started to feel like sex is the only thing holding us together, and honestly, I’m starting to resent even that.

I don’t believe in withholding sex as punishment, but I also don’t want to keep giving myself to a man who isn’t taking care of his responsibilities. How do I navigate intimacy when financial stress is draining me emotionally? I’m tired of the crying, the bitterness and resentment I can feel rising up. I’ve prayed and believed things would get better for years now. How do I break this cycle without pushing my husband away?

My Answer:

Ok first let me… whoosah breathe *whoosah 2 mo gins. Ok. I’m ready. Look…thank you so much for your transparency, sis, because this is a layered issue, and I appreciate the courage it takes to ask this question. This one is definitely close to home for me that’s why I needed to whoosah a bit before I get started.

You may have came along after my Happily Separated Series that started this journey because I actually wrote about a similar issue as yours within my own estranged marriage. Check out Happily Separated! Part 4 The Sexless Sexologist right here and I promise you’ll see what I mean.

Let’s break this down into the three core areas you need to navigate:

1️⃣ Sex & Financial Struggles: The Unspoken Connection
2️⃣ The Real Issue: Sex Isn’t Fixing What’s Broken
3️⃣ Healthy Intimacy vs. Dutiful Sex: How to Take Your Power Back

1️⃣ Sex & Financial Struggles: The Unspoken Connection

You are not alone in this. Many women, myself included, have experienced how financial stress impacts intimacy. And let’s be clear: it’s a turnoff.

When a woman feels financially unsafe, her body does not naturally lean into intimacy even if she’s horny. Security is a foundation for desire and I’ve found that it’s a must for me. If you’re stressed about bills, your nervous system is on high alert, making it difficult to relax into pleasure.

In the beginning, you may have overlooked this. Maybe you gave grace, hoping things would change. But over time, that grace has turned into resentment because his financial instability has become a pattern, not just a rough patch.

And here’s where it gets tricky: You can love someone deeply but still lose attraction to them when they’re not showing up in ways that matter.

This isn’t just about money. It’s about trust. Can you trust him to lead financially? Can you trust him to protect your household’s well-being? If you can’t, intimacy will suffer. And let me tell you right now, please do not try and salvage this mess. You have have to allow things to play out so there can be exposure in order to get it dealt with. (Stick a 📍 here)

2️⃣ The Real Issue: Sex Isn’t Fixing What’s Broken

I am big and I mean super big on sexual healing (you can check out my sexual healing video on TikTok here). Sex has healed a many a things in my 20 years of marriage, but one thing I know for sure it does not heal is financial instability. No matter how good he slang it, it won’t make things right in this area. We are not wired that way. So right now in your marriage, sex has become the bandage covering up a much deeper wound. You argue, he apologizes, and then comes the “makeup sex”…which yes I know, can feel so amazing especially in the moment, but does nothing to change the root issue.

Let’s call this what it really is: a toxic cycle.

• 🚨 He gambles → You fight → He apologizes → You have sex → Cycle repeats.

• 🚨 The sex isn’t resolving anything; it’s just pacifying the discomfort.

The real question is: What happens when sex no longer soothes the pain?

Because here’s the truth: Intimacy should never be the glue holding a relationship together.

If you feel used, drained, and resentful after sex, that is your body and spirit telling you that something is out of alignment.

You said you don’t believe in withholding sex as a punishment, and I agree, sex should never be weaponized. But at the same time, sex should never feel like an obligation, a bargaining tool, or an emotional pacifier either.

Your body is not a reward for good behavior. And if he’s comfortable continuing this cycle without making real changes, you have to ask yourself why you’re still allowing it. This is what I had to ask myself. And I began to go with my body on this and not his demands.

3️⃣ Healthy Intimacy vs. Dutiful Sex: How to Take Your Power Back

It’s time to redefine intimacy. Because right now, intimacy in your marriage is transactional.

Let’s set a new standard for intimacy that aligns with respect, emotional safety, and mutual responsibility.

✅ Communicate Clearly:

• “I need to feel financially secure in our marriage before I can fully relax and enjoy intimacy with you.” But no matter, please do not depend on him to become financially stable. It’s time for you to reevaluate your own financial abilities because what if he never changes? I used to ask ladies I was counseling this specific question all the time and it would be a stumper I tell you. Especially when that became the question of the century for me.

• “I want us to have a fulfilling sex life, but I can’t keep pretending that this financial instability doesn’t affect me”. Make sure to clarify how it’s affecting you as well. Mentally, physically, spiritually etc. Sometimes when men hear you go into detail, they begin to connect with you on at least one or some of your details.

✅ Break the Cycle:

• If the only time he seems emotionally available is when he wants sex, take a step back.

• If he keeps making empty promises, look at his actions, not just his words.

✅ Set Boundaries:

• Let him know what needs to change before you feel comfortable reconnecting intimately.

• This isn’t withholding sex as punishment; it’s requiring change as a standard.

This is where my private Help Me in My 'Ships n SexLife 1-on-1 session comes in. If you’re ready to unpack this further and get personalized guidance on breaking this toxic cycle and redefining intimacy in your marriage, then let’s talk.

📌 Click here to book your session now → Help Me in My 'Ships n SexLife Session

Final Thoughts:

So, how do you navigate intimacy when financial issues create tension in your marriage? You stop rewarding dysfunction with access to your body.

You love him, but you also love yourself enough to require more.

You desire intimacy, but you also deserve emotional and financial security.

And if he is serious about fixing this, he will prove it without you having to beg, bargain, or bribe with sex.

💭 If this resonated with you and you want to dive deeper into your situation, let’s talk in a Help Me in My 'Ships n SexLife session.

📌 Book your private session here → Click to schedule

You’ve got this, Love. 🖤

Always Much Love,

Octavia E Vance (O.E.V.) 💋 

P.S. I really had something special for you but after getting hit a bit hard with sickness, I had to listen to my body and rest more than normal. So I will find a way to do my thing for you very soon. But no matter, make sure you are following me on my TikTok channel here and my youtube channel as well. You can choose one or choose both, just follow me. I’ll be sharing more soon.