Wednesday's Q&A with OEV #2

Hi AWOL Lady!

Welcome to Wednesday’s Q&A with OEV! This is a space where I dive into your questions about love, leisure, pleasure, and everything in between. Thank you for trusting me with your thoughts and letting me be part of your journey. And today’s question is a big one.

This week’s question:

Hello OEV. Thank you for doing this. Do You Believe God Sometimes Calls Us to Leave Certain Relationships for Our Growth? And if so, should I go?

Context: “I’ve been married 15 years and it’s like I’m walking around in a trance. There’s no physical or financial abuse or anything like that but there’s also no emotional availability and no growing together. Love is love, so I do love him but there’s no ambition for anything more. We used to dream together and make plans but I was the only one working to make any of them come true. We’ve been to counseling several times, discussed things to the point where all it’s been are conversations but no movement. The emotional availability is causing me to walk in a trance. I can’t be vulnerable without him either just sitting there looking uninterested or telling me I should just talk to the therapist. I understand we’re both different in some areas but I want to talk to him but he’s unavailable to my vulnerability. We have sex but no intimacy. I do the emotional labor of the relationship and in our family and he simply just benefits. Anything he wants to do, I do. But whatever I want to do, he tells me to either do it with my friends or find something to do that he enjoys as well. I am so tired, I feel so alone and I’m tired of feeling like I’m the only one in this marriage. He’ll literally come home and watch any sports on and not say much to me unless it’s about what he’s into. 15 years of this and I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I feel something tugging at me but not sure what it is. I’m from a culture where women don’t divorce not even for physical abuse but I am feeling like maybe it’s time for me to at least leave. I feel like I haven’t grown in years but I want to. Do you believe this may be God? Do you think this is the Holy Spirit telling me to get out of this?

My Answer:

Absolutely. Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that a relationship you thought would last forever was only meant to last for a season or, at the very least, needed a break in order to tear down and rebuild. The Most High knows what’s best for us, even when it feels painful or confusing. Sometimes staying in a relationship stifles your growth, and leaving is the step you need to take to fulfill your purpose.

Many times we’re called to leave when a relationship no longer aligns with the plans for our lives that was created by The Most High. Sometimes it’s a whisper in your spirit, a lack of peace that keeps you awake at night, or a series of events that make it clear it’s time to go. Trust those signs and know that obedience doesn’t always feel easy, but it always leads to growth.

When I tell you my leaving was a combination of all of those things...trust me. The Spirit was whispering it was time to go, but I would whisper back, “But I said for better and for worse before The Most High.” Can you imagine telling the One whose Spirit is whispering to you to leave that it’s better to keep a vow than to break it, using the words created by them back to them? I’m telling you, we can be real funny acting like that sometimes. 😆

But here’s the thing. When people would ask me how I knew it was The Most High who was saying this, my answer was simple: “Ummm, I know His Voice”. You know when people call Whitney Houston The Voice? You could be in any part of the world, at the airport, the grocery store, a club, and when one of her songs came on, you immediately knew it was her. That’s what The Spirit sounds like to me…so distinct, you cannot miss it.

Because of the intimate relationship I have with The Most High, that voice often sounds just like me, talking to me. But you can hear it, you can feel it, and you know the truth that’s being spoken to you.

The Letter of the Law vs. The Spirit of the Law

I always tell believers there’s:

1. The letter of the law: This applies to everyone.

2. The spirit of the law: This is personal and intimate and is specifically for you.

Here’s how it looks:

• Letter of the Law to Everyone: God hates divorce.

• Spirit of the Law to You: I hate divorce, but I hate violence and abuse more. Time to go. I have called you to live in peace.

What do we often do? Respond to the spirit of the law with the letter of the law.

• Me: “But I said for better or for worse. I know You hate divorce”.

• Letter of the Law: Let not man put asunder.

• Spirit of the Law: “I see clearly what’s going on, and I’m telling you it’s time to go”.

• Me: “But our children, we just made 20 years”. And the biggest one…”what will people say or think”?

When Marriage Becomes an Idol

If my marriage had become an idol to others, it had also become an idol to the participants in the marriage. Why else would I argue with The Creator and stay for the cosmetics of marriage?

I ignored whispers. I ignored the lack of peace. I ignored signs.

Remember earlier when I said, “Many times we’re called to leave when a relationship no longer aligns with the plans for our lives that was created by The Most High. Sometimes it’s a whisper in your spirit, a lack of peace that keeps you awake at night, or a series of events that make it clear it’s time to go. Trust those signs and know that obedience doesn’t always feel easy, but it always leads to growth”?

My Jonah Experience

Well not only was the lack of peace loud as I was finding it harder and harder to rest without everything constantly on my mind but when I tell you those “series of unfortunate events” was crystal clear but I was just looking right thru them? A mess. I spent months trying to justify those events as just hard times that we’ll get thru like we normally do. Oh no. The Most High was clear…I was about to have that Jonah experience.

And if you’ve ever researched what it was like for Jonah being in the belly of the whale, here is one description of it

“According to the biblical story of Jonah, being in the "belly of the whale" (which is actually described as a "great fish") would have been a terrifying and desperate experience, likely filled with darkness, extreme pressure, and a lack of air, with Jonah only surviving through a divine miracle as he prayed to God from inside the fish's stomach; essentially, it represented a state of complete helplessness and near-death situation, where he was completely reliant on God's intervention to be saved”. ~ Google Search

In my life, The Most High was making it very clear, I was just ignoring it as the signs that they were.

• When we lost the first house: That wasn’t enough.

• When we lost the second house—the one we were staying in: That wasn’t enough either.

• When we were living in Airbnbs and hotels, constantly moving around the Dallas-Fort Worth Metroplex with 5 children who didn’t understand: Even that wasn’t enough.

• When he was fired from yet another job for unethical stuff: As big as that was, even that wasn’t enough.

But when he turned down a job a few days before starting, after his last paycheck had run out, and we were staying in the worst Extended Stay I vowed never to return to in 2017…it took me a full 24 hours in a haze to realize;

The Most High had been sending whales to swallow me for almost a year, and this time, I was in the belly of the whale with no way out without Him. As DMX said in 1998, “It’s Dark and Hell is Hot”. That is the best description I can give you for all these events.

Peace is Non-Negotiable

When I tell you I was in that belly for a minute when I realized I had to get out…not only for my sake but also 5 other sakes and even the man I married sakes. Because I was in the way. I was running trying to keep a marriage together that I could no longer keep together as it wasn’t meant to be kept…at least not by me.

Me leaving was the best decision of 2024, and I do not regret it one iota.

It’s been emotional. It’s been arduous. It’s been…put any word you want to put there but at the end of the day, I stand before you as a woman who no longer depends on a man. (I told you I would write to you when I was done breaking free but when I was actually free. Stick a 📍 here as I will share that soon).

The Most High’s Calling

Now I do realize I went there in answering your question but you know me “whale” enough to know that when I answer, like those who make the best Louisiana gumbo, I put my foot in it.

I make sure to share from my own experience, the bible and more when I answer you. But please remember this story is my own. Not saying it has to be yours. What I am saying is that yes, The Most High calls us to leave certain relationships for our growth because The Most High has called us to live in peace. When The Most High sees His children not living in peace, I do believe He gives us ways out of turmoil.

If you are facing a situation where you are thinking of leaving a marriage, (even other ‘ships as well), always seek guidance from The Most High and those you fully trust. Not just in whether to leave, but if you are to leave then how to leave, and how to leave with love, grace, and integrity.

According to only what you’ve shared here, it seems that you have outgrown not only your husband but the marriage also. But does that mean you should separate or divorce? No, not necessarily. And also, that’s not my call to make. But as a believer, trust that you know His voice and you are led by the Spirit. Think of other areas of your life when The Most High was telling you things you needed to do and you did them…how did they turn out? In all honesty, we know when we are being told to do something that will be to our benefit, but we too many times play the safe route thinking we know better than the One who sits high and looks low and often times, that is to our detriment.

You must trust the God in you on what to do. Seek counsel. Talk to those you trust. Pray. But at the end of the day, the writings on the way for only you to see. What is it saying? You got this! I sincerely hope this helps and I wish you much love on this journey. 🫶 

Do you have a question or another question you’d like me to answer in a future Wednesday Q&A? Then go ahead and send them in as I’m going in the order that I receive them. I’d love to hear from you as well and know that there’s more to come. Your questions are what make this community thrive, and I’d love to hear from you.

Until next week,

Keep embracing Love, Leisure, and Pleasure unapologetically. You’ve got this! And if you’d like to schedule your one on one session with me to get help on the issues in your relationships or sex life/sexuality, click here to get support today. And if my writings are blessing you, you can always click here to bless me back. I love being supported by you as I continue to share my heart and value with you.

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS Community Spotlight coming in Sunday’s LOEV Letter to you. Be on the look out for that as I can hardly wait to share your beautiful words to me with our growing community. ❤️‍🔥