Why "Couple Goals" Is a Trap: The Danger of Putting Relationships on Pedestals.

Hey Love!!!

I was watching an interview recently with Grant Hill and his wife Tamia, and while I’ve always been a huge fan of Grant (Lord that man, that man…childhood crush level, okay?!), I noticed something that made me pause. More and more people are starting to call them "couple goals."

Now, don’t get me wrong. They look amazing, they’ve been together over 20 years, and they’ve weathered a lot…Tamia’s health battles, Grant’s near-death experience, building a family and life together and they made it look good. And did I tell you that man is fine? Ok but anyway…hearing them labeled as "couple goals" reminded me of a pattern that never ends well for the people doing the idolizing.

We Keep Doing This to Ourselves

We’ve been here before. Over and over again.

We did it with Steph and Ayesha Curry, praising their seemingly perfect marriage… until Ayesha dared to admit that she, too, wanted to feel desired by men like her husband is desired by women. The internet tore her apart, and suddenly, they were no longer "couple goals."

We did it with Remy Ma and Papoose, celebrating how he held her down while she was in prison. But then… rumors of infidelity, and now what? LeBron and Savannah who I love. Soon as people started checking for her, because many were not before, and calling them couples goals, what happened next? Rumors, rumors and rumors but with receipts.

We’ve done it in the church too, idolizing relationships that, let’s be real, were never as perfect as they seemed. Remember the Juanita Bynum and Bishop Weeks era? What about T.D. Jakes and his wife? Now there’s allegations about him every other week. And let’s not forget one of my estranged husband’s favorite…Zack and Riva Tims.

One thing I can say about that man is he’s never been one to idolize couples like that but when it came to these two, he was hooked. He stayed watching their programs as newlyweds and I’ll never forget him saying, “Man, I hope he not like all the others“. I never responded as no matter how saved he was, the first thing I saw was, looks, popularity and possibilities of letting people down. What’s it called? Being human. Because he was involved with a hooker he paid for and had been in a relationship with for an entire year before something took him out of this world a while ago. Leaving her a widow with 4 children.

And then, there’s Hollywood. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were the perfect golden couple… until he left her for who was considered the hot n spicy Angelina Jolie. People villainized Angelina at first, but soon enough, Brad and Angelina became the new couple goals. Same with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. Then it was Ben and J.Lo. The cycle never ends.

We pick these couples, make them relationship idols, obsess over them, and then when their humanity shows…when they make mistakes, when they separate, when the fantasy cracks or the marriage ends…we feel betrayed. But why?

Who told us they were perfect to begin with?

The Problem With Making People Your Relationship Blueprint

The issue isn’t admiring a couple’s love, commitment, or how they navigate life together. The issue is making them the standard instead of looking within and designing the relationship YOU want.

Ask yourself:

• Are you truly defining love and partnership on your terms, or are you borrowing someone else’s version of it?

• Are you looking at these couples and thinking, "I need my relationship to look like that," instead of figuring out what actually works for you and your partner?

• Are you disappointed or disillusioned when they break up? Why? Because it makes you feel like love isn't real?

I get it. I truly do.

Because this happened to me and my marriage.

For years, people called my estranged husband and me "couple goals." They saw our love, our family, our bond…and they romanticized it. For them it was like they they had something/someone to look up to, that inspired them for their own marriage or marriage to be…

Until we separated.

Suddenly, the same people who had looked up to us as their relationship ideal were heartbroken, confused, even angry. Most blamed me. Some begged me to go back and "fix it." Others just couldn’t handle the truth.

Because in their minds, we had represented something bigger than us.

But the thing is…these couples themselves aren’t really saying they’re couple goals. We wasn’t saying it either. Why? Because we weren’t "couple goals." We were just two people who was sharing a life together, with ups and downs, just like anyone else. You never got to see anymore than was shared, same as with everyone else. So was that your couple goals? Basing your relationship goals off of highlights of our lives, marriages, family lives and relationships?

I had said several times over the last 13 years when women would gloat about how amazing my estranged husband was that none of you had to live with him. No one was there when I was calling mentors on the phone talking about his ass and all the things I finally shared when I started my LOEV Letter to you. It was not goals living parts of my life with him in the way I did.

I remember when Diddy and Kim Porter were couple goals too. And KeKe Palmer and Leodis’ Daddy, John Gray and his wife. 😆 Hey…this gotta stop ni.

Design Your Own Relationship, Not Someone Else’s

If you take anything from this, let it be this: Stop putting couples on pedestals. Stop borrowing someone else’s relationship blueprint.

Instead, ask yourself:
✔️ What do I truly desire in a relationship?
✔️ What does love look like for me…not what I’ve been told it should look like?
✔️ How do I create a relationship that works for my unique needs, desires, and values?

It’s fine to admire couples. It’s fine to be inspired by their love.

But don’t idolize them and put them on pedestals because one thing humans will do is let you down…royally might I add. But honestly…that’s on you/us for putting humans up in an atmosphere they never belonged.

Because at the end of the day, baby we are HUMAN…just like you. And everyone ain’t built the same. What I tolerated in my marriage, there are women that would have been gone on day 1. What I had in my marriage, there are women still wishing and praying they have. My point? We are all different, yet human and preference is a thing. And the biggest thing? Real Relationship goals are the ones YOU define for yourself. 😉 

Want Help Defining Your Own Relationship Goals?

If you’ve ever found yourself confused about what you actually want in love and relationships…because society, the church, or even your past experiences have shaped your expectations…I’ve got you.

💡 Book a 1:1 "Define Your Own Love" session with me, where we:
✔️ Unpack what YOU actually want in love and intimacy…not what you've been told you should want
✔️ Identify any old programming that’s keeping you stuck in unrealistic ideals or toxic cycles
✔️ Create a clear vision for the relationship that fits YOU and your core values

🔗 Click here to book your 1:1 session now; because your love life should be designed by you, for you.

Go Even Deeper Inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered

Want to go beyond the surface and dive into the real conversations on relationships, sexuality, and love, without the filters?

Inside She’s AWOL: Unfiltered, I share:
💌 Behind-the-scenes personal stories I don’t share anywhere else
🔥 Unfiltered takes on relationships, marriage, sex, and self-worth
📹 Exclusive video content, including my recent reflections on buying my home

Right now, you can join for only $9.99/mo!

🔗 Subscribe here and step into the unfiltered conversations you’ve been craving.

Let’s talk about this. Have you ever put a couple on a pedestal, only to feel let down when they split or hit a rough patch? How do you define relationship goals for yourself?

Hit reply and let me know. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Always Much Love,

Octavia E. Vance (OEV) 💋
Your Favorite Sexologist and Navigator of Love, Leisure & Pleasure