When Love Is Already Opened: A Spirit-Led Woman’s Guide to Sexuality

We all come from different journeys. Maybe you were a virgin when you married, or perhaps you experienced love and intimacy long before that. Wherever your story began, one thing is certain: love has already been opened.

The Bible says, "Do not awaken love before it’s time" (Song of Solomon 8:4).

But what happens when it has been awakened? The Bible never talks about closing it back; only about practicing self-control and wisdom but that’s in general. But what does that mean specifically for sex or anything of a sexual matter? What does the bible say on dealing with awakened love? What about those of us who have been used to having sex for years? Now we’re supposed to just go back and close “love” after all that sex? Honey, let’s be real. Our bodies do not operate that way. It’s one thing to be single and have no suitors in sight, or at least not serious suitors. But what about when you have been very sexually active and now you’re expected to just shut it down? Just like that? Honey, my body just don’t work like that. And I’m pretty sure yours doesn’t either. Let’s not pretend here.

For the most part of my marriage, I enjoyed a very healthy sex life. So healthy I became a Sex Coach and eventually a Sexologist taught directly by one of the best Sexologist in the land, Dr Rachel Ross who was heralded by the Chicago Tribune years ago as ‘…the next Dr. Ruth’. In other words, it don’t get no better than that. I knew a lot before her but learned so much more after connecting with her and that made sex even better when I applied what I was taught. Not only that, an entirely different world was introduced to my teachings on sex via viral videos on TikTok and I enjoyed making every video for them especially when engaging in sex was the thing for me after I was done. My Libido is as high as they come and now I’m just expected to just stop? 👀 Be for real. My body does not just turn off like you can easily turn off a flowing faucet. So trust me when I say, I understand if you can’t either.

But I also know there are women who can easily turn things off. But these ladies do not need to tell those of use who are not like them to do as they do. Some women didn’t have the best sex lives in marriage so it’s nothing for them to go from being active to being celibate, but there are women like me who had fire sex lives and are now facing what I’m facing and can’t just turn it off like that. In fact, with women like us, it doesn’t matter how sad, hurt or pissed off we are, the libido stays the same or surprise, surprise, increases. How so?

Here’s the truth: You are a sexual being, wonderfully made by The Most High. Your body or your sexuality isn’t something to shun or ignore. Your body speaks to you, and when it does, you have a choice to listen and respond with love, responsibility, and empowerment. Too many of us have ignored our bodies when they speak to us then wonder why she seemingly betrays us when we fall into something we were trying hard to stay away from. If you ignore a child who keeps coming to you about their feelings, what do you think will eventually happen? If you ignore medical issues, what do you think will eventually happen? So if you ignore your body and sexual energy, please don’t be surprised when she decides to get your attention and act up on you. Don’t be mad at her, be mad at you for not acknowledging and not listening to her when she tried to tell you she was horny as hell all that time.

I have literal conversations with my body because she may not understand all the details of marriage but she definitely understands all the details of sex, so she will pop up on me in the middle of the night, middle of a grocery store visit and even in the middle of me watching a movie, wanting to be pleased. 🤨 

Look…let me tell you something that’s very important…we women were uniquely designed with a clitoris; a part of the body created for one sole purpose: pleasure. The clitoris has one job and she does that one job well. And she doesn’t just disappear when your relationship status changes. And neither does your sexual energy, your sexual desires nor your libido.

The key is learning to honor this part of yourself without guilt, shame, or condemnation. Love has been awakened and if you’re anything like me, it’s not closing any time soon.

So what do you do when the baths don’t work, the cold showers aren’t enough, the workouts aren’t cutting it, and even prayer, journaling, and fasting leave you still longing? I got some tips for you that you can choose from that can help.

1. Recognize Your Needs: You are not broken or unfaithful for having sexual desires. This is apart of how God created you. Remember, you are beautifully, fearfully and wonderfully made and yes, with a clitoris. Don’t down play how you were made, who made you and what was given you as a woman. Embrace you in every way in this.

2. Embrace Sensual Self-Pleasure: For the woman who prefers not to engage with others but still want to honor their bodies in a different way, sensual self-pleasure can be an empowering option. It allows you to channel your sexual energy in a way that is intentional, private, and aligned with your values. Listen…even when things were much better in my marriage, I embraced sensual self-pleasure. Why…when I had a man right there? Several reasons but I will share one or two.

   Even when things were good in my marriage, I embraced sensual self-pleasure. Why, when I had a man right there? Several reasons, but here’s one: A few years back, I returned from a birthday trip to an angry text from my husband with a pic he had taken of my vibrator. He complained about the lack of sex and was upset I chose to pleasure myself without him.

   I responded calmly but firmly:

   1. I was grown.

   2. We hadn’t resolved his refusal to get cut, and I was done with pregnancy scares (or so I thought).

   3. I still had needs, and they didn’t disappear because we were at a standstill.

   He eventually calmed down and suggested he could join in next time. I explained this wasn’t about him. It was about me. I didn’t ask about his personal self-pleasure, so why was he concerned with mine? See..we’ve been taught our bodies belong to everyone else…our fathers, pastors, God, the government and/or our husbands. Is it any wonder women are declaring, “My body, my choice”? Whether you agree with that politically isn’t the point. The point is, when you’re told your body isn’t your own, eventually, there’s a reckoning. Self pleasure isn’t new and it’s been around and gon’ continue to be around, I’m simply sharing an option one can embrace that can still align with your core values and boundaries. For me, it was personal, fulfilling, and free from the worry of pregnancy, even in marriage. It’s not something I needed to share or justify. It’s my body, my sexuality, and my beliefs, embraced for me, not imposed on anyone else. I embraced it because it was personal, fulfilling for a time and I didn’t have to worry about pregnancy, even in marriage.

3. Move with Empowerment: Whether you redirect your energy through creativity, movement, or self-connection, what matters is that your choices come from a place of love for yourself and your body understanding that you are perfectly normal, these feelings are perfectly natural and the designer of your body understands you more than anyone. Embrace your sexuality and make decisions from a place of empowerment, abundance and self love. Too often we forget who has empowered us in the first place.

   

4. Feed Your Spirit: Use prayer, meditation, or Bible study to ground yourself. When your body talks, invite The Most High into the conversation. Because please know I am always talking to The Most High and I am not afraid to do so. If I am made the sexual being that I am, not only am I going to talk to mentors, therapists, love and life coaches but I am also going to talk directly to the source and designer of this beautiful body and all that comes with it. There’s so much shame and condemnation around sex and sexuality that many women will actually find it freeing to not only talk to someone like me, a professional woman of faith, about things like this but also to The Most High as well.

5. Set Clear Boundaries: If you are dating, establish what you will and won’t do early on and make sure it’s from a place of empowerment not fear, guilt or condemnation. Honor your faith without beating yourself up for being human. Make these boundaries known when you notice the way things are moving and stand on them. One thing I know, sleeping at night in peace is always better than sleeping at night in regret. Remember as I say, rules are what others set for you and we not doing that one. But boundaries are what you set for yourself…and that’s the one right there.

Remember, acknowledging your sexual energy isn’t a sin; it’s a celebration of how beautifully you were designed. What you do with that energy is between you and The Most High. As a woman of faith, you are called to live responsibly, but that doesn’t mean denying yourself the pleasure and connection you were created to experience.

Now if you are looking to explore sensual self-care, I’ve curated tools in my Amazon store to help you connect with your body in an empowering way. You can also book a private one-on-one session with me to dive deeper into this topic, answer your questions personally, and receive personalized guidance tailored to your journey of desire while single, separated or divorced. And for my Cyber week special, you can get $100 off your session now.

So are you finally ready to embrace love, leisure, and pleasure unapologetically? Then head to my Amazon store to pick up sensual self-care tools or book a private session with me to discuss how to navigate your sexual energy with grace and empowerment. Remember, you get $100 off your session for cyber week only.

No matter where you are on this journey, you’re never alone. Thank you for allowing me to share this space with you. As you reflect on things I’ve share with you today, know that embracing your sensuality and honoring your needs is an act of love for yourself and for the divine way you were designed. You are worthy of love, leisure and pleasure along with joy, connection, and fulfillment, and I’m here to navigate and ride with you every step of the way.

You deserve to honor every part of yourself; your mind, your spirit and yes, your body too but with grace, confidence, and unapologetic love. Thank you for trusting me to be a part of your growth. I can’t wait to see you continue to blossom into the bold, radiant woman you’re becoming.

Always Much Love,

~ Octavia E Vance (OEV) 💋 

PS And also, if this writing has blessed you, you can always respond and let me know or bless me financially right here. Don’t forget, Wednesdays Q&A with OEV officially starts this Wednesday. Be on the look out for getting your questions answered every week.